Seattle. A city comprised of 600,000 transplanted suburbanites. More passive-aggressive notes per square mile than all other cities in the USA combined.
I encountered the above notes today while walking on the same block. The same block!
It looks like it’s time for another installment of “Seattle Rex’s Suburbanite Education Series”. This one will be brief.
Dear Neighbors from Outer Culdesacia, I have a few tips to make your staycation more enjoyable, not just for yourself, but for everyone.
One note is passive-aggressive. Two notes is obsessive-compulsive. That was a comment, not a tip. Here we
Continue reading You Might Be From The Suburbs …
During my evening commute, while still in the middle of the sound, I felt the captain throw the ferry into reverse thrust. When I looked out of the window to see what was going on, I spotted what looked like a gigantic whale. I gathered my things and headed to the bow of the boat, and when I got there, I noticed that the “whale” was in fact a submarine.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the Puget Sound, and I’ve seen thousands of different vessels on that body of water, but this was a first for
Continue reading What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?
“If you ask me, you look like a couple of them ‘Canadian’ geese.”
I took this photo moments before they got taken in for obstruction.
When I get the standard reply from suburban soccermoms, I just politely concede my children’s disadvantage.
“They don’t have a yard? They share a room? You don’t have a car?”
“You’re right”, I say sheepishly, “You’re right. Next year, we’re going to.”
They don’t understand, they can’t understand, nor do I want them to. Instead, I play up the “poor us” angle. It makes honkies feel better about themselves.
Two generations of white flight has left the vast majority of suburban Americans completely ignorant of urban life. “What if they get mugged?”, is another oft-repeated question, which
Continue reading Summer Break in Seattle
A Female Deer!
Alright, I have no idea if this is a female deer or not.
At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
When I spotted this deer outside my office window today, it’s not like I ran over and inspected its genitalia.
Because that would be, you know, weird and stuff.
So, I didn’t do it.
Fine, it ran away before I got the chance, but when I said I didn’t do it, I wasn’t lying.
I don’t fornicate with animals!
Continue reading Doh!
Happy Rpide Day, eh hosers!
Yeah, right, like someone’s going to plug seventy five cents into a soda machine that has “Mystery” written on all of its buttons in crazy serial killer letters.
I mean, us Seattleites may be naive, but we weren’t born yest …
*sigh* … Alright then, I stand corrected.
I didn’t know whether to jeer or applaud when this woman got nothing out of this machine standing just east of Broadway & John St. Instead, all part of me could think was “Half of the world’s population lives on less than a dollar per day, and this lady just
Continue reading The Mystery Machine
While waiting at the dock this evening, I spotted an unusual bird sitting on a rail. The bird was bobbing its head and flailing about, so I grabbed my camera and zoomed in to see what was happening.
What I saw made my stomach churn.
It was a hideously ugly bird, and it was beating the everloving shit out of some helpless fish. The bird was holding the fish in its beak, and each time the fish flinched, the bird slammed the fish against the rail. In that split second, I named the bird “Ike” and the fish “Tina”.
Continue reading Flying Fishbeater
The three most important aspects of real estate have been completely lost on our avian brethren.
For the past month, each time my boat has docked in Seattle, there has been a calamity at the front of the boat. As it turns out, there is one particular seagull who decided that the best place to build her nest, was on a boat bumper. A boat bumper for the nation’s largest ferry fleet, no less. Clearly, this is a bird with aspirations for the Seattle City Council.
Each time the gigantic boat docks, the seagull flies into a rage, screeching to
Continue reading Location, Location, Location
As a fairly prototypical member of “Generation X”, I have a certain amount of nostalgia for the 90′s.
Humans are interesting creatures in that they tend to romanticize things they survived, even if those things sucked. Witness the numerous groups of war veterans who are stuck in whatever decade in which people were actively trying to kill them, or the high school re-union phenomenon where people actually want to re-meet the self-absorbed assholes they had to share a classroom with 20 years prior.
When we emerge alive and semi-sane from a trying period, we tend to look back on that
Continue reading Reality Check
Man that only took like, 5 years to figure out.
I have a weird periodically-photographic memory for musical things. For instance, I may have heard a song once when I was six years old, then all of a sudden, decades later, I’ll start singing it, yet have no idea what it is or where I’ve heard it. I’ve heard a song on the radio one time, then years later, it will pop into my head, and I’ll sing three complete verses word-for-word while I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing. I don’t even have to like the song
Continue reading Slide Over Ving Rhames
Remember, in order to foster diversity, tolerant people always make exhaustive lists of which groups they will not tolerate.
Have you made your list today?
