So, I already know that this will be the most visited post of 2015. The internet is just that predictable.
It won’t be disappointed either. Not when it sees that I delivered the goods once again.
See, a member of my family desperately wanted a cat, a kitten to be more specific, and after much searching, I found one, and I rescued it.
That’s right, after ascertaining the address of the cat I wished to procure, I arrived at the kitten’s former home, and what I saw was horrifying.
Flames. The house was engulfed in them, and smoke was
Continue reading Pussy Pictures
A couple of years ago, I published a cartoon titled “Caleb Calls Home” that not everyone understood. If after this post you still don’t understand, then I have only one thing to say to you:
The first two photos on this page are of a man I encountered while walking Downtown on Pike Street. At first I thought he was homeless, but when I got closer, I realized he was just a member of our new transplant demographic. Those whose interactions with others have only occurred within the context of a “playdate”, and those who have
Continue reading MEattle. It Is What It Is.
We all know how hard it can be to suppress a reaction when confronted with the unintended consequences of the spandex fad.
As far as I’m concerned, whoever started said fad is on the hook for replacement corneas for every man, woman, and child that lives within the Seattle city limits.
In this woman’s case, that person is on the hook for a completely new set of eyeballs. It appears that hers completely disintegrated.
Sorry, ma’am, you should have been warned.
As for the rest of you, consider this your warning.
The spandex fad is still alive in Seattle. Avoid the
Continue reading My Sentiments Exactly
Located directly across 8th from the Paramount Theater, ‘Premiere on Pine’ is a brand-spanking new residential tower in midtown Seattle. It is a tower that I personally watched being built, from the basement to the roof. Here is a picture I took of the lot before the building was even a twinkle in some wealthy developer’s eye (June 2011):
Mural at 9th & Pine
Premiere on Pine is the building that took several pages from the Planet Hollywood School of Architecture, and decorated the outside of the lower floors with unusual neon lights which act as sort of
Continue reading View from the Top of ‘Premiere on Pine’
The last article maybe wasn’t exactly the last Amazon update for awhile. It was close, though. I just found something out, so bear with me …
So, when Amazon cancelled my order, I figured it was a ploy to reneg on my compensation. After all, I’d already conceded to wait, how hard would it have been to stick my order in another box and ship it back out? Or just let the order that was on its way, continue? Just why, exactly, did I need to start over from square one, and take time out of my day to
Continue reading Amazon Metes Out Corporate Punishment
KinderCare with Barricades
What you see above, is concrete barriers outside of a KinderCare in Midtown Seattle.
A few months ago, an automobile failed to stop, and it plowed right through the plate glass windows. Fortunately it was after-hours and no one was injured (except the car occupants), but had it happened earlier in the day, several children would, without any doubt, be dead.
KinderCare – Boarding Windows
For months, the childcare business had boards on the windows, but they recently got them replaced. Then, they placed concrete barriers in front of the daycare to prevent the kids
Continue reading Concrete Barriers Necessary: Only in Seattle
After ignoring my emails all day yesterday, Amazon finally agreed to make my order good this morning.
Since my deadline for the gift orders were actually tomorrow, they told me to re-place the order with overnight shipping, send them the order number, and they would credit me for the shipping.
I went back to the website to do exactly that, except oh no, what’s this, there was no overnight shipping available for my order.
I replied to the service agent to explain this development, and ….
“Wait, are you saying that after all you went through, they
Continue reading Amazon Takes One Last Shot at Me
What did you say to my bitch? What did you say to my bitch?
I told her to lose the zero and get with a hero, what, you wearin’ your jumbo-sized Neuticals today?
No, I left my jumbo-sized Neuticals at your mother’s doghouse, motherfucker.
O …. K … we’ll just stay over here until you guys are finished and … no, no, take your time, no rush, my owner works until 7pm, it’s all good, go ahead and finish him off.
P.S. Neuticals are artificial balls.
Continue reading Trouble at Doggy Daycare
• I placed an order and paid extra for, and I quote, “Guaranteed Two-Day Shipping”. (I’ve never had anything arrive in 2 days from Amazon via second day shipping, but I guess I’m an optimist. Plus I got tired of waiting two weeks for deliveries, a time artificially extended to extract $99 more from customers.)
• 3 days later, it had not arrived as usual, so I contacted Amazon. After a couple of bad interactions, I also left negative feedback.
• “For my inconvenience”, Amazon apologized profusely and seemingly sincerely (they weren’t), and they agreed to compensate me. They gave me
Continue reading Suing Amazon
In some cities, it’s a sign that you’re in gang territory.
In others, it’s a place to buy drugs.
In Seattle, if you spot shoes hanging over a wire, you know with certainty that you’re in a neighborhood full of ex-suburban, white, recent-college-grads with beards and a fetish for authenticity, all of whom would run like their ass was on fire at the mere sight of an actual minority.
