I love the SLUT. I love the SLUT so much that I ride it at least once a week, and usually more often. The SLUT is so fun and satisfying, that I have a huge smile on my face each time I get off. I also ride the South Lake Union Trolley on a frequent basis. South Lake Union Park, The Guitar Center, Scoot About, Whole Foods … it goes to a lot of places that I need to go, and at $0.00 for...

Just thought you should know. I’m a 20-something douchebag, I drive a Saab 9000, and I have Oregon Plate CL-75384. So, what makes me an asshole, you ask? Good question! I’ll tell you … You see, today, in order to impress cumdumpster (my pet name for the girl riding shotgun), I made an illegal left turn from southbound 1st Avenue onto Pike Street. “Bad boys turn me...

“Don’t get off the bus ’cause there ain’t nothin’ for you here!” As I pulled into Tacoma at 7 o’clock this morning, those immortal words kept going through my head. I did get off the bus, though … figuratively speaking … and all I have to show for it are these lousy Tacoma photographs. Oh well, you get what you pay for. On my way back home,...

Even though Rick Santorum and 98% of Texans claims that it’s un-American to do so, in my opinion, when a man is wrong, he should apologize. With that in mind, I would like to take this opportunity to formally and publicly apologize to the people of Las Vegas. You see, once upon a time, I bestowed the title of “Worst Drivers in America” upon the people of that city, and...

During the course of any given day, I encounter between 5 and 10 wrong-way drivers. While all cities have such drivers from time to time, their sheer volume is something that is quite unique to Seattle. If I personally encounter five to ten per day, imagine how many of these drivers truly exist. Moments ago, I stumbled upon an accident scene in LQA. I didn’t witness the accident, but...

Just before a vote on the downtown tunnel was taken, I informed everyone that the tunnel was a terrible idea. I informed everyone that, instead of alleviating downtown traffic, the tunnel would result in far worse traffic. Mere days after I laid out my arguments, however, the multi-billion dollar tunnel was approved by a voter margin of 60% to 40%. Why? I’ll tell you … the tunnel...

Today, tolling began on the 520 Bridge. As a person who crosses the bridge 5, maybe 10 times per week, you might think that I dutifully purchased a ‘Good to Go’ pass yesterday, the day before, or even months ago. Were you to think this, you would be wrong. “But why, Rex? Do you not realize that a Good to Go pass saves you one dollar and fifty cents every time you cross the bridge? Do you...

The weight of the average American is now 185lbs, which means that I now weigh nearly ten pounds less than the majority of you. Here’s the thing, though … I’m six three. I am in the top 4 percentile in height, yet, somehow, someway, I am in the bottom 50% in weight. That, my friends, is bizarre. It’s not like I don’t eat, either. Yesterday, for lunch, I got two...

“License bicyclists!”, they scream on local news sites in a desperate attempt to divert attention from the real problem. The problem which is: The slaughter of our people at the hands of automobile drivers. Last week, a Kirkland bicyclist was killed at the hands of an intoxicated driver. Read the comment section of that article for absolute proof that most people should not have a...

Today, The Viaduct opened early like we all suspected it would. Said a friend of mine that has lived in North Seattle for 43 years … “These construction schedules are nothing more than PR bullshit. They always bid them long so they can finish up early and bask in the accolades of a grateful public.” In any event, shortly after the road re-opened, I drove over to see what had...

Let it never be said that the individual car driver in Seattle does not duly kick his/her own ass on a daily basis. They oppose bicyclists. They oppose mass transit. They oppose most anything that does not involve getting in a car and driving from Point A to Point B. Then, when construction of any kind is initiated to repair the infrastructure that they have destroyed … they sit. And sit. ...

Well, we all knew it was coming. Starting this afternoon, the Viaduct is closing for about a week, and this development is going to royally fuck me sideways with a yardstick. I’ve been at my temp/part-time/however-long-I-feel-like-doing-it job for two weeks now, and I take the Viaduct at least 4 times each day. As a matter of fact, it’s my preferred route to and from the airport...

