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Seattle. We Do Passive-Aggressive Like Nobody’s Business.

Thief!

Is this badass?

Is it a hissy-fit?

Is it a “This ain’t the suburbs, welcome to the real world” rite of post-collegiate passage through which all affluent white people must pass?

I submit that it’s all three.

Most urban natives learn around age 9 that anything not fully secured has a pretty good chance of being gone when you get back. Hell, my daughter has had two cellphones stolen in the last 6 months, and has already developed a paranoia that these precious folks three times her age have yet to cultivate.

That said, it’s stuff like this

Continue reading Seattle. We Do Passive-Aggressive Like Nobody’s Business.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You … The Internet

Wiki Circumcision

On circumcision …

But, But, Greed Spurs Innovation!

Why is American internet so slow?

According to a recent study by Ookla Speedtest, the U.S. ranks a shocking 31st in the world in terms of average download speeds. The leaders in the world are Hong Kong at 72.49 Mbps and Singapore on 58.84 Mbps. And America? Averaging speeds of 20.77 Mbps, it falls behind countries like Estonia, Hungary, Slovakia, and Uruguay.

Its upload speeds are even worse. Globally, the U.S. ranks 42nd with an average upload speed of 6.31 Mbps, behind Lesotho, Belarus, Slovenia, and other countries you only hear mentioned on Jeopardy.

So how did America fall behind?

Continue reading But, But, Greed Spurs Innovation!

Am Too a Computer Technician!

No Linux Here Either

Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull

Seagull Over Elliot Bay

I still remember the first day of my first photojournalist gig.  It was almost my last.  I showed up with a gigantic flash mounted atop a cheap Pentax K-1000 camera, and once the other photographers began snickering at me, I wanted more than anything to just subtly sneak out, never to show my face or my crappy gear ever again.  It was in my top 10 most embarrassing moments.  It was then that I realized that photography was not an acceptable hobby for poor white trash.  Ditto for journalism of any kind.

As bad as it was, however, this day

Continue reading Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull

It’s Okay, Because They’re Affluent White People

Blackface on Pike Street

Imagine if you were a working class honky, living in a trailer park, working in a garage by day, driving a pickup truck with a “Bush/Cheney” bumper sticker, putting on plays at night.

Think you could put on a play like this without being picketed for being “racist”?

Not a chance, my redneck friend, not a motherfucking chance.

That up there, is chosen-white privilege.  You can’t do that shit without a degree from an expensive college, preferably multiple degrees, at least one being Art History so that other white people know that you’ve got money to blow, and gainful

Continue reading It’s Okay, Because They’re Affluent White People

Today’s Guilty Pleasure

Once, during a basketball game, I got out in front on a fast break, went up for an uncontested dunk, threw it down unnecessarily hard because I wanted to be a gangsta, shattered the backboard, and brought the rim down on the back of my head, requiring many stitches and a monthlong bandage around my cranium.

Once, like a dumbass, I went surfing in a hurricane, got slammed into a rock jetty, and presented to the emergency room with over 100 lacerations.

Once, while trying to make a rush delivery as a bicycle messenger, I blew through a red light

Continue reading Today’s Guilty Pleasure

You Know You’re Fucked

When the Seattle Public School District is the lone voice of reason.

Dear Seattle Public Schools families:

Seattle Public Schools will not close or dismiss school early because of the Seahawks parade on Wednesday. Parents who wish to take their students out of school can, but per state regulation, it will be treated as an unexcused absence. While we support the team, academics must come first and it’s important not to lose a day in the classroom.

We are proud of our Seattle Seahawks and we know this is a historical event for our community. But we also know that for many of

Continue reading You Know You’re Fucked

Priorities

Ferry Sign Supporting Seahawks

I’ll Take 200,000 Of These

Sticker on Fire Hydrant

 

*** Posted remotely from my Android ***

Surf’s Up

Wave Clouds Over the Puget Sound

Last night, I spotted these wave clouds, a/k/a “Kelvin–Helmholtz Clouds” over the Puget Sound.

