Every day, twice a day.
1/10th of my waking life.
That’s how often, and how much time, respectively, I spend on this aging thing.
Well, either this, or its brother The Tacoma.
Back in 2012, I wrote an article about the absolute atrociousness of the average Seattle tourist driver.
In case you missed it, here it is:
Two years have passed since that post, and as hard as it is to believe, the drivers in this town have actually gotten worse.
Much, much worse.
The only reason I haven’t revisited the subject in the past couple of years, is because there simply are no words to describe the dearth of driving skill and the immense sucktitude of the average Seattle podunk tourist-turned-wannabe-urban-driver.
I’ve often thought of updating my
Continue reading Still The Worst Drivers in America
Badass. Just … badass.
“Promise me something”, I remind my daughter nearly every week, “when you become Mayor of this town 20 years from now, you’ll install an escalator on Pike Street, and name it after me … the Rex is a Lazy Ass Memorial Escalator … or something to that effect.”
She always agrees, but between you and me, I think she’s just humoring me.
Fortunately, the point may be moot.
Matthew Roewe, of Via Architecture, said the demolition of the viaduct will take out about 1,200 waterfront parking spaces. But the Convention Center has 1,200 parking
Continue reading The University Street Gondola?
“Gimme, gimme, me, me, it’s mine all mine!”
If the State of Washington had a moto, that’s what it would be.
I don’t think that any sane person would disagree that Seattleites set an unparalleled standard for self-centricity. A standard of self-centricity which is shocking. I don’t mean that lightly. The self-centered nature of the typical Seattleite shocks the conscious. I, on many occasions, stand and marvel, mouth agape, stunned by the complete and utter self-absorption that I see on a daily basis. In my mind, that the average person on the streets of Seattle feels that they are
Continue reading I Hate You
Clouds lift, flowers bloom, Rainier peeks out from behind the clouds, and almost as if on queue, Washington State Ferries begin to fill up with the seasonal bane of everyone’s existence … tourists.
“Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!”, shouted the toddler, mere inches from my face.
“She just learned how to say ‘hello’”, gushed the mom from Bumbletwat.
Fuck my life.
You see, when the crowd from Bumbletwat is on vacation, as far as they are concerned, everyone else is on vacation too.
Might I be exhausted and irritable, having been up since 6am, and working an entire
Continue reading Homoerotic Donkey Porn
For many years, I made a living as a bicycle messenger.
It was a tough job, but in those days, the days before email became ubiquitous, it was one of the few jobs which afforded young proletariat adults a quasi-legal way to make a better-than-minimum wage.
Winter was especially harsh, but due to a reduced number of messengers on the streets that time of year, it was also the most lucrative. Personally, I never missed a day of riding due to weather. Not one, single, solitary day.
I rode in rain, snow, wind, I rode in blizzards, thunderstorms, and
Continue reading The Loneliest Number
Today is the end of an era.
The 40 year-old Downtown Seattle Ride-Free Zone is no moe.
I can hear it now: “Yay! It’s about time those free-loadin’ nigras, homeless people, and all around losers start payin’ ther fayer shayer! I ain’t no socialist! With the exception of public schools, public roads, public police, public fire protection, public jails, public libraries, public stadiums, public wars on some drugs, public military, public agencies that I agree with, medicare, and social security, I AIN’T NO DADGUM SOCIALIST!!!”
As astute as this position is, and trust me, it is — these folks
Continue reading R.I.P. Downtown Seattle Ride-Free Zone
The First Hill Streetcar is coming right along.
Which begs the question, with all the buses that run along Broadway … why a streetcar?
Well, the other week, I flipped through a book called “Stuff White People Like”, and I finally found the answer.
147 Public Transportation That Is Not a Bus
147 Public Transportation That Is Not a Bus
“… White people all support the idea of public transportation and will be happy to tell you about how subways and streetcars/trams have helped to energize cities like Chicago and Portland. They will tell you all about
Continue reading Tracks
I just got off the ferry, and this morning’s ride was slightly less than typical.
As we were nearing the middle of the Puget Sound, a voice came over the speakers:
“Would the captain of the Tacoma please come to the bridge …”
Not the biggest deal in the world, as I’ve heard this request at least a couple of times before.
About 3 minutes later, however, another voice came over the speakers, and this one said:
“Would the crew of the Tacoma please prepare for abandon ship!”
My fellow passengers and I looked at each other.
Continue reading “Prepare For Abandon Ship”
Tracks for the First Hill Streetcar have finally made their way to Broadway.
It’s both an ugly thing, and a beautiful thing.
