Typical Seattle Driver
Don’t worry homocidal suburban drivers. The SPD still wuvs you.
See, drugs are bad for you, but having a 5,000lb steel bullet roll over your head is full of 8 essential vitamins and minerals!
Besides, laws are for poors and minorities.
Do your thing SPD! Make the city safe for gentrifiers worldwide! Take it from Ed Murray the Tiger, they’re GREAAAATTTTTTT!
SEATTLE – Seattle and federal law enforcement announced 95 arrests Thursday in a major crackdown on drug dealing and other crimes in the city’s downtown core.
Open air drug dealing has been an ongoing issue
Continue reading Running Red Lights Still Okay, Though
Who looks exactly the way that I look? Me! When I am reading, who’s holding the book? Me! When I want dinner, who always will feed me? Who’s always handy whenever I need me? Firm as a feather in all kinds of weather, Me, me, wonderful me!
-Official song of Seattle Tourists Worldwide
“Seattle Rex exaggerates.”
I know you think it. Frankly, I don’t blame you. I would think the same thing. I have some weird tales to tell at times. I see things that, frankly, are not very believable.
I’m aware that there’s a healthy amount of skepticism and disbelief
Continue reading Another Dispatch from the Streets of MEattle
On any given weekend night, I can be spotted on Capitol Hill, shoving Dick’s in my mouth, then sucking on the business end of a long cylinder until it erupts into my mouth with all of its creamy goodness.
Yes, Dick’s hamburgers and milkshakes are still quite good after all these years, not to mention, the source of exactly 27.82% of all juvenile penis jokes told within the Seattle City Limits.
Make that 27.83%.
There’s another reason I eat Dick’s, though. You see, I just happen to be a Swass motherfucker (see 3:24):
“I got a def posse,
Continue reading Eating Dick’s on Capitol Hill
I hope it was one HELL of a text message.
You know, I have to hand it to Mayor Ed Murray.
I’ve been giving the man hell for the past couple of weeks, but as it turns out, he has way more integrity than I had realized.
Today, Mr. Murray called a press conference to answer his critics, to call off his ill-conceived “Boycott” of Indiana, and what he said surprised even me.
“I was misguided, and I’m sorry”, Murray said, “My heart was in the right place, and I thought I was fighting the good fight, and supporting civil rights. After doing some soul searching over the past
Continue reading Thank You, Ed Murray
I sometimes look at the Space Needle and wonder … space? It’s 605 feet tall.
Now granted, I’m not 605 feet tall, I’m a little under, but still … space?
What is it supposed to be injecting into the 600′ level, I mean “space”, anyway?
Between you and me, I don’t think the Space Needle reaches all the way into space. I think it’s just some kind of marketing thing. Extreme Lower Troposphere Needle just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I still like the building, but a little truth in advertising is in order, don’t you think?
Continue reading The Lower Troposphere Observation Tower
Seattle Mayor Ed Murray on Saturday announced his decision to prohibit the use of city funds for travel by all city employees on city business to the State of Indiana after the passage of S.B. 101.
The new law, which was signed by Governor Pence on Thursday, has the potential to legalize discrimination against LGBT people and others based on religious beliefs, a press release from Murray said.
“Seattleites know that discrimination has no place in our City – that’s just equality ‘101’,” said Ed Murray.
More than a dozen states this year are considering measures aimed at preventing
Continue reading I Apologize
Amanda Knox has finally cast off the shackles of her oppressors, and she’s proven to the world that a rich white woman with a highly-paid PR firm behind her, and ties to rich Democratic politicians, can still be treated fairly in our cruel, cruel society.
She suffered for the sins of affluent white girls everywhere, and with a little help from some rich and powerful people, she emerged victorious.
It’s your classic underdog story.
A woman is accused of murder; uses Page 1 from the White Girl Murderer playbook and blames a black guy; is convicted; is un-convicted
Continue reading The Crucifixion and Martyrdom of Amanda Knox
Yesterday, a woman was beaten on Venice Beach as throngs of onlookers sat and watched.
It should. Not long ago, a woman was attacked in Westlake Park in broad daylight, and nobody stepped in to help her there, either.
The two most heavily Democratic jurisdictions in the country, yet not one person lifts a finger to help?
This is what happens when a problem can’t be solved with snarky Internet comments, or barring that, large marches where they outnumber their opponents.
Remember the Slutwalk, where dissenters were “removed” from public streets by march participants?
Hey guys, where
Continue reading Sound Familiar?