It’s been a rough summer for bicyclists. We’ve had three high-profile deaths over the last few months, and a few which have received a lessor amount of coverage. In each of these cases, newspaper and TV comment sections have lit up with people blaming the bicyclists for their own deaths. “We’re not getting the real story, I’m sure it was the bicyclist’s fault”, some people...

You know, being a Seattle taxpayer can feel a lot like being a crack whore. You get fucked, fucked, and fucked again, and when you are laying there, orifice bleeding — your pimp slaps you across the face because you didn’t get fucked enough. Hell, I would go so far as to say that being a Seattle taxpayer is worse than being a crack whore, because we don’t even get any goddamn...

On Thursday, a man was hit and killed by an SUV as he was riding his bicycle through South Lake Union. That man’s name was Michael Wang, and he was hit by an SUV which did not bot her to stop. As a matter of fact, the driver has yet to be found. All we currently know is that the murderer was driving a brown SUV with tinted windows. On Friday, I wrote a post titled “Die Fucking Asshole Car...

Today, I handed nearly $75 over to the State of Washington. Why? I’m not entirely sure. I certainly didn’t get anything in return for it. You see, I have a 200lb scooter, which weighs less than most American people. A scooter that cannot ride on the freeway, cannot ride on bike paths, cannot trip stop lights (I have no choice but to run reds frequently), cannot safely display parking...

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I dialed 911 from my cellphone. I was riding through SoDo, behind a red Jeep, when I noticed a stop light ahead. I applied my brakes, but the Jeep did not. As I rolled to a stop, the Jeep smashed into a white van in front of us, totalling the Jeep and sending shards of debris flying. I ran up to both drivers, made sure they were both conscious and moving...

It’s paid parking at full automobile rates, but at least drivers won’t knock your bike over simply because you had the audacity to park legally. “Hey, move that thing! My car goes there!” It hasn’t been painted yet, but it looks like a cycle space is coming to Pike & Bellevue in the very near future. These are the only things in which I will pay to park...

After chasing gay men around on Sunday, and chasing gay men around yesterday, today I decided to do something completely and unambiguously heterosexual. I rode two ferries. Just try to misconstrue that. I rode one ferry for half an hour until my face was dripping wet with moisture, and just when I thought I couldn’t take any more, I jumped back on and did it again until I was fully...

Yesterday, I headed down to Pioneer Square to have lunch with a buddy of mine. I approached a parking meter under the Viaduct, ordered up a $4 hour of parking, and was charged $4.88. A 22% markup. Apparently, this was a private meter, and the owner unbundled all of the taxes and tacked it onto the end. Nice. I’ve heard it said that costs decrease when private industry controls public...

Finally, a resolution we can all believe in. SDOT steps up and does the right thing here: In Seattle a number of on-street parking pay stations recently experienced some technical problems. A cellular tower operated for our pay station provider, Parkeon, had signal strength trouble that intermittently prevented the stations from processing credit card transactions. The tower typically broadcasts...

Another Friday, another pizza craving. This evening, I went back to the scene of last week’s meter debacle and I found the nearest pay station blinking red and still unable to dispense receipts. As I was standing in front of it, a woman walked up and said “Oh no, not this one too? The other meter wouldn’t take my card!” Instead of running up and down Broadway, this time...

After breaking the parking meter story last week and learning that the city’s solution is “leave a note on your dashboard”, I’ve taken their advice to heart. I’ve crafted a sign and affixed a piece of tape at the top to use in the event of a pay station failure. Then again, since the station ripped me off last time by not dispensing a receipt, I may use it even if...

For the heads-up:  http://www.king5.com/news/cities/seattle/Seattle-parking-meters-unable-to-accept-credit-card-payments-123404733.html Aww, gee guys, don’t mention it. That’s just how I roll. I’m kind of like Phoenix Jones without the suit.  Or the goatee.  Or the ability to quell street violence by standing menacingly close to ne’ers-do-well. Okay, I’m...

Yesterday, shortly after 5pm, I decided to get a couple of slices from Pagliacci Pizza. At first, I couldn’t decide between the Lower Queen Anne location or the Capitol Hill location, but when I realized that it was the middle of rush hour, I decided to avoid Mercer like the plague and head up The Hill. When I got up to Broadway, I parked my scooter, and walked toward the ticket machine, which...