What is that?
That thing over there …
See it? Do you see it?
Right there, that thing in the water …
It’s a white woman on a surf board striking some strange look-at-me-no-don’t-look-at-me-you-creep-no-really-look-at-me pose …
Wait … is it, could it be … oh my God, it is, I can’t believe my eyes …
It’s a quirky white girl! In Seattle no less! IT’S A QUIRKY WHITE GIRL IN SEATTLE! And I actually have my camera on me! Can you believe my luck?!!
While this may not sound like a big deal, a little perspective in
Continue reading A Rare Quirky White Girl Sighting
On June 10th, 2013, I posted the following:
Since that time, graffiti has appeared all over Seattle with the following message:
Maybe, but the timing of it all is a little odd. There is an older cat meme with the phrase, but I can’t find another example in search engines using: “can’t have nice things” +graffiti .
Perhaps it’s the same kind of “coincidence” as the tourism bureau’s “Only in Seattle” campaign that was borne after I’d spent a month titling posts with that line, or the local news outrage over the new parking meter failures,
Continue reading You’re Welcome?
“You won’t walk right for days. We guarantee it.”
Pictured here is another satisfied customer. If you know what I mean.
Ahhh, young newcomer love. Our vandal here is so new to the city, that he/she has yet to realize that, once she feels inclined to do something else, Laura has no intention of “saying” anything. That’s much too confrontational, not to mention, scary, what with mom back home in Twin Falls and all.
Better learn to take the hint, because a hint is all you’re ever going to get. That’s what happens when you grow up having “playdates”, where every interaction with other people is governed by the watchful eye of a parental unit. When it was time to go, the departure was
Continue reading The Passive-Aggressive Vandal
Alright ya pussies, you got marijuana legalized, but weed is for children. Amateurs. Precious suburban kids who, months prior, were sniffing glue. That’s why it was legalized. The suburban white people of the State of Washington just couldn’t in good conscience keep arresting suburban white kids. If the decision to legalize it was purely ethics-based, they would have legalized all drugs.
Yes, pot is about as white suburban as a drug can be. I know, I know, your favorite studio gangsta talks about smoking indo all the time, and you think it’s badass.
No, no wait … aren’t the G’s
Continue reading Real Niggaz Smoke Crack
Apparently Soundgarden is playing during the NFL’s Xbox Verizon kickoff on September 4th.
I’m not quite sure what this means, but the pigeons seem to like it.
I hope to figure this all out before the appointed date.
This is a fascinating time in American history. We’re actually watching a culture commit suicide before our very eyes.
The hypocritical speech codes which ensure that only corporate-approved speech can be uttered over public airwaves, as the people who claim to support free speech stand around chanting “It’s not the government restricting speech, it’s the corporations!” … oblivious to the realization that they are one and the same, but not really caring because one-sided have already been passed prohibiting said corporations from restricting their free speech. (how’s that for a run-on sentence?)
Case in point, ESPN has suspended its third host
Continue reading Another Dispatch from Western Civilization’s Decline
Seattle. A city comprised of 600,000 transplanted suburbanites. More passive-aggressive notes per square mile than all other cities in the USA combined.
I encountered the above notes today while walking on the same block. The same block!
It looks like it’s time for another installment of “Seattle Rex’s Suburbanite Education Series”. This one will be brief.
Dear Neighbors from Outer Culdesacia, I have a few tips to make your staycation more enjoyable, not just for yourself, but for everyone.
One note is passive-aggressive. Two notes is obsessive-compulsive. That was a comment, not a tip. Here we
Continue reading You Might Be From The Suburbs …
During my evening commute, while still in the middle of the sound, I felt the captain throw the ferry into reverse thrust. When I looked out of the window to see what was going on, I spotted what looked like a gigantic whale. I gathered my things and headed to the bow of the boat, and when I got there, I noticed that the “whale” was in fact a submarine.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the Puget Sound, and I’ve seen thousands of different vessels on that body of water, but this was a first for
Continue reading What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?
“If you ask me, you look like a couple of them ‘Canadian’ geese.”
I took this photo moments before they got taken in for obstruction.
When I get the standard reply from suburban soccermoms, I just politely concede my children’s disadvantage.
“They don’t have a yard? They share a room? You don’t have a car?”
“You’re right”, I say sheepishly, “You’re right. Next year, we’re going to.”
They don’t understand, they can’t understand, nor do I want them to. Instead, I play up the “poor us” angle. It makes honkies feel better about themselves.
Two generations of white flight has left the vast majority of suburban Americans completely ignorant of urban life. “What if they get mugged?”, is another oft-repeated question, which
Continue reading Summer Break in Seattle
A Female Deer!
Alright, I have no idea if this is a female deer or not.
