Yesterday, while hanging out in Lake Union Park, I observed a flotilla heading south toward Downtown Seattle. I watched as the fleet got closer and closer, and just before they made landfall, I was able to identify their origin.
Sure enough, they were Canadian.
Oh no! I knew this day was coming, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I thought we had another 5, maybe 10 years before the Canadians tired of our shitty hipster music and decided to invade, but I guess that last Fleet Foxes CD was the last straw. It was clearly a hostile act only 90 miles from Canadian soil. A preemptive strike was inevitable.
Being the patriotic Seattleite-American that I am, I attempted to head off the advancing forces.
First, I made a peace offering. It was accepted, and I thought the crises was averted. Then, all of a sudden, without warning or provocation, all hell broke loose.
I pulled out a small video camera to capture America’s final moments of sovereignty, and as my final act before succumbing to the aggressors, I uploaded my footage to YouTube to preserve this moment for the historical record.
Download Video: MP4
If you are reading this, please send help. I am currently being held in a Canadian gulag somewhere off the coast of Vancouver Island. In order to extract information, my captors are subjecting me to Justin Bieber’s Greatest Hits 24/7.
Oh, if I could go back home.
I’ll never complain about the Fleet Foxes ever again.
Okay, maybe a little, but I’ll definitely tone it down.