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Starbucks Reserve Roastery & Tasting Room … wait … what?

Starbucks Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room

It’s been said, often by me personally, that the TV show “Friends” killed the American city.

Decades of white flight left inner-urban areas relatively diverse and downright affordable.  Then, ‘Friends’ gained an audience, and before you knew it, there was a coffee shop on every street corner, and every other rental ad touted its proximity to nearby coffee shops, if it didn’t simply mention the TV show by name. I actually saw scores of ads that looked something like this:

“3br, 2ba, close to nightlife & coffee shops.  Great for roommates. It’s just like Friends!”

For the urban working-class,

Continue reading Starbucks Reserve Roastery & Tasting Room … wait … what?

Pussy Destroyer?

Pussy Destroyer

Oh no, my friends.

No, no.

What you are looking at is not a Pussy Destroyer.

What you currently have fixated within your gaze …

Is a Pussy Obliterator.

Once those fine-ass threads hit the floor, it’s all over.

Boom, bap, poof, it’s gone.

“Where’d my baby-maker go?”, you’ll wonder, but it will be too late. All that will be left for you to do, is pick up the phone, call your mother, and say “Sorry, Mom, but you’ll never be a grandmother like I promised … I’ve been the victim of the Pussy Obliterator”.

You have been warned.

Continue reading Pussy Destroyer?

Little-Known Music Fact

Robert Plant

When Robert Plant wrote the song “Whole Lotta Love” in 1969, where he sang:

“I’m gonna give you every inch of my love”

What people didn’t realize then, but what musical historians have since uncovered through numerous interviews, as well as linguistic research, is that what Robert was referring to was, in fact, his penis.

Coming up: Seattle Rex takes you back to 1977 and the Kiss classic “Love Gun”, where he reveals the surprising details behind its true meaning.

Continue reading Little-Known Music Fact

Hotel Max

Hotel Max

Power From the People

Electricity Thief on 7th Avenue

How small must his heart be to steal power from Christmas lights?

That’s right, homelice here was out of power for his phone/mp3 player, so he stopped to charge it from an outlet on the Christmas lights.

Is nothing sacred?

Does the spirit of Christmas mean nothing any more?

We’re supposed to be giving this time of year, not taking, yet here this guy is, taking power away from the people.  That money could be used to buy enemas for baby kittens or some shit, but does he care?

Not at all.

Fine, we’re talking pennies in power here,

Continue reading Power From the People

Gone But Not Forgotten

Layne Staley and Mike Starr Sign at 8th & Olive - Howell

Still loved after all these years, eh fellas?

This sign has been taped to a pole in the 8th & Olive/Howell triangle for about 2 weeks now.

 

Know What Else Is Expensive?

spd_says_protests_are_expensive

Oh Noes!!!!

$462, 000??????

$150,000?????

$100,000?????

Good grief, that’s expensive!  How much are we paying these cops anyway???!!!!!  Has anyone looked into the payroll over at SPD Headquarters???

Until they do, I wish you assholes would stop protesting because this shit is getting way to expen ….

shit

 

Face it, Seattle.  Protests or no protests, we’re getting fleeced by the SPD, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.

It begs the question …

What’s more expensive?

Occupied police officers, or idle police officers?

As much as I’ve been critical of the Ferguson

Continue reading Know What Else Is Expensive?

Give Til it Hurts Everyone

give.org

Last year, a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She is a single mother who is now in medical debt up to her eyeballs.

How could this happen, though?  How could a young woman with breast cancer be so in debt?  I mean, with so many people across this country walking, running, shitting in a bucket, and buying pink ribbons for breast cancer … how on earth could she be buried this deeply in medical bills?

As it turns out, this happens because breast cancer charities don’t really help anyone.  Instead, the “charities” are marketing and advertising firms

Continue reading Give Til it Hurts Everyone

Whitefest 2014

Figgy Pudding 2014

Alas, the annual Figgy Pudding Festival, highest holy day on the White Bourgeoisie calendar, went off on Friday without a hitch. Cops were everywhere, and there was not a single, solitary mohawk in sight. Woo-Hoo!

Why is Figgy Pudding so special to upper-middle-class whites and the upper-middle-class whites at heart (Asian girls I’m looking at you)?

Are you kidding?

Singing Christmas carols, on the downtown streets of a major city, to benefit the homeless, while the homeless are kept far, far away?

We’re talking urban adventure without the risk, an audience of thousands watching you sing like Whitney, and

Continue reading Whitefest 2014

Was it Something I Said?

Figgy Protest Cancelled

Word on the street has it that, once it was pointed out to him that homeless and elderly people were slightly stronger, and thus slightly better able to defend themselves, than a children’s choir … Mo Better Blues Hawk wanted nothing to do with tonight’s event.

I’d say it was a solid decision.

Well done, toddlers.

For once.

Seattle Protestors Finally Confess: We Don’t Care About Anyone But Ourselves

Figgy Pudding in Westlake Center

Figgy Pudding in Westlake Center

It could not have possibly been more clear.

Lest anyone have a shred of doubt about the sincerity of Seattle’s Ferguson Protestors, that doubt no longer exists.  The “leader” of the group has finally admitted what the rest of us knew all along.

