Once upon a time, I had this friend named Andy Steiner. Andy was a nice guy who was known around Las Vegas for driving a purple-colored Jeep that he nicknamed, shit, I don’t remember, but that monstrosity definitely had a name.
Andy was an unusual guy who moved to Las Vegas years ago to capture what he could of the American Dream.
He was also one of the friendliest, most genuine dudes I’ve ever met, and if he had a mean or selfish bone in his body, I sure didn’t see it. That said, as a former cameraman in the adult
Continue reading Goodbye Andy
A generation of people who are too selfish to have children … who are admittedly “too selfish” to acquiesce to a biological norm which has been a primary driver of all animal behavior since the beginning of time … cares very, very, very deeply about the ecological health of the planet that your grandchildren will inherit.
That’s right, victims of a widespread narcissism epidemic, who are completely and utterly self-centered in all ways, make an exception to that self-centeredness when it comes to the water levels of the earth long after they are dead and buried.
They care so much, that
Continue reading Ruh Roh There’s Climate Trouble Brewing
$6.7 million per year.
Six million seven hundred thousand dollars per year, to tell some other guy to run the ball into the end zone from 18 inches away.
And you can’t even do that.
You can’t even fucking do that!
You suck, 12th Man, you suck like a black hole.
See, this is what happens when I try to fucking get into anything. I figured “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”, so I watched the game from beginning to end, and this was the result?
Was the result?
This is what your 12th shit is all
Continue reading The 12th Man Blows It
Said one local seagull as he passed over a Washington State Ferry.
See, this, is a seahawk:
Handsome bird, no doubt, and probably fairly adept at hunting as well.
This, however, is what is ubiquitous in Seattle, outnumbering humans by about 2:1
This, you see, is a “Seagull” or a “Rollin’ 60’s Crip” if you happen to be a pigeon.
What it is not, is a seahawk. I’ve never seen a seahawk within the city limits of Seattle. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one, period. Thus, our local corporate sports team name is a not an entirely
Continue reading I Got Your “Seahawks” Right Here
It’s no great secret that Seattle is a city with a law enforcement problem. I’ve never seen a city whose residents hold such a universally negative opinion of their police force, and I’m including both New York City and Los Angeles in this statement.
I can’t speak to the opinions of citizens in the less-dense areas of Seattle (Crown Hill, Sand Point, etc), but here in the Pike-Pine/Downtown/First Hill/Capitol Hill environs, there is a definite “us versus them” sentiment that seems to be quite pervasive.
While it’s easy to chalk this dichotomy up to some kind of hippie/liberal anti-cop
Continue reading The SPD vs. Seattle
Do you ever wonder why we have holidays celebrating white voilence … Independence Day, Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day … while we only have holidays celebrating black passiveness?
Why is it noble for white people to take up arms against the king, to take up arms against leaders that we don’t like … while black uprisings are supposed to be non-violent?
Why, when you ask every suburban white person, who their hero is, does Martin Luther King come rolling off of their tongue before any other name?
Well, in case you don’t know, you certainly should know. Especially on the
Continue reading The Reason You Celebrate Martin Luther King
Well, it was a hard-fought game, and at times, I didn’t think I was going to pull it off, but guess what?
I totally beat the (fudge) Packers!
Me and the team, we totally kicked ass today, and low-and-behold, we’re going to the Super Bowl! Again!
DAMN I’M GOOD!!!
As I sit here now, people are yelling in the streets below. One man in particularly is repeatedly shouting “D” to the top of his lungs.
Apparently, my defense was spectacular today. It’s a great source of pride for myself and my family.
You know, while all of this
Continue reading I’m Going to the Super Bowl! Again!
I don’t surf the web much anymore. After a promising start, Gen X passed the digital torch to Gen Y, who then proceeded to remove their pants, touch their toes, and walk briskly backward into every corporate dick they could find.
Now, all websites start with the same question in mind: “How can we monetize this?”
In every case, the answer is the same: “Place corporate phallus in anus.”
And so they do.