When a city has people living on its streets in poverty and squalor, one might surmise that correcting this would be the top priority of that city’s Democratic Party.
One would be right if that city had a Republican mayor, or any non-Democrat mayor for that matter. Using the poor to shame political opponents is the first pillar of the Democratic Party.
When that city is solidly Democratic, however, priorities quickly shift toward making the rich richer, and the poor … absent.
Just try and find a staunchly Democratic jurisdiction in this country that isn’t notorious for cronyism, nepotism, and
Continue reading Seattle Mayor Ed Murray Escalates War on the Poor
Finding parking during rush hour in Downtown Seattle is a pain in the ass. It’s one of the many reasons I don’t drive. That and, you know, climate change, the thing car drivers are always wagging their fingers and screaming at me over because they don’t think I believe in it strongly enough.
I’m convinced, though. I actually fully agree. I agree that car drivers are ruining the earth. I agree that people who get in airplanes and fly home for the holidays are selfish assholes who would gladly eradicate the entire planet in order to get a Christmas gift
Continue reading You’ve Been Hit By … You’ve Been Struck By …
As I was walking up Pike Street on Thursday night, something happened so specifically stereotypical, that I thought it had been planned. Seriously, when it happened, I looked around, trying to spot the hidden camera, because it was all just too … convenient.
After walking several blocks, I reached the Starbucks Pretentious Suburbanite Room or Tasting Room or whatever the fuck it’s called. As I stood at the corner of Melrose & Pike, waiting to cross the street, a BMW pulled up, and out popped three precious white women, one from the passenger seat, two from the rear seats.
Continue reading Confessions of a Hate Criminal
Growing up, I was called a “faggot” more times than I can remember. Probably 10,000 times, maybe more. Come to think of it, everyone was called faggot. In fact, I doubt a single day went by when I, my friends, my enemies, and even the boys I didn’t know were called faggots.
I wasn’t gay, though. Oh sure, a little effeminate maybe. In later years, people who knew me when I was a child compared that Haley Joel Osment kid to me. I was a sensitive kid with higher IQ than most of my peers, and it caused me
Continue reading Mayor Ed Murray’s War on Tolerance & Diversity
To all of you who claim to be surprised by the Democrat’s latest wealth transfer bill in Olympia, well, you shouldn’t be. After all, the Democratic Party was the party which fought for slavery in the Civil War. The Democratic Party is the party of the Ku Klux Klan. From 1933 to 1960, the Democratic Party opposed 80% of all Civil Rights Bills. 40% of Democrats opposed the Civil Rights Act (as opposed to 20% of Republicans who opposed).
That the Democratic Party would support a bill allowing wealthy white landowners to seize more of black people’s meager earnings
Continue reading Keeping it Real
We’re a state run by the Democratic Party, and if you ask anyone around here, they’ll tell you …
The other political parties hate poor people and black people and all other minorities except wait, what’s this, payday loans disproportionately affect poor people and black people and other minorities, and our legislature just sold them to big business.
Despite this, we’ll vote for these very same people in the next election cycle.
Because we don’t give a damn about poor people or black people or other minorities. Seriously. We could not care less. We just want to feel
Continue reading I See Your Twuuuu Colors, Shining Through
I’ve been critical of the media in the past.
I’ve accused them of keeping the populace scared for ratings.
And to continue their master’s mental enslavement of the masses.
Not this time, though.
This time, the media was spot on.
See, they told you the drones were coming.
They told you that the drones were coming for you.
They told you to fear the drones, and to fear them with every fiber of your being.
And you know what?
They were right.
See, I got mine.
They used to be called “RC helicopters”.
Continue reading Say Hello to My Little Friend
Twenty somethings with cardboard signs.
We have an awful lot of them.
Some of the signs are sad. Some of the signs are funny. Some of the signs are creative.
All of the signs offer help and assistance to passersby for absolutely nothing. Be it food, monetary assistance, or just a sympathetic ear, these young, able-bodied individuals want nothing more than to do a good deed for their fellow man, and the offers of help are made on the homemade signs they work so tirelessly to design.
Just kidding, the signs ask for money. Yes, all of them. Every last
Continue reading Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Fucken Sign
For the majority of human history, businesses have catered to the wants and needs of the customer.
Here in MEattle, we have turned this paradigm on its head. Here, we run businesses for ourselves. We run them for us. We don’t care what you want. At all. We care what we want. And you better fucking tip us or we will snark your ass on Facebook then hang ourselves from a cross on some national morning TV show.