“We don’t care.”

Tonight, the annual Figgy Pudding fundraiser will take place in and around Westlake Center, and true to self-centered, “screw the poor, it’s all about me and my affluent friends” form, Fauxhawk and his band of Merry Suburbanites are having another playdate.

http://www.king5.com/story/news/local/seattle/2014/12/05/protests-to-coincide-with-figgy-pudding-at-westlake-center/19936319/

Organizers of a longtime holiday tradition in downtown

Continue reading Seattle Protestors Finally Confess: We Don’t Care About Anyone But Ourselves

Fixed it For You!

Phony Revolutionaries

You know, people say I’m not helpful, but I just don’t see it.

I spotted this message on Pike Street the other day, and not only did I give it a wider-audience,  I also made it factually-accurate.

Does that sound unhelpful to you?

They Ain’t Heavy … It’s My Nutsack

Mohawk Map

 

 

Well look who’s waking up  …

I’m like Beetlejuice.  People are scared to say my name, lest their advertisers shit themselves, but they love me nonetheless.  When the local mainstream is afraid to say something, they wait for me to say it, and then they say it in a more sanitized way.

Everything is relative, and they look downright bland by comparison, and that’s more or less what they’re going for.

Fortunately, my nutsack is large enough to carry them all.  I’ve had decades to build strong nutsuck muscles, and carrying peecee white people on it has become

Continue reading They Ain’t Heavy … It’s My Nutsack

The 2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree

2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree

 

Westlake Center is to Seattle what Rockefeller Center is to New York City, and as you might imagine, the Westlake Tree is our version of the Rock Center Tree.

Of course, ours is far nicer, given that it’s located in Seattle. Say what you will, but I can’t imagine a few extra feet of tree compensating for the fact that you’re not in the nation’s greatest city. In fact, the only thing I would say that NYC has over Seattle, is that it has fewer New Yorkers. Ever since Hipster Number One discovered Brooklyn, natives have been leaving

Continue reading The 2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree

A Cowardly Christmas Spawns a Wake-up Call

Child Bullying Cowards

Child Bullying, minority displacing, priapism curing, emotionally-stunted, psychopathic, pathetic cowards on the lookout for grown-ups or anyone who might be able to fight back.

You know, I’ve taken on the local protest groups quite a bit in the pages of my blog, but I’ve always done so as a protestor myself, and there’s always been at least some element of tongue-in-cheek expression in my opposition. Despite my criticism of their sincerity, I’ve always maintained some level of hope that I was wrong about them, and I’ve always felt a tiny bit of, even if it is not always palpable,

Continue reading A Cowardly Christmas Spawns a Wake-up Call

Sound Community Bank Helps You Kick the Shit Out of Geese

Simply Seattle Poster

Oh, and they also simplify business banking.

I ran across this poster on 5th Avenue last week, and it really piqued my curiosity.

See, I don’t know why one would want to run through Gas Works Park, kicking the shit out of Canadian Geese.

Hold on …

Wait …

Wait a minute …

Wait just a minute …

Yes …

Yes I do …

Yes I do know why one would would want to do such a thing …

Remember this from a couple of years back?

http://www.seattlerex.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/canadians_invade_seattle-seattlerex.mp4

Well, alright.

It’s settled, then.

I’m opening an account at Sound Community

Continue reading Sound Community Bank Helps You Kick the Shit Out of Geese

Happy Thanksgiving!

Turkey Fucker

I thought this video was appropriate for the occasion.

God Bless Us Everyone.

Fuck You Dave

Dave Grohl Hates the Working Class

Hey Dave, thanks a lot.

Thanks for selling tickets to a surprise show at 3pm on a workday.

As a 45 year-old dude with a lot of non-famous friends, one would think you’d be wise to the realities of the post-great-recession American man.  You know, those tragically unhip hate-targets who bust their asses to support families, and probably represent far more of your fanbase than the current crop of staycation Seattleites, doggy daddies, trust funders, and perpetual students.

Despite this, they’re not even worthy of a fair shot at a couple of show tickets?

Really?

Well, alright then. I guess

Continue reading Fuck You Dave

Seattle’s Ferguson Social Parade

Protesting Outside US Courthouse

They’re bored as hell, and they’re not going to take it any more!

Believe it or not, I had to work today.

Yes, yes, I know, I know, working is sooooo proletariat, and therefore so un-nuevo-Seattle, but somebody’s gotta do it.  If the economy collapses, the trust fund checks stop, and then the outraged class will really have something to complain about.

As I made my way back to the office from lunch, I got caught in the trust-fund social event as it made its way from Westlake Park to the U.S. Courthouse.

Folks, do you know what an organized,

Continue reading Seattle’s Ferguson Social Parade

Showtime!

Cops

Affluent suburbanites have had a rough year.  As the Trayvon Martin case becomes smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror, affluent white people have been in a quandary over what to do next.  They need another P.C. diversion to maintain the status quo.

Political Correctness was invented to make affluent whites feel better about themselves for the white flight thing, without having to actually DO anything. It also served to take national attention away from the real primary bigotry in this country, which is classism.