Per Wikipedia:

The Kelvin–Helmholtz instability (after Lord Kelvin and Hermann von Helmholtz) can occur when there is velocity shear in a single continuous fluid, or where there is a velocity difference across the interface between two fluids. An example is wind blowing over water: The instability manifests in waves on the water surface. More generally, clouds, the ocean, Saturn’s bands, Jupiter’s Red Spot, and the sun’s corona show this instability.

Just another relatively rare thing that happens in the Seattle atmosphere relatively frequently, and another

Continue reading Surf’s Up

Twelve

12th Man Seattle Skyline

Coming home on the ferry this evening, I noticed the scene pictured above, and I was overcome with excitement.

“Seattle School District test scores are up 12%!”, I thought, “Yesssss!”

I realized that I might have been wrong, though. I mean, 12 could stand for anything. Although for the number to be juxtaposed against the Seattle skyline in such a huge way, it was certainly something of awesome importance.  After all, I see the skyline every day, and I’ve never seen this giant twelve before.

Ever the hopeful optimist, I thought hard about all the great things the number twelve could

Continue reading Twelve

American Supremacy

110 Inch TV

This morning, South Korea unveiled its newest creation … the world’s largest consumer television.

While lamenting the fact that the USA no longer makes anything of consequence, I was quickly corrected when I ran across the following homegrown creation:

Yes, my friends, that is touted to be the world’s largest ass, and it’s a product of the good ole’ US of A.  Perhaps the only thing we’ve made in the last decade, but at least it’s the biggest.

Take that, Korea!

Continue reading American Supremacy

A Very Special Holiday Message

Pike & Boren Dog Attack “Thank You” Poster

I would like to take this time, Christmas Eve 2013, to remind each and every one of you that, although it certainly seems that they are … not everyone is an asshole.

At least not all of the time.

Merry Christmas.

Bald Cannibals

Bald Eagle

On the boat to work this morning, I spotted what looked like two birds playing.

When I walked to the railing and looked more intently, I realized that they were not playing at all. Instead, a bald eagle was chasing a pigeon, and the pigeon was doing everything it could to avoid being caught, including pulling off some pretty badass acrobatics.

I watched for about 45 seconds as the pigeon evaded its captor, and then a strange thing happened: A second bald eagle swooped in out of nowhere, and assisted the first eagle in the hunt. The two eagles,

Continue reading Bald Cannibals

Random Thought: Holiday Edition

A Wreath

Hey everyone, guess what this is?  

 

 

Continue reading Random Thought: Holiday Edition

Happy Thanksgiving from Seattle

Smashed Minivan Window on Pike Street

Maybe next year you should go to Portland, though.

 

Either that or leave the Accura SUV thing back at home.

 

I feel conflicted when I see scenes like this, and for whatever reason, I’m starting to see it more often.

When I see these things, part of me feels bad for the owner … but I’m not going to lie … another part of me feels like smashing the other windows out.

Several motorcyclists have been killed in the past couple of months, and in the past three days alone, I’ve personally witnessed several near-misses

Continue reading Happy Thanksgiving from Seattle

Seattle Rex On Religion and Personal Hygiene

Motherfucking Lamb

Penn Jillette once said that agnostics are simply atheists who are cowards, and before I witnessed him getting teabagged by Donald Trump on “The Apprentice”, I actually respected Penn Jillette’s opinion.

Atheist simply means without theism, which is the belief in one God as the creator and ruler of the universe.

An agnostic is a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena.

Using the dictionary definitions of the word, Agnosticism is probably closer to my opinions, although, strictly speaking, they are kind of

Continue reading Seattle Rex On Religion and Personal Hygiene

Heh

Input Method

*** Posted remotely from my Android ***

This will have to do for a wireless post while waiting for a light.

Father of the Year

Game Screen Shot 1

Last month, my daughter mentioned that her computer was having trouble playing some newer 3D game titles.

“See, this is why all the cool Seattle parents are having dogs …”, I said to my wife, “… but still, I’d rather buy my kids new stuff than follow them around, putting their shit in a sandwich bag.”

The next day, I surfed over to Newegg and plunked down a few hundred bucks for a new graphics card.

See, my daughter may get pregnant at 15; might go on the pole to support a black tar habit; might become some bulldyke’s old

Continue reading Father of the Year

Graffiti of the USA

New York City Graffiti

New York City

Los Angeles

Chicago

Washington DC

Las Vegas

Philadelphia

Boston

Seattle

*sigh*

Continue reading Graffiti of the USA

As Opposed To …

urban_city_coffee

 

Rural City Coffee?

Urban Country Coffee?

Alas, I think this place is closed now.  Out of curiousity, I checked out their website, and it’s still around, although it seems they are now located in that bastion of urban city-ness known as Lynnwood.

 

I don’t really blame them.  I can’t imagine that business was viable on Mercer for the past couple of years, what with the construction and all.

Still … Lynnwood?

Continue reading As Opposed To …

Why I Hate The Internet

Wrong Marley

 

 

Ladies and Gentleman,

 

 

I give you …

 

 

Bob Marley …

 

What Would Christopher Cross Think?

Sailboats on Lake Union

Sailboats on Lake Union – August 20, 2013 7:50pm

About operating a wind-powered vessel on a body of water?

Were he to write a song about it, I wonder what might it go like?

I envision something like this:

Straight outta Texas, crazy muthafucka named Chris Cross; Fuckin’ divas like Mariah and Diana Ross; Bust a nut while a bitch is givin’ deep throat; Then I head to Lake Union in my sailboat.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it would go.

Continue reading What Would Christopher Cross Think?

Luck

Rhino

Suppose a Seattle billionaire builds a room on his lavish Magnolia estate, and in that room, on one of the walls, is a panel.

On that panel, is 1000 buttons.

Now, let’s say the billionaire is an overall good guy, but does have a very slight dark side.

You see, he wants to help people, while forcing those same people to, in some small way, take a risk in exchange for his help.

Once each year, he holds a lottery where he draws the name of one Seattleite out of a hat, completely at random.

The “winner” of the lottery

Continue reading Luck

Only in Seattle

Goat in Van Outside Neumos

So I’m standing outside Neumos last night, waiting for the Melvins to arrive, sticking a slice of Big Mario’s pizza into my face hole, when a van pulls up in front of me.

It’s a white van, fairly non-descript, and I pay it no attention.  That is, until, a passenger in the back of the van presses its nose against the window.

“What a homely girl”, I think to myself.

Still, I am a Seattle male, and I knew what my civic duty was, so I promptly formed a “V” with my two front fingers, and stuck my tongue between

Continue reading Only in Seattle

Coming Clean

Seattle Rex, in his younger days.

Seattle Rex, in his younger days.

Alright, it’s time to come clean. You see, I haven’t been completely honest.

While I have been categorically stating that catcalling women is not a major problem on the streets of Seattle, and while I’ve been denying my own sexism, I have not been completely forthcoming. The fact of the matter is that I too, am an offender.

That’s right, dear readers, as painful as it is for me to admit … yours truly has, at least on one occasion, victimized the fairer sex.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, what a

Continue reading Coming Clean

Almost Heaven

Almost Heaven

Have you ever been riding along in a car, having a conversation with someone, when out of nowhere … your ears pop?

Suddenly, you can hear. You can hear in ways you’ve never heard before. You can hear leaves rustling and birds chirping. You can hear a fly in the back seat, smacking its head against the rear window, desperately trying to get out. You can hear your friend’s voice, and you can hear it in a detail that, until now, did not exist.

It’s as if, out of nowhere, some unseen entity peered through the clouds, saw your

Continue reading Almost Heaven

Oh, Won’t You Take a Ride on My Nutsack?

Fuck The NBA

Sometime in early 2012, Seattle Rex searches for “fuck nba seattle” so that he may link to the surely-existent article.

No such article exists.

No such sentiment exists.

February 2012: Seattle Rex says “Fuck the NBA”. January 2013: Seattle Rex says “Fuck the NBA”. April 2013: Seattle Rex says “Fuck the NBA and Fuck David Stern”. May 2013: The Stranger says “The NBA Can Go Fuck Itself!”, makes a logo, and sells merch. May 2013: Some guy paints “Fuck The NBA” on the side of a Capitol Hill Garage. May 2013: Google says, “Seattle Rex is a biter.”

Continue reading Oh, Won’t You Take a Ride on My Nutsack?

What Kind of Stupid Title is “Bankers”?

bankers

Goddamn weirdos.

Nobody wants to see a show called “Bankers”.