(Is it me, or does lumping “minors” in with “drug dealers”, “racists”, and “assholes” seem a little weird? I mean, trying to get into a bar under-age is just a rite-of-passage, no? 20 year-olds are that offensive? Seems a little extreme.)
Is this badass?
Is it a hissy-fit?
Is it a “This ain’t the suburbs, welcome to the real world” rite of post-collegiate passage through which all affluent white people must pass?
I submit that it’s all three.
Most urban natives learn around age 9 that anything not fully secured has a pretty good chance of being gone when you get back. Hell, my daughter has had two cellphones stolen in the last 6 months, and has already developed a paranoia that these precious folks three times her age have yet to cultivate.
That said, it’s stuff like this
Continue reading Seattle. We Do Passive-Aggressive Like Nobody’s Business.
On circumcision …
Why is American internet so slow?
According to a recent study by Ookla Speedtest, the U.S. ranks a shocking 31st in the world in terms of average download speeds. The leaders in the world are Hong Kong at 72.49 Mbps and Singapore on 58.84 Mbps. And America? Averaging speeds of 20.77 Mbps, it falls behind countries like Estonia, Hungary, Slovakia, and Uruguay.
Its upload speeds are even worse. Globally, the U.S. ranks 42nd with an average upload speed of 6.31 Mbps, behind Lesotho, Belarus, Slovenia, and other countries you only hear mentioned on Jeopardy.
So how did America fall behind?
Continue reading But, But, Greed Spurs Innovation!
I still remember the first day of my first photojournalist gig. It was almost my last. I showed up with a gigantic flash mounted atop a cheap Pentax K-1000 camera, and once the other photographers began snickering at me, I wanted more than anything to just subtly sneak out, never to show my face or my crappy gear ever again. It was in my top 10 most embarrassing moments. It was then that I realized that photography was not an acceptable hobby for poor white trash. Ditto for journalism of any kind.
As bad as it was, however, this day
Continue reading Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull
Imagine if you were a working class honky, living in a trailer park, working in a garage by day, driving a pickup truck with a “Bush/Cheney” bumper sticker, putting on plays at night.
Think you could put on a play like this without being picketed for being “racist”?
Not a chance, my redneck friend, not a motherfucking chance.
That up there, is chosen-white privilege. You can’t do that shit without a degree from an expensive college, preferably multiple degrees, at least one being Art History so that other white people know that you’ve got money to blow, and gainful
Continue reading It’s Okay, Because They’re Affluent White People
Once, during a basketball game, I got out in front on a fast break, went up for an uncontested dunk, threw it down unnecessarily hard because I wanted to be a gangsta, shattered the backboard, and brought the rim down on the back of my head, requiring many stitches and a monthlong bandage around my cranium.
Once, like a dumbass, I went surfing in a hurricane, got slammed into a rock jetty, and presented to the emergency room with over 100 lacerations.
Once, while trying to make a rush delivery as a bicycle messenger, I blew through a red light
Continue reading Today’s Guilty Pleasure
When the Seattle Public School District is the lone voice of reason.
Dear Seattle Public Schools families:
Seattle Public Schools will not close or dismiss school early because of the Seahawks parade on Wednesday. Parents who wish to take their students out of school can, but per state regulation, it will be treated as an unexcused absence. While we support the team, academics must come first and it’s important not to lose a day in the classroom.
We are proud of our Seattle Seahawks and we know this is a historical event for our community. But we also know that for many of
Continue reading You Know You’re Fucked
*** Posted remotely from my Android ***
Last night, I spotted these wave clouds, a/k/a “Kelvin–Helmholtz Clouds” over the Puget Sound.
The Kelvin–Helmholtz instability (after Lord Kelvin and Hermann von Helmholtz) can occur when there is velocity shear in a single continuous fluid, or where there is a velocity difference across the interface between two fluids. An example is wind blowing over water: The instability manifests in waves on the water surface. More generally, clouds, the ocean, Saturn’s bands, Jupiter’s Red Spot, and the sun’s corona show this instability.
Just another relatively rare thing that happens in the Seattle atmosphere relatively frequently, and another
Continue reading Surf’s Up
Coming home on the ferry this evening, I noticed the scene pictured above, and I was overcome with excitement.
“Seattle School District test scores are up 12%!”, I thought, “Yesssss!”
I realized that I might have been wrong, though. I mean, 12 could stand for anything. Although for the number to be juxtaposed against the Seattle skyline in such a huge way, it was certainly something of awesome importance. After all, I see the skyline every day, and I’ve never seen this giant twelve before.
Ever the hopeful optimist, I thought hard about all the great things the number twelve could
Continue reading Twelve