You can’t make money being sincere or telling the truth. It’s simply not possible. So nobody does. Instead, you have to cater to the deluded mainstream.
Continue reading The World’s Greatest Website
Comet Management: Banned from Their Own Bar
“Oh no!”, I said as I stood across Pike Street from The Comet, “please tell me I don’t see what I think I see. Please tell me they didn’t get one of those cornball ‘we won’t tolerate intolerance’ signs.”
Oh, Comet …. Et tu?
You couldn’t resist?
You had to succumb to hatred and intolerance, simply because it was the path of least resistance?
We live in a time where people are being ostracized, where people are losing their livelihoods, where people are being actively oppressed for expressing sentiment contrary to
Continue reading The Cowardly Comet
When affluent white people feel guilty about something, they lash out at everyone else.
The streets are packed with c02-spewing cars. The airports are packed with travelers, waiting to board fuel-guzzling aircraft. Almost everyone on the Seattle City Council owns a car.
To soothe their collective consciences, affluent white people pass “ecological laws” intended for poor whites and minorities to obey, then they pat themselves on the back, bask in their collective goodness, then go about shitting all over the planet like they’ve been doing for decades.
For instance, I made an impromptu stop at a grocery store last year,
Continue reading White Trash
It’s been said, often by me personally, that the TV show “Friends” killed the American city.
Decades of white flight left inner-urban areas relatively diverse and downright affordable. Then, ‘Friends’ gained an audience, and before you knew it, there was a coffee shop on every street corner, and every other rental ad touted its proximity to nearby coffee shops, if it didn’t simply mention the TV show by name. I actually saw scores of ads that looked something like this:
“3br, 2ba, close to nightlife & coffee shops. Great for roommates. It’s just like Friends!”
For the urban working-class,
Continue reading Starbucks Reserve Roastery & Tasting Room … wait … what?
Last year, a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is a single mother who is now in medical debt up to her eyeballs.
How could this happen, though? How could a young woman with breast cancer be so in debt? I mean, with so many people across this country walking, running, shitting in a bucket, and buying pink ribbons for breast cancer … how on earth could she be buried this deeply in medical bills?
As it turns out, this happens because breast cancer charities don’t really help anyone. Instead, the “charities” are marketing and advertising firms
Continue reading Give Til it Hurts Everyone
Figgy Pudding in Westlake Center
It could not have possibly been more clear.
Lest anyone have a shred of doubt about the sincerity of Seattle’s Ferguson Protestors, that doubt no longer exists. The “leader” of the group has finally admitted what the rest of us knew all along.
“We don’t care.”
Tonight, the annual Figgy Pudding fundraiser will take place in and around Westlake Center, and true to self-centered, “screw the poor, it’s all about me and my affluent friends” form, Fauxhawk and his band of Merry Suburbanites are having another playdate.
Organizers of a longtime holiday tradition in downtown
Continue reading Seattle Protestors Finally Confess: We Don’t Care About Anyone But Ourselves
Well look who’s waking up …
I’m like Beetlejuice. People are scared to say my name, lest their advertisers shit themselves, but they love me nonetheless. When the local mainstream is afraid to say something, they wait for me to say it, and then they say it in a more sanitized way.
Everything is relative, and they look downright bland by comparison, and that’s more or less what they’re going for.
Fortunately, my nutsack is large enough to carry them all. I’ve had decades to build strong nutsuck muscles, and carrying peecee white people on it has become
Continue reading They Ain’t Heavy … It’s My Nutsack
Westlake Center is to Seattle what Rockefeller Center is to New York City, and as you might imagine, the Westlake Tree is our version of the Rock Center Tree.
Of course, ours is far nicer, given that it’s located in Seattle. Say what you will, but I can’t imagine a few extra feet of tree compensating for the fact that you’re not in the nation’s greatest city. In fact, the only thing I would say that NYC has over Seattle, is that it has fewer New Yorkers. Ever since Hipster Number One discovered Brooklyn, natives have been leaving
Continue reading The 2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree
Child Bullying, minority displacing, priapism curing, emotionally-stunted, psychopathic, pathetic cowards on the lookout for grown-ups or anyone who might be able to fight back.
