Who looks exactly the way that I look? Me! When I am reading, who’s holding the book? Me! When I want dinner, who always will feed me? Who’s always handy whenever I need me? Firm as a feather in all kinds of weather, Me, me, wonderful me!
-Official song of Seattle Tourists Worldwide
“Seattle Rex exaggerates.”
I know you think it. Frankly, I don’t blame you. I would think the same thing. I have some weird tales to tell at times. I see things that, frankly, are not very believable.
I’m aware that there’s a healthy amount of skepticism and disbelief
Continue reading Another Dispatch from the Streets of MEattle
You know, I have to hand it to Mayor Ed Murray.
I’ve been giving the man hell for the past couple of weeks, but as it turns out, he has way more integrity than I had realized.
Today, Mr. Murray called a press conference to answer his critics, to call off his ill-conceived “Boycott” of Indiana, and what he said surprised even me.
“I was misguided, and I’m sorry”, Murray said, “My heart was in the right place, and I thought I was fighting the good fight, and supporting civil rights. After doing some soul searching over the past
Continue reading Thank You, Ed Murray
That run the asylum …
It’s been a rough decade. A recent study found that, in the last decade, Americans finally lost faith in every, single, solitary institution that they used to hold dear. Supposedly, the CDC and Secret Service were the final holdouts, but even they succumbed to reality over the past year.
Since I was young, I always strived to understand people. Those whom I agreed with, but even moreso, those whom I didn’t agree with. I always sought to understand, and even empathize, with those I was the most disgusted by. Even people who did horrible
Continue reading Understanding the Inmates
Seattle Mayor Ed Murray on Saturday announced his decision to prohibit the use of city funds for travel by all city employees on city business to the State of Indiana after the passage of S.B. 101.
The new law, which was signed by Governor Pence on Thursday, has the potential to legalize discrimination against LGBT people and others based on religious beliefs, a press release from Murray said.
“Seattleites know that discrimination has no place in our City – that’s just equality ‘101’,” said Ed Murray.
More than a dozen states this year are considering measures aimed at preventing
Continue reading I Apologize
Amanda Knox has finally cast off the shackles of her oppressors, and she’s proven to the world that a rich white woman with a highly-paid PR firm behind her, and ties to rich Democratic politicians, can still be treated fairly in our cruel, cruel society.
She suffered for the sins of affluent white girls everywhere, and with a little help from some rich and powerful people, she emerged victorious.
It’s your classic underdog story.
A woman is accused of murder; uses Page 1 from the White Girl Murderer playbook and blames a black guy; is convicted; is un-convicted
Continue reading The Crucifixion and Martyrdom of Amanda Knox
Yesterday, a woman was beaten on Venice Beach as throngs of onlookers sat and watched.
It should. Not long ago, a woman was attacked in Westlake Park in broad daylight, and nobody stepped in to help her there, either.
The two most heavily Democratic jurisdictions in the country, yet not one person lifts a finger to help?
This is what happens when a problem can’t be solved with snarky Internet comments, or barring that, large marches where they outnumber their opponents.
Remember the Slutwalk, where dissenters were “removed” from public streets by march participants?
Hey guys, where
Continue reading Sound Familiar?
When a city has people living on its streets in poverty and squalor, one might surmise that correcting this would be the top priority of that city’s Democratic Party.
One would be right if that city had a Republican mayor, or any non-Democrat mayor for that matter. Using the poor to shame political opponents is the first pillar of the Democratic Party.
When that city is solidly Democratic, however, priorities quickly shift toward making the rich richer, and the poor … absent.
Just try and find a staunchly Democratic jurisdiction in this country that isn’t notorious for cronyism, nepotism, and
Continue reading Seattle Mayor Ed Murray Escalates War on the Poor
As I was walking up Pike Street on Thursday night, something happened so specifically stereotypical, that I thought it had been planned. Seriously, when it happened, I looked around, trying to spot the hidden camera, because it was all just too … convenient.