Alas, I’ve all but stopped going to Hot Mamma’s Pizza because every time I do, there’s a line of people waiting
Continue reading MEattle Hospitality
Gentrification Creates Homelessness Graffiti
Here in Seattle, we like to state problems. Repeatedly. In self-righteous, indignant ways.
Solving those problems?
We could not possibly care less about doing so.
Solving problems takes effort, incurs inconvenience, and requires honest self-assessment. Fuhuhuhuhuhuck that. We just want to state them. Repeatedly. In self-righteous, indignant ways.
If a problem can’t be solved with a pissy note left anonymously on somebody’s windshield, we don’t solve it.
I stood in Westlake Park during the $15 minimum wage rally, and I finally got up the stones to ask a nearby group if they didn’t think their
Continue reading No Shit, Sherlock
It is what it is.
From Pike Place Market to 15th Avenue, I’ve probably logged more hours on Pike Street in the last decade than any other street in the world. My entire family knows every crack, dip, and imperfection along the entire stretch of Pike’s sidewalk, both sides.
This being the case, I’ve also probably made more pictures of Pike Street than any other street in the world.
This is one of them.
Back in the day, I played basketball, and in those days, I said this line at least 1,000 times … especially when an insult was cast in my direction.
Today, I stumbled upon what I consider to be my favorite commercial of all time. No, really, Taylor, imma let you finish, but this is the greatest commercial of all time! Of all time!
It’s a commercial which could be applied to so many facets of American life … but let’s face it, the industry will never touch 90% of them.
Anyway, without further ado …
Downtown Seattle Skyline
Earth-killing Pollution Makes For Nice Sunsets
Airplane with Eagle Harbor, Bainbridge Island, and the Olympic Mountains in the Background
A generation of people who are too selfish to have children … who are admittedly “too selfish” to acquiesce to a biological norm which has been a primary driver of all animal behavior since the beginning of time … cares very, very, very deeply about the ecological health of the planet that your grandchildren will inherit.
That’s right, victims of a widespread narcissism epidemic, who are completely and utterly self-centered in all ways, make an exception to that self-centeredness when it comes to the water levels of the earth long after they are dead and buried.
They care so much, that
Continue reading Ruh Roh There’s Climate Trouble Brewing
Welcome to Seattle, my friend. Welcome to Seattle.
One often feels compelled to document their first Bremelo sighting, for they just don’t think the folks back home will believe them.
Said one local seagull as he passed over a Washington State Ferry.
See, this, is a seahawk:
Handsome bird, no doubt, and probably fairly adept at hunting as well.
This, however, is what is ubiquitous in Seattle, outnumbering humans by about 2:1
This, you see, is a “Seagull” or a “Rollin’ 60’s Crip” if you happen to be a pigeon.
What it is not, is a seahawk. I’ve never seen a seahawk within the city limits of Seattle. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one, period. Thus, our local corporate sports team name is a not an entirely
Continue reading I Got Your “Seahawks” Right Here
“Look out, suburban white woman coming through, if you get hit it’s your own fault. I’m not going to say it again … white woman right of way people! Stoplights are for negroes and poor white trash!”
It’s no great secret that Seattle is a city with a law enforcement problem. I’ve never seen a city whose residents hold such a universally negative opinion of their police force, and I’m including both New York City and Los Angeles in this statement.
I can’t speak to the opinions of citizens in the less-dense areas of Seattle (Crown Hill, Sand
Continue reading The SPD vs. Seattle
I sit here, indoors, while outside, Seattle is being pounded by a Pineapple Express.
In January, Pineapple Expresses are fairly typical in these parts, but outside of Washington, Oregon, and British Columbia, few people have heard the term (with the exception of the movie, of course).
This being the case, allow me to illustrate just what a Pineapple Express is, which I’ve taken the liberty of drawing on top of this morning’s weather map.
Stay dry fellow citizens of New California.
Comet Management: Banned from Their Own Bar
“Oh no!”, I said as I stood across Pike Street from The Comet, “please tell me I don’t see what I think I see. Please tell me they didn’t get one of those cornball ‘we won’t tolerate intolerance’ signs.”
Oh, Comet …. Et tu?
You couldn’t resist?
You had to succumb to hatred and intolerance, simply because it was the path of least resistance?
We live in a time where people are being ostracized, where people are losing their livelihoods, where people are being actively oppressed for expressing sentiment contrary to
Continue reading The Cowardly Comet