As the gap between rich and poor grows ever wider, the racial bees nest is

Continue reading Showtime!

Everybody Reads Seattle Rex

Masala Grill and Bar - Sign Fixed

Proud to Be an Amarican

Masala Grill and Bar on Pike Street

Meet Pike Street’s newest grill.  And bar.

Masala Grill & Bar will soon open at Pike & 9th, and they promise to offer a cuisine few people have sampled.

I was going to speculate about how their new sign could have been made without anyone … without a single person … catching the obvious misspelling of our country’s name.

For once, however, I have nothing.

 

Same Difference

Dog and Kid in Their Respective Daycares

Doggie Daycare.

Kiddie Daycare.

Same street, same day, one block apart, one blink and you can’t tell which is which.

The fate of kids and canines look remarkably similar these days.  Both species wistfully gaze out of the street-level glass cages in which they are dropped off each morning, eagerly awaiting the return of the human who calls itself “mommy” or “daddy”.

It begs the question … have we begun treating dogs like kids, or kids like dogs?

“What’s the difference?”, most Generation Y’ers would ask, and that’s where scenes like those above start making perfect sense.

When an entire generation equates pet

Continue reading Same Difference

That Quirky Portland

Portland is Now

Portland.   A place so pretentious, that people come to Seattle for authenticity.

Portland used to be cool.  Then, as the wage gap widened over the past decade, the offspring of the wealthy moved in, kicked the cool out, and before you knew it, the town was flooded with vinegar and water.

Now, you can’t walk down a Portland street without being beaten over the head by manufactured quirkiness.

“Look everyone, that guy is riding a unicycle, isn’t he quirky?”

“Look everyone, that girl has a donut-sized ear piercing, isn’t she quirky?”

Call me crazy, but Portland was way more quirky

Continue reading That Quirky Portland

Six People Who Wish They Read Seattle Rex

HOV Violators

So, like, the HOV motorcycle cop is there every morning now, and every morning, he catches a metric assload of HOV violators. He nabbed six at one time this morning (pictured above).

“But how could this be?”, you ask, “You already warned us about this cop.”

Well, Believe it or not, there are a few dozen people in the Seattle area who don’t read Seattle Rex.

And they are paying very dearly for their stupidity.

Unlike you.

If you run across one of these people, feel free to ridicule them. They deserve it.

Continue reading Six People Who Wish They Read Seattle Rex

Monorail Shots

Monorail and Westin Towers

I took a few monorail shots this weekend.  Some of them are on this page.  Some of them aren’t.  Here are the ones that are.

Trains are buses for white people.

Monorails are trains for tourists.

Cutting right through the heart of Belltown and Midtown, as tourist’s trains go, Seattle’s is by far the coolest in the world.

At $2.25 each way, with no round-trip discount, it’s also the most profitable.

 

Continue reading Monorail Shots

Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle

8th and Pine Hilton Lights

Hilton’s latest property has been illuminated on the corner of 8th & Pine.

I don’t want to say that it looks out of place, but, well, judge for yourself.  Keep in mind that this is the bottom few floors of a 500′-ish, 40+ floor tower.

Honestly, it doesn’t look bad … I’ve walked past it the past few evenings, and it’s growing on me. Dare I say, it even looks pretty cool.  Located across the street from the historic Paramount Theater, however, it just looks out of place.

The price of progress I guess.

Continue reading Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle

Scenes From Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night 2014

Rex1410-0693-Halloween_Capitol_Hill_2014--©SeattleRex

I’m happy to report that the First Annual Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night was a rousing success.  It was so successful, in fact, that the organizers have decided to host a Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night each and every year, at the same exact place, 3928 1st Avenue S, Seattle WA 98134.

To those of you arriving by search engine over the next 12 months, let me ask you a question … don’t these pictures look fun?

Of course they look fun!  Fun is what Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night is all about.

If you missed SSHFN this year, you have a good excuse.

Continue reading Scenes From Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night 2014

Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew

Fuck! What The Fuck? What the Bloody Fuck?

What the?

What the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck did I just see?

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck was that supposed to be?

Why?

Why?

Who?

Why?

What the fuck was that?

It was like, a 3-headed gila monster or something.

It was like some three-headed creature from the depths of hell. It had three heads, and they were all weird. Like, bad-acid-at-work weird.  Like getting a random erection while watching Pokemon weird.  Like, stoned and suddenly having to poop, but

Continue reading Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew

Yeah Right

Lesbian Ben Bridge Commercial 2

So, a friend of mine was watching Hulu about an hour ago, when a commercial for Ben Bridge Jeweler came on.

“That’s weird”, she thought,” why is a mother giving jewelry to her adult daughter … no wait, that’s two sisters … no wait … ohhhhhhh … I see … they’re domestic partners … I mean husband and wife … I mean wife and wife … fuck it, they’re muff divers.  At least they’re supposed to be in the commercial.”

Ah yes, let the exploitation of gay marriage commence.

You know, it’s interesting, in 2008, Barack Obama came out opposed to

Continue reading Yeah Right