Oh no, my friends.
What you are looking at is not a Pussy Destroyer.
What you currently have fixated within your gaze …
Is a Pussy Obliterator.
Once those fine-ass threads hit the floor, it’s all over.
Boom, bap, poof, it’s gone.
“Where’d my baby-maker go?”, you’ll wonder, but it will be too late. All that will be left for you to do, is pick up the phone, call your mother, and say “Sorry, Mom, but you’ll never be a grandmother like I promised … I’ve been the victim of the Pussy Obliterator”.
You have been warned.
Continue reading Pussy Destroyer?
When Robert Plant wrote the song “Whole Lotta Love” in 1969, where he sang:
“I’m gonna give you every inch of my love”
What people didn’t realize then, but what musical historians have since uncovered through numerous interviews, as well as linguistic research, is that what Robert was referring to was, in fact, his penis.
Coming up: Seattle Rex takes you back to 1977 and the Kiss classic “Love Gun”, where he reveals the surprising details behind its true meaning.
Continue reading Little-Known Music Fact
How small must his heart be to steal power from Christmas lights?
That’s right, homelice here was out of power for his phone/mp3 player, so he stopped to charge it from an outlet on the Christmas lights.
Is nothing sacred?
Does the spirit of Christmas mean nothing any more?
We’re supposed to be giving this time of year, not taking, yet here this guy is, taking power away from the people. That money could be used to buy enemas for baby kittens or some shit, but does he care?
Not at all.
Fine, we’re talking pennies in power here,
Continue reading Power From the People
Still loved after all these years, eh fellas?
This sign has been taped to a pole in the 8th & Olive/Howell triangle for about 2 weeks now.
Good grief, that’s expensive! How much are we paying these cops anyway???!!!!! Has anyone looked into the payroll over at SPD Headquarters???
Until they do, I wish you assholes would stop protesting because this shit is getting way to expen ….
Face it, Seattle. Protests or no protests, we’re getting fleeced by the SPD, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.
It begs the question …
What’s more expensive?
Occupied police officers, or idle police officers?
As much as I’ve been critical of the Ferguson
Continue reading Know What Else Is Expensive?
Word on the street has it that, once it was pointed out to him that homeless and elderly people were slightly stronger, and thus slightly better able to defend themselves, than a children’s choir … Mo Better Blues Hawk wanted nothing to do with tonight’s event.
I’d say it was a solid decision.
Well done, toddlers.
You know, people say I’m not helpful, but I just don’t see it.
I spotted this message on Pike Street the other day, and not only did I give it a wider-audience, I also made it factually-accurate.
Does that sound unhelpful to you?
Oh, and they also simplify business banking.
I ran across this poster on 5th Avenue last week, and it really piqued my curiosity.
See, I don’t know why one would want to run through Gas Works Park, kicking the shit out of Canadian Geese.
Hold on …
Wait a minute …
Wait just a minute …
Yes I do …
Yes I do know why one would would want to do such a thing …
Remember this from a couple of years back?
It’s settled, then.
I’m opening an account at Sound Community
Continue reading Sound Community Bank Helps You Kick the Shit Out of Geese
I thought this video was appropriate for the occasion.
God Bless Us Everyone.
Hey Dave, thanks a lot.
Thanks for selling tickets to a surprise show at 3pm on a workday.
As a 45 year-old dude with a lot of non-famous friends, one would think you’d be wise to the realities of the post-great-recession American man. You know, those tragically unhip hate-targets who bust their asses to support families, and probably represent far more of your fanbase than the current crop of staycation Seattleites, doggy daddies, trust funders, and perpetual students.
Despite this, they’re not even worthy of a fair shot at a couple of show tickets?
Well, alright then. I guess
Continue reading Fuck You Dave
Meet Pike Street’s newest grill. And bar.
Masala Grill & Bar will soon open at Pike & 9th, and they promise to offer a cuisine few people have sampled.
I was going to speculate about how their new sign could have been made without anyone … without a single person … catching the obvious misspelling of our country’s name.
For once, however, I have nothing.
Hilton’s latest property has been illuminated on the corner of 8th & Pine.
I don’t want to say that it looks out of place, but, well, judge for yourself. Keep in mind that this is the bottom few floors of a 500′-ish, 40+ floor tower.
Honestly, it doesn’t look bad … I’ve walked past it the past few evenings, and it’s growing on me. Dare I say, it even looks pretty cool. Located across the street from the historic Paramount Theater, however, it just looks out of place.
The price of progress I guess.
Continue reading Planet Hollywood Comes to Seattle
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that supposed to be?
What the fuck was that?
It was like, a 3-headed gila monster or something.
It was like some three-headed creature from the depths of hell. It had three heads, and they were all weird. Like, bad-acid-at-work weird. Like getting a random erection while watching Pokemon weird. Like, stoned and suddenly having to poop, but
Continue reading Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew
So, a friend of mine was watching Hulu about an hour ago, when a commercial for Ben Bridge Jeweler came on.
“That’s weird”, she thought,” why is a mother giving jewelry to her adult daughter … no wait, that’s two sisters … no wait … ohhhhhhh … I see … they’re domestic partners … I mean husband and wife … I mean wife and wife … fuck it, they’re muff divers. At least they’re supposed to be in the commercial.”