That’s right, homies, Sebastian’s turned stone-cold ghetto, and real ghetto niggaz don’t turn their shoes into Payless for proper disposal. Motherfucker. You know, unless they’ve flown home for spring break
Continue reading Watch Your Back, Fool
Typical Seattle Driver
Don’t worry homocidal suburban drivers. The SPD still wuvs you.
See, drugs are bad for you, but having a 5,000lb steel bullet roll over your head is full of 8 essential vitamins and minerals!
Besides, laws are for poors and minorities.
Do your thing SPD! Make the city safe for gentrifiers worldwide! Take it from Ed Murray the Tiger, they’re GREAAAATTTTTTT!
SEATTLE – Seattle and federal law enforcement announced 95 arrests Thursday in a major crackdown on drug dealing and other crimes in the city’s downtown core.
Open air drug dealing has been an ongoing issue
Continue reading Running Red Lights Still Okay, Though
Who looks exactly the way that I look? Me! When I am reading, who’s holding the book? Me! When I want dinner, who always will feed me? Who’s always handy whenever I need me? Firm as a feather in all kinds of weather, Me, me, wonderful me!
-Official song of Seattle Tourists Worldwide
“Seattle Rex exaggerates.”
I know you think it. Frankly, I don’t blame you. I would think the same thing. I have some weird tales to tell at times. I see things that, frankly, are not very believable.
I’m aware that there’s a healthy amount of skepticism and disbelief
Continue reading Another Dispatch from the Streets of MEattle
On any given weekend night, I can be spotted on Capitol Hill, shoving Dick’s in my mouth, then sucking on the business end of a long cylinder until it erupts into my mouth with all of its creamy goodness.
Yes, Dick’s hamburgers and milkshakes are still quite good after all these years, not to mention, the source of exactly 27.82% of all juvenile penis jokes told within the Seattle City Limits.
Make that 27.83%.
There’s another reason I eat Dick’s, though. You see, I just happen to be a Swass motherfucker (see 3:24):
“I got a def posse,
Continue reading Eating Dick’s on Capitol Hill
I hope it was one HELL of a text message.
You know, I have to hand it to Mayor Ed Murray.
I’ve been giving the man hell for the past couple of weeks, but as it turns out, he has way more integrity than I had realized.
Today, Mr. Murray called a press conference to answer his critics, to call off his ill-conceived “Boycott” of Indiana, and what he said surprised even me.
“I was misguided, and I’m sorry”, Murray said, “My heart was in the right place, and I thought I was fighting the good fight, and supporting civil rights. After doing some soul searching over the past
Continue reading Thank You, Ed Murray
I sometimes look at the Space Needle and wonder … space? It’s 605 feet tall.
Now granted, I’m not 605 feet tall, I’m a little under, but still … space?
What is it supposed to be injecting into the 600′ level, I mean “space”, anyway?
Between you and me, I don’t think the Space Needle reaches all the way into space. I think it’s just some kind of marketing thing. Extreme Lower Troposphere Needle just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I still like the building, but a little truth in advertising is in order, don’t you think?
Continue reading The Lower Troposphere Observation Tower
Seattle Mayor Ed Murray on Saturday announced his decision to prohibit the use of city funds for travel by all city employees on city business to the State of Indiana after the passage of S.B. 101.
The new law, which was signed by Governor Pence on Thursday, has the potential to legalize discrimination against LGBT people and others based on religious beliefs, a press release from Murray said.
“Seattleites know that discrimination has no place in our City – that’s just equality ‘101’,” said Ed Murray.
More than a dozen states this year are considering measures aimed at preventing
Continue reading I Apologize
Amanda Knox has finally cast off the shackles of her oppressors, and she’s proven to the world that a rich white woman with a highly-paid PR firm behind her, and ties to rich Democratic politicians, can still be treated fairly in our cruel, cruel society.
She suffered for the sins of affluent white girls everywhere, and with a little help from some rich and powerful people, she emerged victorious.
It’s your classic underdog story.
A woman is accused of murder; uses Page 1 from the White Girl Murderer playbook and blames a black guy; is convicted; is un-convicted
Continue reading The Crucifixion and Martyrdom of Amanda Knox
Yesterday, a woman was beaten on Venice Beach as throngs of onlookers sat and watched.
It should. Not long ago, a woman was attacked in Westlake Park in broad daylight, and nobody stepped in to help her there, either.
The two most heavily Democratic jurisdictions in the country, yet not one person lifts a finger to help?
This is what happens when a problem can’t be solved with snarky Internet comments, or barring that, large marches where they outnumber their opponents.