You know, I’ve taken on the local protest groups quite a bit in the pages of my blog, but I’ve always done so as a protestor myself, and there’s always been at least some element of tongue-in-cheek expression in my opposition. Despite my criticism of their sincerity, I’ve always maintained some level of hope that I was wrong about them, and I’ve always felt a tiny bit of, even if it is not always palpable,
Continue reading A Cowardly Christmas Spawns a Wake-up Call
They’re bored as hell, and they’re not going to take it any more!
Believe it or not, I had to work today.
Yes, yes, I know, I know, working is sooooo proletariat, and therefore so un-nuevo-Seattle, but somebody’s gotta do it. If the economy collapses, the trust fund checks stop, and then the outraged class will really have something to complain about.
As I made my way back to the office from lunch, I got caught in the trust-fund social event as it made its way from Westlake Park to the U.S. Courthouse.
Folks, do you know what an organized,
Continue reading Seattle’s Ferguson Social Parade
Affluent suburbanites have had a rough year. As the Trayvon Martin case becomes smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror, affluent white people have been in a quandary over what to do next. They need another P.C. diversion to maintain the status quo.
Political Correctness was invented to make affluent whites feel better about themselves for the white flight thing, without having to actually DO anything. It also served to take national attention away from the real primary bigotry in this country, which is classism.
As the gap between rich and poor grows ever wider, the racial bees nest is
Continue reading Showtime!
Same street, same day, one block apart, one blink and you can’t tell which is which.
The fate of kids and canines look remarkably similar these days. Both species wistfully gaze out of the street-level glass cages in which they are dropped off each morning, eagerly awaiting the return of the human who calls itself “mommy” or “daddy”.
It begs the question … have we begun treating dogs like kids, or kids like dogs?
“What’s the difference?”, most Generation Y’ers would ask, and that’s where scenes like those above start making perfect sense.
When an entire generation equates pet
Continue reading Same Difference
I’m happy to report that the First Annual Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night was a rousing success. It was so successful, in fact, that the organizers have decided to host a Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night each and every year, at the same exact place, 3928 1st Avenue S, Seattle WA 98134.
To those of you arriving by search engine over the next 12 months, let me ask you a question … don’t these pictures look fun?
Of course they look fun! Fun is what Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night is all about.
If you missed SSHFN this year, you have a good excuse.
Continue reading Scenes From Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night 2014
So, a friend of mine was watching Hulu about an hour ago, when a commercial for Ben Bridge Jeweler came on.
“That’s weird”, she thought,” why is a mother giving jewelry to her adult daughter … no wait, that’s two sisters … no wait … ohhhhhhh … I see … they’re domestic partners … I mean husband and wife … I mean wife and wife … fuck it, they’re muff divers. At least they’re supposed to be in the commercial.”
Ah yes, let the exploitation of gay marriage commence.
You know, it’s interesting, in 2008, Barack Obama came out opposed to
Continue reading Yeah Right
Well, you won.
Initiative 594, the one that requires mostly-proletariat gun owners to register with the ruling-class. With overwhelming support coming from our wealthiest, most highly-educated districts, passed in the State of Washington 60% to 40%.
Nearly all rich Washingtonians voted in favor, but why did so many out-of-state multi-millionaires support Washington Bill I-594, though? Didn’t they spend an awful lot of money to influence legislation in a state they don’t even live in? Why would they do such a thing?
Do they really just care that much about the safety of the common man?
The answer, is
Continue reading Washington Initiative 594: A Rare Win for the Wealthy
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Seattle could easily be the richest city in the world. Since everyone more or less agrees that we have the world’s worst drivers, and since they’re not leaving anytime soon, all we’d ever need revenue-wise, is to ticket said shitty drivers.
It would be like printing money.
Let me say that again.
IT WOULD LITERALLY BE LIKE PRINTING MONEY!