After walking several blocks, I reached the Starbucks Pretentious Suburbanite Room or Tasting Room or whatever the fuck it’s called. As I stood at the corner of Melrose & Pike, waiting to cross the street, a BMW pulled up, and out popped three precious white women, one from the passenger seat, two from the rear seats.
Continue reading Confessions of a Hate Criminal
Growing up, I was called a “faggot” more times than I can remember. Probably 10,000 times, maybe more. Come to think of it, everyone was called faggot. In fact, I doubt a single day went by when I, my friends, my enemies, and even the boys I didn’t know were called faggots.
I wasn’t gay, though. Oh sure, a little effeminate maybe. In later years, people who knew me when I was a child compared that Haley Joel Osment kid to me. I was a sensitive kid with higher IQ than most of my peers, and it caused me
Continue reading Mayor Ed Murray’s War on Tolerance & Diversity
To all of you who claim to be surprised by the Democrat’s latest wealth transfer bill in Olympia, well, you shouldn’t be. After all, the Democratic Party was the party which fought for slavery in the Civil War. The Democratic Party is the party of the Ku Klux Klan. From 1933 to 1960, the Democratic Party opposed 80% of all Civil Rights Bills. 40% of Democrats opposed the Civil Rights Act (as opposed to 20% of Republicans who opposed).
That the Democratic Party would support a bill allowing wealthy white landowners to seize more of black people’s meager earnings
Continue reading Keeping it Real
We’re a state run by the Democratic Party, and if you ask anyone around here, they’ll tell you …
The other political parties hate poor people and black people and all other minorities except wait, what’s this, payday loans disproportionately affect poor people and black people and other minorities, and our legislature just sold them to big business.
Despite this, we’ll vote for these very same people in the next election cycle.
Because we don’t give a damn about poor people or black people or other minorities. Seriously. We could not care less. We just want to feel
Continue reading I See Your Twuuuu Colors, Shining Through
I’ve been critical of the media in the past.
I’ve accused them of keeping the populace scared for ratings.
And to continue their master’s mental enslavement of the masses.
Not this time, though.
This time, the media was spot on.
See, they told you the drones were coming.
They told you that the drones were coming for you.
They told you to fear the drones, and to fear them with every fiber of your being.
And you know what?
They were right.
See, I got mine.
They used to be called “RC helicopters”.
Continue reading Say Hello to My Little Friend
For the majority of human history, businesses have catered to the wants and needs of the customer.
Here in MEattle, we have turned this paradigm on its head. Here, we run businesses for ourselves. We run them for us. We don’t care what you want. At all. We care what we want. And you better fucking tip us or we will snark your ass on Facebook then hang ourselves from a cross on some national morning TV show.
Alas, I’ve all but stopped going to Hot Mamma’s Pizza because every time I do, there’s a line of people waiting
Continue reading MEattle Hospitality
Gentrification Creates Homelessness Graffiti
Here in Seattle, we like to state problems. Repeatedly. In self-righteous, indignant ways.
Solving those problems?
We could not possibly care less about doing so.
Solving problems takes effort, incurs inconvenience, and requires honest self-assessment. Fuhuhuhuhuhuck that. We just want to state them. Repeatedly. In self-righteous, indignant ways.
If a problem can’t be solved with a pissy note left anonymously on somebody’s windshield, we don’t solve it.
I stood in Westlake Park during the $15 minimum wage rally, and I finally got up the stones to ask a nearby group if they didn’t think their
Continue reading No Shit, Sherlock
Once upon a time, I had this friend named Andy Steiner. Andy was a nice guy who was known around Las Vegas for driving a purple-colored Jeep that he nicknamed, shit, I don’t remember, but that monstrosity definitely had a name.
Andy was an unusual guy who moved to Las Vegas years ago to capture what he could of the American Dream.
