Actual, verbatim lyrics to “Rude Boy” by Rihanna:
I wa-wa-want What you wa-wa-want Give it to me baby Like boom, boom, boom What I wa-wa-want Is what you wa-wa-want Na, na-ah
“We’re sorry for this inappropriate user-created content; we’re working to remove it quickly. We also learn from these issues, and we’re constantly improving how we detect, prevent and handle bad edits.”, said a Google PR person.
Then, she slowly removed the stick from her ass, careful not to rupture anything, looked around, blinked twice, then followed with, “But seriously though, Apple sucks and I save their press releases at home to wipe my ass on.”
P.S. Neuticals are artificial balls.
Continue reading Trouble at Doggy Daycare
In some cities, it’s a sign that you’re in gang territory.
In others, it’s a place to buy drugs.
In Seattle, if you spot shoes hanging over a wire, you know with certainty that you’re in a neighborhood full of ex-suburban, white, recent-college-grads with beards and a fetish for authenticity, all of whom would run like their ass was on fire at the mere sight of an actual minority.
That’s right, homies, Sebastian’s turned stone-cold ghetto, and real ghetto niggaz don’t turn their shoes into Payless for proper disposal. Motherfucker. You know, unless they’ve flown home for spring break
Continue reading Watch Your Back, Fool
Don’t worry homocidal suburban drivers. The SPD still wuvs you.
See, drugs are bad for you, but having a 5,000lb steel bullet roll over your head is full of 8 essential vitamins and minerals!
Besides, laws are for poors and minorities.
Do your thing SPD! Make the city safe for gentrifiers worldwide! Take it from Ed Murray the Tiger, they’re GREAAAATTTTTTT!
SEATTLE – Seattle and federal law enforcement announced 95 arrests Thursday in a major crackdown on drug dealing and other crimes in the city’s downtown core.
Open air drug dealing has been an ongoing issue
Continue reading Running Red Lights Still Okay, Though
Finding parking during rush hour in Downtown Seattle is a pain in the ass. It’s one of the many reasons I don’t drive. That and, you know, climate change, the thing car drivers are always wagging their fingers and screaming at me over because they don’t think I believe in it strongly enough.
I’m convinced, though. I actually fully agree. I agree that car drivers are ruining the earth. I agree that people who get in airplanes and fly home for the holidays are selfish assholes who would gladly eradicate the entire planet in order to get a Christmas gift
Continue reading You’ve Been Hit By … You’ve Been Struck By …
As I was walking up Pike Street on Thursday night, something happened so specifically stereotypical, that I thought it had been planned. Seriously, when it happened, I looked around, trying to spot the hidden camera, because it was all just too … convenient.
After walking several blocks, I reached the Starbucks Pretentious Suburbanite Room or Tasting Room or whatever the fuck it’s called. As I stood at the corner of Melrose & Pike, waiting to cross the street, a BMW pulled up, and out popped three precious white women, one from the passenger seat, two from the rear seats.
Continue reading Confessions of a Hate Criminal
Twenty somethings with cardboard signs.
We have an awful lot of them.
Some of the signs are sad. Some of the signs are funny. Some of the signs are creative.
All of the signs offer help and assistance to passersby for absolutely nothing. Be it food, monetary assistance, or just a sympathetic ear, these young, able-bodied individuals want nothing more than to do a good deed for their fellow man, and the offers of help are made on the homemade signs they work so tirelessly to design.
Just kidding, the signs ask for money. Yes, all of them. Every last
Continue reading Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Fucken Sign
For the majority of human history, businesses have catered to the wants and needs of the customer.
Here in MEattle, we have turned this paradigm on its head. Here, we run businesses for ourselves. We run them for us. We don’t care what you want. At all. We care what we want. And you better fucking tip us or we will snark your ass on Facebook then hang ourselves from a cross on some national morning TV show.
Alas, I’ve all but stopped going to Hot Mamma’s Pizza because every time I do, there’s a line of people waiting
Continue reading MEattle Hospitality
Back in the day, I played basketball, and in those days, I said this line at least 1,000 times … especially when an insult was cast in my direction.
Today, I stumbled upon what I consider to be my favorite commercial of all time. No, really, Taylor, imma let you finish, but this is the greatest commercial of all time! Of all time!
It’s a commercial which could be applied to so many facets of American life … but let’s face it, the industry will never touch 90% of them.
Anyway, without further ado …
While I’m not a huge football fan these days, when I was a kid in Washington DC, I used to like the Redskins, or as we called them (especially when they lost), the Foreskins.
So, it was with some sadness that I periodically read about the team’s name being made an issue of by the six-digit-education-having haters of working-class entertainment.
Today, I happened to be doing some work in the shell, and after I typed a short command, something occurred to me:
bash:~# echo $OSTYPE darwin14
Ah, yes, Darwin … good old
Continue reading Now You Do What They Told Ya
You know, I actually think this is a really nice idea. Heck, I may even do it myself.
That said, if I do, I will be sure to specify not to do it during a weekday morning, because they actually have to stop the ferry for about 5 minutes while hundreds of impatient passengers look on.