Well, somebody in City Hall must have heard me, because for the past week, local law enforcement agencies have been on a mission. Everywhere I look, cops are pulling
Continue reading Shooting Fish in a Barrell
From a musical perspective, I’ve lived through interesting times. Although I was but a child during some of them, I’ve been alive to witness the birth, or early years at the very least, of such diverse genres as heavy metal, progressive rock, funk, glam, disco, punk, hardcore punk, hip-hop, new wave, electronic, house, dubstep, trip-hop, noise/grunge/alternative, and whatever the fuck the last 15 years have given us (shit?).
I’ve witnessed the rise of a few of these genres first-hand, most notably hip-hop, hardcore punk, alt/”grunge”, and a regional music genre known as “Go-Go”. The latter is a genre which
Continue reading Breakin’, Boogaloo Shrimp, White People, and Hip-Hop History at EMP
Kids of all ages stay for free @ 3928 1ST AVENUE S, SEATTLE WA 98134
You know, it can suck being the most popular blogger on the Internet.
Okay, the most popular blogger in Seattle.
Alright, the most popular blogger named Rex in Seattle.
Fine, the most popular blogger named Rex in Seattle who routinely nails your mother doggy-style while drinking the boiled urine of a three-toed sloth.
Even though I’m not Mr. Popularity (probably because I claim to fuck everyone’s mother all the time), millions of people annually still find their way to my website for one reason
Continue reading Super Seattle Halloween Fun Night 2014!!!
I received this comment earlier today:
You may be interested to know that a class-action is being brought against Apple for faulting GPU’s (again) in the 2011 15 & 17 inch models. Just Google it, we’re highly visible.
The URL provided was: http://action.mbp2011.com
Now, I can’t verify that this is indeed a lawsuit in the works. I only see a link to a petition, not a lawsuit. That said, if only because I really hope it’s true, a lawsuit could still be in the beginning stages. Vet this one if you’re interested.
Update: The comment below says it all.
Possible Apple Class-Action Over Dying GPUs
On June 10th, 2013, I posted the following:
Since that time, graffiti has appeared all over Seattle with the following message:
Maybe, but the timing of it all is a little odd. There is an older cat meme with the phrase, but I can’t find another example in search engines using: “can’t have nice things” +graffiti .
Perhaps it’s the same kind of “coincidence” as the tourism bureau’s “Only in Seattle” campaign that was borne after I’d spent a month titling posts with that line, or the local news outrage over the new parking meter failures,
Continue reading You’re Welcome?
Women are to Seattle what cows are to India.
Sound weird? Offensive even?
I know it does. Hear me out, though.
On Thursday night, I ran a quick errand on foot, then walked east on Pike Street. I walked, as I have since childhood, on the right side of the sidewalk.
If you were an urban child from the USA, then this no doubt is what you learned to do as soon as you learned to walk. It’s what my own kids learned as soon as they learned to walk, along with: stand to the right side on escalators,
Continue reading Bitches Be Crazy
I just finished my first 2 week vacation in roughly 10 years, and like pretty much all of my “vacations”, I spent the duration of it in my hometown.
You see, I never really understood the notion of leaving home on one’s time off. It’s almost as if one is escaping where they live, but for my part, I’d never live anywhere I didn’t want to spend my free time. Furthermore, I always thought it was kind of shitty to take one’s disposable income out of town to spend in some other jurisdiction. I mean, why help someone else’s economy
Continue reading How You Gonna Be Mad on Vacation?
I was almost brought to tears of laughter reading this one. Almost.
I present the following article for your reading pleasure, straight from Blabbermouth @ http://www.blabbermouth.net/news/tom-morello-slams-seattle-restaurant-after-being-denied-service/
It seems that Tom Morello, RATM and Audioslave guitarist admired and respected by damn near everyone (including yours truly), dropped by the 5 Point Cafe last Friday night, and encountered our world-renowned Seattle service.
Apparently, he and his friends tried to get a table, and apparently, the bouncer turned them away. The manner in which this all happened is your traditional he-said, she-said, and this being 2014, it all played out on anti-social media.
Continue reading The 5 Point vs. Tom Morello: It’s a Draw