At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
When I spotted this deer outside my office window today, it’s not like I ran over and inspected its genitalia.
Because that would be, you know, weird and stuff.
So, I didn’t do it.
Fine, it ran away before I got the chance, but when I said I didn’t do it, I wasn’t lying.
I don’t fornicate with animals!
Continue reading Doh!
Happy Rpide Day, eh hosers!
Yeah, right, like someone’s going to plug seventy five cents into a soda machine that has “Mystery” written on all of its buttons in crazy serial killer letters.
I mean, us Seattleites may be naive, but we weren’t born yest …
*sigh* … Alright then, I stand corrected.
I didn’t know whether to jeer or applaud when this woman got nothing out of this machine standing just east of Broadway & John St. Instead, all part of me could think was “Half of the world’s population lives on less than a dollar per day, and this lady just
Continue reading The Mystery Machine
While waiting at the dock this evening, I spotted an unusual bird sitting on a rail. The bird was bobbing its head and flailing about, so I grabbed my camera and zoomed in to see what was happening.
What I saw made my stomach churn.
It was a hideously ugly bird, and it was beating the everloving shit out of some helpless fish. The bird was holding the fish in its beak, and each time the fish flinched, the bird slammed the fish against the rail. In that split second, I named the bird “Ike” and the fish “Tina”.
Continue reading Flying Fishbeater
The three most important aspects of real estate have been completely lost on our avian brethren.
For the past month, each time my boat has docked in Seattle, there has been a calamity at the front of the boat. As it turns out, there is one particular seagull who decided that the best place to build her nest, was on a boat bumper. A boat bumper for the nation’s largest ferry fleet, no less. Clearly, this is a bird with aspirations for the Seattle City Council.
Each time the gigantic boat docks, the seagull flies into a rage, screeching to
Continue reading Location, Location, Location
As a fairly prototypical member of “Generation X”, I have a certain amount of nostalgia for the 90’s.
Humans are interesting creatures in that they tend to romanticize things they survived, even if those things sucked. Witness the numerous groups of war veterans who are stuck in whatever decade in which people were actively trying to kill them, or the high school re-union phenomenon where people actually want to re-meet the self-absorbed assholes they had to share a classroom with 20 years prior.
When we emerge alive and semi-sane from a trying period, we tend to look back on that
Continue reading Reality Check
Man that only took like, 5 years to figure out.
I have a weird periodically-photographic memory for musical things. For instance, I may have heard a song once when I was six years old, then all of a sudden, decades later, I’ll start singing it, yet have no idea what it is or where I’ve heard it. I’ve heard a song on the radio one time, then years later, it will pop into my head, and I’ll sing three complete verses word-for-word while I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing. I don’t even have to like the song
Continue reading Slide Over Ving Rhames
Remember, in order to foster diversity, tolerant people always make exhaustive lists of which groups they will not tolerate.
Have you made your list today?
(Is it me, or does lumping “minors” in with “drug dealers”, “racists”, and “assholes” seem a little weird? I mean, trying to get into a bar under-age is just a rite-of-passage, no? 20 year-olds are that offensive? Seems a little extreme.)
Is this badass?
Is it a hissy-fit?
Is it a “This ain’t the suburbs, welcome to the real world” rite of post-collegiate passage through which all affluent white people must pass?
I submit that it’s all three.
Most urban natives learn around age 9 that anything not fully secured has a pretty good chance of being gone when you get back. Hell, my daughter has had two cellphones stolen in the last 6 months, and has already developed a paranoia that these precious folks three times her age have yet to cultivate.
That said, it’s stuff like this
Continue reading Seattle. We Do Passive-Aggressive Like Nobody’s Business.
On circumcision …
Why is American internet so slow?
According to a recent study by Ookla Speedtest, the U.S. ranks a shocking 31st in the world in terms of average download speeds. The leaders in the world are Hong Kong at 72.49 Mbps and Singapore on 58.84 Mbps. And America? Averaging speeds of 20.77 Mbps, it falls behind countries like Estonia, Hungary, Slovakia, and Uruguay.
Its upload speeds are even worse. Globally, the U.S. ranks 42nd with an average upload speed of 6.31 Mbps, behind Lesotho, Belarus, Slovenia, and other countries you only hear mentioned on Jeopardy.
So how did America fall behind?
Continue reading But, But, Greed Spurs Innovation!
I still remember the first day of my first photojournalist gig. It was almost my last. I showed up with a gigantic flash mounted atop a cheap Pentax K-1000 camera, and once the other photographers began snickering at me, I wanted more than anything to just subtly sneak out, never to show my face or my crappy gear ever again. It was in my top 10 most embarrassing moments. It was then that I realized that photography was not an acceptable hobby for poor white trash. Ditto for journalism of any kind.
As bad as it was, however, this day
Continue reading Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull