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Finally, A Presidential Candidate I Can Get Behind!

Syd Buttocks 4 President

Nouns, Motherfucker! We Got Nouns! And Prepositions Too, Biyiyatch!

School to Prison Graffiti

Upper-Middle-Class Caucasians love their slogans.  Boy oh boy do they love their slogans.  Especially ones written on walls in random places.

Much like pissy notes on car windshields, a phenomenon as inextricably linked with Seattle as winter rain, scrawled slogans don’t require the person throwing the hissy fit to be physically present.  While directing their anger toward another person or group, it allows him/her to remain anonymous, thus completely avoiding any repercussions for their display of anger.

Good God, could any one thing be more perfect for Seattle?

Probably not.

And so, it comes as little surprise that our

Continue reading Nouns, Motherfucker! We Got Nouns! And Prepositions Too, Biyiyatch!

A Tale of Two Titties

Boobs

So, after being cockblocked a couple of months ago by some asshole with an iPhone, I was going through some photos today when what did I see but a Lightroom thumbnail of the forbidden melons front and center.

“Well what do you know, I got the picture after all!”, I exclaimed while running a victory lap through Seattle, across the 520 Bridge, down through Olympia, around the Olympic Peninsula, then back again.

What can I tell you, I was excited.

Alas, when I enlarged the photo, I was struck by the painful fact that I had failed yet again.

Continue reading A Tale of Two Titties

Sold

Sold

Why Should It Matter That the Mayor’s Gay?

SPD Homepage

It’s a good question, and up until this year, I would have scoffed at anyone who made an issue out of it.

After all, who cares if the mayor’s gay? Why would that make any difference?

Well, I dunno.

Except that, in 2015, the LGBTABCXYZ (or whatever extra letters they’ve picked up lately) Community has revealed themselves to be, quite possibly, the most bigoted group currently inhabiting America.

This, combined with their significantly greater-than-average wealth, means that the suffering of traditionally-unfashionable-yet-less-wealthy groups will increase as members of the LGBTABCXYZ group gains power.

For instance, and this is purely hypothetical ….

Continue reading Why Should It Matter That the Mayor’s Gay?

“Oh, Everyone Thinks New Music Sucks”

Rihanna

Actual, verbatim lyrics to “Rude Boy” by Rihanna:

I wa-wa-want What you wa-wa-want Give it to me baby Like boom, boom, boom What I wa-wa-want Is what you wa-wa-want Na, na-ah

Google Removes the Greatest Thing Ever

Android Urinating on Apple

“We’re sorry for this inappropriate user-created content; we’re working to remove it quickly. We also learn from these issues, and we’re constantly improving how we detect, prevent and handle bad edits.”, said a Google PR person.

Then, she slowly removed the stick from her ass, careful not to rupture anything, looked around, blinked twice, then followed with, “But seriously though, Apple sucks and I save their press releases at home to wipe my ass on.”

 

Trouble at Doggy Daycare

Dogy Daycare Fight

What did you say to my bitch? What did you say to my bitch?

I told her to lose the zero and get with a hero, what, you wearin’ your jumbo-sized Neuticals today?

No, I left my jumbo-sized Neuticals at your mother’s doghouse, motherfucker.

O …. K … we’ll just stay over here until you guys are finished and … no, no, take your time, no rush, my owner works until 7pm, it’s all good, go ahead and finish him off.

P.S. Neuticals are artificial balls.

Continue reading Trouble at Doggy Daycare

Watch Your Back, Fool

Hipster Warning

In some cities, it’s a sign that you’re in gang territory.

In others, it’s a place to buy drugs.

In Seattle, if you spot shoes hanging over a wire, you know with certainty that you’re in a neighborhood full of ex-suburban, white, recent-college-grads with beards and a fetish for authenticity, all of whom would run like their ass was on fire at the mere sight of an actual minority.

That’s right, homies, Sebastian’s turned stone-cold ghetto, and real ghetto niggaz don’t turn their shoes into Payless for proper disposal.  Motherfucker.  You know, unless they’ve flown home for spring break

Continue reading Watch Your Back, Fool

The SPD’s New Policy Already a Success

Car Crashes Through Seattle Resturant

The city of Seattle will consider changing how it prioritizes incidents. Right now it follows a national model — life safety, property, then traffic. The city says it is considering prioritizing traffic over property.

Well what do you know … it’s already working.

 

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