Continue reading Let There Be Rails
On this spot, last week, another cyclist was killed by an automobile driver.
His name was Nap Cantwell.
I actually heard this collision take place, and I’ve been just sick about it ever since. It is why I purposely waited at least one week to mention it. Had I written about it the next day, I probably would have … well, let’s just say that I may have been less than kind to the loser piece of shit drivers that infest my neighborhood on a daily basis.
Last week’s death-by-motor-vehicle
Continue reading Cyclist Memorial at Pike & Boren
I once entertained the thought of moving to Bremerton. It was a fleeting thought, but a thought nonetheless.
The reason the notion crossed my mind wasn’t so much my love for Bremerton, but rather, the idea of commuting by boat. I figured that if I lived in Bremerton, I would have to take the ferry almost every day, and that thought appealed to me.
Think about it … as millions of Western Washington commuters piled into automobiles to sit on Interstate 5, I would kick back, relax, and wave to the sea lions as I made my way from one
Continue reading I’m on a Boat
Most people call it the “Capitol Hill Light Rail Station”, some call it “The Capitol Hill Link Station”, but I’m not a fan of either of those terms.
I mean, is there a Capitol Hill heavy rail station that I am not aware of?
What is a “Link” anyway?
In my opinion, “Subway” is a universally-recognized, completely accurate term.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, pictured above is the current progress of the new Capitol Hill subway station.
T-4 years and counting …
Continue reading New Photo: The Capitol Hill Subway Station
I love the SLUT. I love the SLUT so much that I ride it at least once a week, and usually more often. The SLUT is so fun and satisfying, that I have a huge smile on my face each time I get off.
I also ride the South Lake Union Trolley on a frequent basis. South Lake Union Park, The Guitar Center, Scoot About, Whole Foods … it goes to a lot of places that I need to go, and at $0.00 for Orca cardholders, the price is more than right.
As a huge mass transit buff (perhaps “fanatic”
Continue reading The First Hill Streetcar Breaks Ground
Just thought you should know.
I’m a 20-something douchebag, I drive a Saab 9000, and I have Oregon Plate CL-75384.
So, what makes me an asshole, you ask?
Good question! I’ll tell you …
You see, today, in order to impress cumdumpster (my pet name for the girl riding shotgun), I made an illegal left turn from southbound 1st Avenue onto Pike Street.
“Bad boys turn me on!”, Cummy D had screamed just seconds before, so to make sure the turn was extra-illegal, I made the illegal left turn against an illegal red light. Not only was the
Continue reading Hi! I’m an Asshole!
“Don’t get off the bus ’cause there ain’t nothin’ for you here!”
As I pulled into Tacoma at 7 o’clock this morning, those immortal words kept going through my head.
I did get off the bus, though … figuratively speaking … and all I have to show for it are these lousy Tacoma photographs.
Oh well, you get what you pay for.
Continue reading Validation
Even though Rick Santorum and 98% of Texans claims that it’s un-American to do so, in my opinion, when a man is wrong, he should apologize.
With that in mind, I would like to take this opportunity to formally and publicly apologize to the people of Las Vegas.
You see, once upon a time, I bestowed the title of “Worst Drivers in America” upon the people of that city, and I’m here to tell you that I was wrrrrrrrrrr. I was wrrrrrrrrrr. I … express regret that my words may have been less than accurate.
Over the past few months,
Continue reading The Worst Drivers in America. A Dissertation.
During the course of any given day, I encounter between 5 and 10 wrong-way drivers. While all cities have such drivers from time to time, their sheer volume is something that is quite unique to Seattle. If I personally encounter five to ten per day, imagine how many of these drivers truly exist.
Moments ago, I stumbled upon an accident scene in LQA.
I didn’t witness the accident, but from what I could see from the aftermath, it appeared that a woman was driving the wrong way down 1st Avenue N at a pretty
Continue reading Worst Drivers in America
Just before a vote on the downtown tunnel was taken, I informed everyone that the tunnel was a terrible idea. I informed everyone that, instead of alleviating downtown traffic, the tunnel would result in far worse traffic.
Mere days after I laid out my arguments, however, the multi-billion dollar tunnel was approved by a voter margin of 60% to 40%.
I’ll tell you … the tunnel referendum was a prime example of my democratic theory. It was proof that democracy does not, and cannot work, because the very premise of democracy is fatally flawed.
Democracy gives equal weight
Continue reading Seattle Rex and Mike McGinn Told You So!
Today, tolling began on the 520 Bridge.
As a person who crosses the bridge 5, maybe 10 times per week, you might think that I dutifully purchased a ‘Good to Go’ pass yesterday, the day before, or even months ago.