Remember the Slutwalk, where dissenters were “removed” from public streets by march participants?
Hey guys, where
Continue reading Sound Familiar?
When a city has people living on its streets in poverty and squalor, one might surmise that correcting this would be the top priority of that city’s Democratic Party.
One would be right if that city had a Republican mayor, or any non-Democrat mayor for that matter. Using the poor to shame political opponents is the first pillar of the Democratic Party.
When that city is solidly Democratic, however, priorities quickly shift toward making the rich richer, and the poor … absent.
Just try and find a staunchly Democratic jurisdiction in this country that isn’t notorious for cronyism, nepotism, and
Continue reading Seattle Mayor Ed Murray Escalates War on the Poor
Finding parking during rush hour in Downtown Seattle is a pain in the ass. It’s one of the many reasons I don’t drive. That and, you know, climate change, the thing car drivers are always wagging their fingers and screaming at me over because they don’t think I believe in it strongly enough.
I’m convinced, though. I actually fully agree. I agree that car drivers are ruining the earth. I agree that people who get in airplanes and fly home for the holidays are selfish assholes who would gladly eradicate the entire planet in order to get a Christmas gift
Continue reading You’ve Been Hit By … You’ve Been Struck By …
As I was walking up Pike Street on Thursday night, something happened so specifically stereotypical, that I thought it had been planned. Seriously, when it happened, I looked around, trying to spot the hidden camera, because it was all just too … convenient.
After walking several blocks, I reached the Starbucks Pretentious Suburbanite Room or Tasting Room or whatever the fuck it’s called. As I stood at the corner of Melrose & Pike, waiting to cross the street, a BMW pulled up, and out popped three precious white women, one from the passenger seat, two from the rear seats.
Continue reading Confessions of a Hate Criminal
Growing up, I was called a “faggot” more times than I can remember. Probably 10,000 times, maybe more. Come to think of it, everyone was called faggot. In fact, I doubt a single day went by when I, my friends, my enemies, and even the boys I didn’t know were called faggots.
I wasn’t gay, though. Oh sure, a little effeminate maybe. In later years, people who knew me when I was a child compared that Haley Joel Osment kid to me. I was a sensitive kid with higher IQ than most of my peers, and it caused me
Continue reading Mayor Ed Murray’s War on Tolerance & Diversity
To all of you who claim to be surprised by the Democrat’s latest wealth transfer bill in Olympia, well, you shouldn’t be. After all, the Democratic Party was the party which fought for slavery in the Civil War. The Democratic Party is the party of the Ku Klux Klan. From 1933 to 1960, the Democratic Party opposed 80% of all Civil Rights Bills. 40% of Democrats opposed the Civil Rights Act (as opposed to 20% of Republicans who opposed).
That the Democratic Party would support a bill allowing wealthy white landowners to seize more of black people’s meager earnings
Continue reading Keeping it Real
We’re a state run by the Democratic Party, and if you ask anyone around here, they’ll tell you …
The other political parties hate poor people and black people and all other minorities except wait, what’s this, payday loans disproportionately affect poor people and black people and other minorities, and our legislature just sold them to big business.
Despite this, we’ll vote for these very same people in the next election cycle.
Because we don’t give a damn about poor people or black people or other minorities. Seriously. We could not care less. We just want to feel
Continue reading I See Your Twuuuu Colors, Shining Through
I’ve been critical of the media in the past.
I’ve accused them of keeping the populace scared for ratings.
And to continue their master’s mental enslavement of the masses.
Not this time, though.
This time, the media was spot on.
See, they told you the drones were coming.
They told you that the drones were coming for you.
They told you to fear the drones, and to fear them with every fiber of your being.
And you know what?
They were right.
See, I got mine.
They used to be called “RC helicopters”.
Continue reading Say Hello to My Little Friend
Twenty somethings with cardboard signs.
We have an awful lot of them.
Some of the signs are sad. Some of the signs are funny. Some of the signs are creative.
All of the signs offer help and assistance to passersby for absolutely nothing. Be it food, monetary assistance, or just a sympathetic ear, these young, able-bodied individuals want nothing more than to do a good deed for their fellow man, and the offers of help are made on the homemade signs they work so tirelessly to design.
Just kidding, the signs ask for money. Yes, all of them. Every last
Continue reading Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Fucken Sign
For the majority of human history, businesses have catered to the wants and needs of the customer.
Here in MEattle, we have turned this paradigm on its head. Here, we run businesses for ourselves. We run them for us. We don’t care what you want. At all. We care what we want. And you better fucking tip us or we will snark your ass on Facebook then hang ourselves from a cross on some national morning TV show.
Alas, I’ve all but stopped going to Hot Mamma’s Pizza because every time I do, there’s a line of people waiting
Continue reading MEattle Hospitality