He was also one of the friendliest, most genuine dudes I’ve ever met, and if he had a mean or selfish bone in his body, I sure didn’t see it. That said, as a former cameraman in the adult
Continue reading Goodbye Andy
A generation of people who are too selfish to have children … who are admittedly “too selfish” to acquiesce to a biological norm which has been a primary driver of all animal behavior since the beginning of time … cares very, very, very deeply about the ecological health of the planet that your grandchildren will inherit.
That’s right, victims of a widespread narcissism epidemic, who are completely and utterly self-centered in all ways, make an exception to that self-centeredness when it comes to the water levels of the earth long after they are dead and buried.
They care so much, that
Continue reading Ruh Roh There’s Climate Trouble Brewing
$6.7 million per year.
Six million seven hundred thousand dollars per year, to tell some other guy to run the ball into the end zone from 18 inches away.
And you can’t even do that.
You can’t even fucking do that!
You suck, 12th Man, you suck like a black hole.
See, this is what happens when I try to fucking get into anything. I figured “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em”, so I watched the game from beginning to end, and this was the result?
Was the result?
This is what your 12th shit is all
Continue reading The 12th Man Blows It
Said one local seagull as he passed over a Washington State Ferry.
See, this, is a seahawk:
Handsome bird, no doubt, and probably fairly adept at hunting as well.
This, however, is what is ubiquitous in Seattle, outnumbering humans by about 2:1
This, you see, is a “Seagull” or a “Rollin’ 60’s Crip” if you happen to be a pigeon.
What it is not, is a seahawk. I’ve never seen a seahawk within the city limits of Seattle. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one, period. Thus, our local corporate sports team name is a not an entirely
Continue reading I Got Your “Seahawks” Right Here
“Look out, suburban white woman coming through, if you get hit it’s your own fault. I’m not going to say it again … white woman right of way people! Stoplights are for negroes and poor white trash!”
It’s no great secret that Seattle is a city with a law enforcement problem. I’ve never seen a city whose residents hold such a universally negative opinion of their police force, and I’m including both New York City and Los Angeles in this statement.
I can’t speak to the opinions of citizens in the less-dense areas of Seattle (Crown Hill, Sand
Continue reading The SPD vs. Seattle
Do you ever wonder why we have holidays celebrating white voilence … Independence Day, Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day … while we only have holidays celebrating black passiveness?
Why is it noble for white people to take up arms against the king, to take up arms against leaders that we don’t like … while black uprisings are supposed to be non-violent?
Why, when you ask every suburban white person, who their hero is, does Martin Luther King come rolling off of their tongue before any other name?
Well, in case you don’t know, you certainly should know. Especially on the
Continue reading The Reason You Celebrate Martin Luther King
Well, it was a hard-fought game, and at times, I didn’t think I was going to pull it off, but guess what?
I totally beat the (fudge) Packers!
Me and the team, we totally kicked ass today, and low-and-behold, we’re going to the Super Bowl! Again!
DAMN I’M GOOD!!!
As I sit here now, people are yelling in the streets below. One man in particularly is repeatedly shouting “D” to the top of his lungs.
Apparently, my defense was spectacular today. It’s a great source of pride for myself and my family.
You know, while all of this
Continue reading I’m Going to the Super Bowl! Again!
I don’t surf the web much anymore. After a promising start, Gen X passed the digital torch to Gen Y, who then proceeded to remove their pants, touch their toes, and walk briskly backward into every corporate dick they could find.
Now, all websites start with the same question in mind: “How can we monetize this?”
In every case, the answer is the same: “Place corporate phallus in anus.”
And so they do.
You can’t make money being sincere or telling the truth. It’s simply not possible. So nobody does. Instead, you have to cater to the deluded mainstream.
Continue reading The World’s Greatest Website
Comet Management: Banned from Their Own Bar
“Oh no!”, I said as I stood across Pike Street from The Comet, “please tell me I don’t see what I think I see. Please tell me they didn’t get one of those cornball ‘we won’t tolerate intolerance’ signs.”
Oh, Comet …. Et tu?
You couldn’t resist?
You had to succumb to hatred and intolerance, simply because it was the path of least resistance?