Ah yes, let the exploitation of gay marriage commence.
You know, it’s interesting, in 2008, Barack Obama came out opposed to
Continue reading Yeah Right
Yes, it’s that time of year again.
The time of year when a man grabs his hoe, throws ‘er over his shoulder, heads outside, and repeatedly slams that hoe into the ground for the betterment of his family and indeed, society.
Wait, oh, Daylight Savings Time just ended.
Don’t touch your hoe for the next 4 months, but then … well … you know the drill.
What is that?
That thing over there …
See it? Do you see it?
Right there, that thing in the water …
It’s a white woman on a surf board striking some strange look-at-me-no-don’t-look-at-me-you-creep-no-really-look-at-me pose …
Wait … is it, could it be … oh my God, it is, I can’t believe my eyes …
It’s a quirky white girl! In Seattle no less! IT’S A QUIRKY WHITE GIRL IN SEATTLE! And I actually have my camera on me! Can you believe my luck?!!
While this may not sound like a big deal, a little perspective in
Continue reading A Rare Quirky White Girl Sighting
On June 10th, 2013, I posted the following:
Since that time, graffiti has appeared all over Seattle with the following message:
Maybe, but the timing of it all is a little odd. There is an older cat meme with the phrase, but I can’t find another example in search engines using: “can’t have nice things” +graffiti .
Perhaps it’s the same kind of “coincidence” as the tourism bureau’s “Only in Seattle” campaign that was borne after I’d spent a month titling posts with that line, or the local news outrage over the new parking meter failures,
Continue reading You’re Welcome?
“You won’t walk right for days. We guarantee it.”
Pictured here is another satisfied customer. If you know what I mean.
Ahhh, young newcomer love. Our vandal here is so new to the city, that he/she has yet to realize that, once she feels inclined to do something else, Laura has no intention of “saying” anything. That’s much too confrontational, not to mention, scary, what with mom back home in Twin Falls and all.
Better learn to take the hint, because a hint is all you’re ever going to get. That’s what happens when you grow up having “playdates”, where every interaction with other people is governed by the watchful eye of a parental unit. When it was time to go, the departure was
Continue reading The Passive-Aggressive Vandal
Alright ya pussies, you got marijuana legalized, but weed is for children. Amateurs. Precious suburban kids who, months prior, were sniffing glue. That’s why it was legalized. The suburban white people of the State of Washington just couldn’t in good conscience keep arresting suburban white kids. If the decision to legalize it was purely ethics-based, they would have legalized all drugs.
Yes, pot is about as white suburban as a drug can be. I know, I know, your favorite studio gangsta talks about smoking indo all the time, and you think it’s badass.
No, no wait … aren’t the G’s
Continue reading Real Niggaz Smoke Crack
Apparently Soundgarden is playing during the NFL’s Xbox Verizon kickoff on September 4th.
I’m not quite sure what this means, but the pigeons seem to like it.
I hope to figure this all out before the appointed date.
This is a fascinating time in American history. We’re actually watching a culture commit suicide before our very eyes.
The hypocritical speech codes which ensure that only corporate-approved speech can be uttered over public airwaves, as the people who claim to support free speech stand around chanting “It’s not the government restricting speech, it’s the corporations!” … oblivious to the realization that they are one and the same, but not really caring because one-sided have already been passed prohibiting said corporations from restricting their free speech. (how’s that for a run-on sentence?)
Case in point, ESPN has suspended its third host
Continue reading Another Dispatch from Western Civilization’s Decline
Seattle. A city comprised of 600,000 transplanted suburbanites. More passive-aggressive notes per square mile than all other cities in the USA combined.
I encountered the above notes today while walking on the same block. The same block!
It looks like it’s time for another installment of “Seattle Rex’s Suburbanite Education Series”. This one will be brief.
Dear Neighbors from Outer Culdesacia, I have a few tips to make your staycation more enjoyable, not just for yourself, but for everyone.
One note is passive-aggressive. Two notes is obsessive-compulsive. That was a comment, not a tip. Here we
Continue reading You Might Be From The Suburbs …
During my evening commute, while still in the middle of the sound, I felt the captain throw the ferry into reverse thrust. When I looked out of the window to see what was going on, I spotted what looked like a gigantic whale. I gathered my things and headed to the bow of the boat, and when I got there, I noticed that the “whale” was in fact a submarine.
I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the Puget Sound, and I’ve seen thousands of different vessels on that body of water, but this was a first for
Continue reading What’s Long and Hard and Filled With Seamen?
“If you ask me, you look like a couple of them ‘Canadian’ geese.”
I took this photo moments before they got taken in for obstruction.
When I get the standard reply from suburban soccermoms, I just politely concede my children’s disadvantage.
“They don’t have a yard? They share a room? You don’t have a car?”
“You’re right”, I say sheepishly, “You’re right. Next year, we’re going to.”
They don’t understand, they can’t understand, nor do I want them to. Instead, I play up the “poor us” angle. It makes honkies feel better about themselves.
Two generations of white flight has left the vast majority of suburban Americans completely ignorant of urban life. “What if they get mugged?”, is another oft-repeated question, which
Continue reading Summer Break in Seattle