By the way, who knew they made big seashell things for just this porpoise?
Eh? Eh? Just this porpoise, get it?
Float in peace whoever you were.
Continue reading Man Overboard!
I took these photos on Friday evening, and while “developing” them today, I noticed something odd.
Now, it may be the weird mushroom I found in my omelette this morning, but I see a face in the photo below. It looks kind of like a chimpanzee with a big nose, or perhaps an ancient Aztec warrior made of stone … or maybe … just maybe … if you tilt your head just right … Sticky Fingaz from Onyx.
Frankly, I don’t know who/what it is, or what it may want, but I do know one thing, and that’s how to
Continue reading The Man in the Space Needle Reflection
Oh no, my friends.
What you are looking at is not a Pussy Destroyer.
What you currently have fixated within your gaze …
Is a Pussy Obliterator.
Once those fine-ass threads hit the floor, it’s all over.
Boom, bap, poof, it’s gone.
“Where’d my baby-maker go?”, you’ll wonder, but it will be too late. All that will be left for you to do, is pick up the phone, call your mother, and say “Sorry, Mom, but you’ll never be a grandmother like I promised … I’ve been the victim of the Pussy Obliterator”.
You have been warned.
Continue reading Pussy Destroyer?
When Robert Plant wrote the song “Whole Lotta Love” in 1969, where he sang:
“I’m gonna give you every inch of my love”
What people didn’t realize then, but what musical historians have since uncovered through numerous interviews, as well as linguistic research, is that what Robert was referring to was, in fact, his penis.
Coming up: Seattle Rex takes you back to 1977 and the Kiss classic “Love Gun”, where he reveals the surprising details behind its true meaning.
Continue reading Little-Known Music Fact
How small must his heart be to steal power from Christmas lights?
That’s right, homelice here was out of power for his phone/mp3 player, so he stopped to charge it from an outlet on the Christmas lights.
Is nothing sacred?
Does the spirit of Christmas mean nothing any more?
We’re supposed to be giving this time of year, not taking, yet here this guy is, taking power away from the people. That money could be used to buy enemas for baby kittens or some shit, but does he care?
Not at all.
Fine, we’re talking pennies in power here,
Continue reading Power From the People
Good grief, that’s expensive! How much are we paying these cops anyway???!!!!! Has anyone looked into the payroll over at SPD Headquarters???
Until they do, I wish you assholes would stop protesting because this shit is getting way to expen ….
Face it, Seattle. Protests or no protests, we’re getting fleeced by the SPD, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.
It begs the question …
What’s more expensive?
Occupied police officers, or idle police officers?
As much as I’ve been critical of the Ferguson
Continue reading Know What Else Is Expensive?
Word on the street has it that, once it was pointed out to him that homeless and elderly people were slightly stronger, and thus slightly better able to defend themselves, than a children’s choir … Mo Better Blues Hawk wanted nothing to do with tonight’s event.
I’d say it was a solid decision.
Well done, toddlers.
Oh, and they also simplify business banking.
I ran across this poster on 5th Avenue last week, and it really piqued my curiosity.
See, I don’t know why one would want to run through Gas Works Park, kicking the shit out of Canadian Geese.
Hold on …
Wait a minute …
Wait just a minute …
Yes I do …
Yes I do know why one would would want to do such a thing …
Remember this from a couple of years back?
It’s settled, then.
I’m opening an account at Sound Community
Continue reading Sound Community Bank Helps You Kick the Shit Out of Geese
Hey Dave, thanks a lot.
Thanks for selling tickets to a surprise show at 3pm on a workday.
As a 45 year-old dude with a lot of non-famous friends, one would think you’d be wise to the realities of the post-great-recession American man. You know, those tragically unhip hate-targets who bust their asses to support families, and probably represent far more of your fanbase than the current crop of staycation Seattleites, doggy daddies, trust funders, and perpetual students.
Despite this, they’re not even worthy of a fair shot at a couple of show tickets?
Well, alright then. I guess
Continue reading Fuck You Dave
Meet Pike Street’s newest grill. And bar.
Masala Grill & Bar will soon open at Pike & 9th, and they promise to offer a cuisine few people have sampled.
I was going to speculate about how their new sign could have been made without anyone … without a single person … catching the obvious misspelling of our country’s name.
For once, however, I have nothing.
Hilton’s latest property has been illuminated on the corner of 8th & Pine.
I don’t want to say that it looks out of place, but, well, judge for yourself. Keep in mind that this is the bottom few floors of a 500′-ish, 40+ floor tower.
Honestly, it doesn’t look bad … I’ve walked past it the past few evenings, and it’s growing on me. Dare I say, it even looks pretty cool. Located across the street from the historic Paramount Theater, however, it just looks out of place.
The price of progress I guess.
Continue reading Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that supposed to be?
What the fuck was that?
It was like, a 3-headed gila monster or something.
It was like some three-headed creature from the depths of hell. It had three heads, and they were all weird. Like, bad-acid-at-work weird. Like getting a random erection while watching Pokemon weird. Like, stoned and suddenly having to poop, but
Continue reading Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew
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