We live in a time where people are being ostracized, where people are losing their livelihoods, where people are being actively oppressed for expressing sentiment contrary to
Continue reading The Cowardly Comet
When affluent white people feel guilty about something, they lash out at everyone else.
The streets are packed with c02-spewing cars. The airports are packed with travelers, waiting to board fuel-guzzling aircraft. Almost everyone on the Seattle City Council owns a car.
To soothe their collective consciences, affluent white people pass “ecological laws” intended for poor whites and minorities to obey, then they pat themselves on the back, bask in their collective goodness, then go about shitting all over the planet like they’ve been doing for decades.
For instance, I made an impromptu stop at a grocery store last year,
Continue reading White Trash
It’s been said, often by me personally, that the TV show “Friends” killed the American city.
Decades of white flight left inner-urban areas relatively diverse and downright affordable. Then, ‘Friends’ gained an audience, and before you knew it, there was a coffee shop on every street corner, and every other rental ad touted its proximity to nearby coffee shops, if it didn’t simply mention the TV show by name. I actually saw scores of ads that looked something like this:
“3br, 2ba, close to nightlife & coffee shops. Great for roommates. It’s just like Friends!”
For the urban working-class,
Continue reading Starbucks Reserve Roastery & Tasting Room … wait … what?
Last year, a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is a single mother who is now in medical debt up to her eyeballs.
How could this happen, though? How could a young woman with breast cancer be so in debt? I mean, with so many people across this country walking, running, shitting in a bucket, and buying pink ribbons for breast cancer … how on earth could she be buried this deeply in medical bills?
As it turns out, this happens because breast cancer charities don’t really help anyone. Instead, the “charities” are marketing and advertising firms
Continue reading Give Til it Hurts Everyone
Figgy Pudding in Westlake Center
It could not have possibly been more clear.
Lest anyone have a shred of doubt about the sincerity of Seattle’s Ferguson Protestors, that doubt no longer exists. The “leader” of the group has finally admitted what the rest of us knew all along.
“We don’t care.”
Tonight, the annual Figgy Pudding fundraiser will take place in and around Westlake Center, and true to self-centered, “screw the poor, it’s all about me and my affluent friends” form, Fauxhawk and his band of Merry Suburbanites are having another playdate.
Organizers of a longtime holiday tradition in downtown
Continue reading Seattle Protestors Finally Confess: We Don’t Care About Anyone But Ourselves
Well look who’s waking up …
I’m like Beetlejuice. People are scared to say my name, lest their advertisers shit themselves, but they love me nonetheless. When the local mainstream is afraid to say something, they wait for me to say it, and then they say it in a more sanitized way.
Everything is relative, and they look downright bland by comparison, and that’s more or less what they’re going for.
Fortunately, my nutsack is large enough to carry them all. I’ve had decades to build strong nutsuck muscles, and carrying peecee white people on it has become
Continue reading They Ain’t Heavy … It’s My Nutsack
Westlake Center is to Seattle what Rockefeller Center is to New York City, and as you might imagine, the Westlake Tree is our version of the Rock Center Tree.
Of course, ours is far nicer, given that it’s located in Seattle. Say what you will, but I can’t imagine a few extra feet of tree compensating for the fact that you’re not in the nation’s greatest city. In fact, the only thing I would say that NYC has over Seattle, is that it has fewer New Yorkers. Ever since Hipster Number One discovered Brooklyn, natives have been leaving
Continue reading The 2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree
Child Bullying, minority displacing, priapism curing, emotionally-stunted, psychopathic, pathetic cowards on the lookout for grown-ups or anyone who might be able to fight back.
You know, I’ve taken on the local protest groups quite a bit in the pages of my blog, but I’ve always done so as a protestor myself, and there’s always been at least some element of tongue-in-cheek expression in my opposition. Despite my criticism of their sincerity, I’ve always maintained some level of hope that I was wrong about them, and I’ve always felt a tiny bit of, even if it is not always palpable,
Continue reading A Cowardly Christmas Spawns a Wake-up Call