Were you to think this, you would be wrong.
“But why, Rex? Do you not realize that a Good to Go pass saves you one dollar and fifty cents every time you cross the bridge? Do you not trust Bill Nye?”
Of course I trust Bill Nye. We all trust Bill Nye. Still, after a great deal
Continue reading Playing the Odds on the 520 Bridge
The weight of the average American is now 185lbs, which means that I now weigh nearly ten pounds less than the majority of you.
Here’s the thing, though … I’m six three.
I am in the top 4 percentile in height, yet, somehow, someway, I am in the bottom 50% in weight.
That, my friends, is bizarre.
It’s not like I don’t eat, either. Yesterday, for lunch, I got two slices of Pagliacci Pizza followed by a Dick’s chocolate milkshake. When I got home, I ate rice and vegetables and a bowl of granola
Continue reading Fatsoes On The Ferry
“License bicyclists!”, they scream on local news sites in a desperate attempt to divert attention from the real problem.
The problem which is: The slaughter of our people at the hands of automobile drivers.
Last week, a Kirkland bicyclist was killed at the hands of an intoxicated driver. Read the comment section of that article for absolute proof that most people should not have a driver’s license.
This murder came on the heels of several other high-profile deaths this past summer, all of which came on the heels of a man getting a $42 fine for killing a bicyclist, ironically,
Continue reading The Carnage Continues
Today, The Viaduct opened early like we all suspected it would.
Said a friend of mine that has lived in North Seattle for 43 years … “These construction schedules are nothing more than PR bullshit. They always bid them long so they can finish up early and bask in the accolades of a grateful public.”
In any event, shortly after the road re-opened, I drove over to see what had changed. What I found was a lower speed limit, an S-curve, and what feels like a pretty narrow stretch of road sandwiched between two concrete walls.
Continue reading The Return of the Viaduct
Let it never be said that the individual car driver in Seattle does not duly kick his/her own ass on a daily basis.
They oppose bicyclists.
They oppose mass transit.
They oppose most anything that does not involve getting in a car and driving from Point A to Point B.
Then, when construction of any kind is initiated to repair the infrastructure that they have destroyed … they sit. And sit. And sit.
If you think about it, it’s poetic justice. It’s a perfect case of people getting exactly what they deserve. Folks that wholeheartedly support
Continue reading Self-Flagellation
Well, we all knew it was coming.
Starting this afternoon, the Viaduct is closing for about a week, and this development is going to royally fuck me sideways with a yardstick.
I’ve been at my temp/part-time/however-long-I-feel-like-doing-it job for two weeks now, and I take the Viaduct at least 4 times each day. As a matter of fact, it’s my preferred route to and from the airport since it’s completely bereft of eastside drivers. I’m 100% completely serious. If there is anything I have learned in the past fifteen days, it’s that native Seattleite drivers really aren’t
Continue reading Viaductmegaddonpaloozastockdoomfest
It’s been a rough summer for bicyclists.
We’ve had three high-profile deaths over the last few months, and a few which have received a lessor amount of coverage. In each of these cases, newspaper and TV comment sections have lit up with people blaming the bicyclists for their own deaths.
“We’re not getting the real story, I’m sure it was the bicyclist’s fault”, some people say.
“That’s what he gets, roads are for cars, not toys”, others will follow.
“Had he ridden more defensively, he would still be alive”, opine other.
Continue reading Blaming The Victim
You know, being a Seattle taxpayer can feel a lot like being a crack whore.
You get fucked, fucked, and fucked again, and when you are laying there, orifice bleeding — your pimp slaps you across the face because you didn’t get fucked enough. Hell, I would go so far as to say that being a Seattle taxpayer is worse than being a crack whore, because we don’t even get any goddamn crack.
What has my panties in a wad today?
I’ll tell you …
Yesterday, King County Executive Dow Constantine managed to push through the
Continue reading No More Free Ride
On Thursday, a man was hit and killed by an SUV as he was riding his bicycle through South Lake Union. That man’s name was Michael Wang, and he was hit by an SUV which did not bot her to stop. As a matter of fact, the driver has yet to be found. All we currently know is that the murderer was driving a brown SUV with tinted windows.
On Friday, I wrote a post titled “Die Fucking Asshole Car Drivers”. Later, I changed it to “Die Fucking Assholes”, then later simply
Continue reading A Justifiable War
Today, I handed nearly $75 over to the State of Washington.
I’m not entirely sure. I certainly didn’t get anything in return for it.
You see, I have a 200lb scooter, which weighs less than most American people. A scooter that cannot ride on the freeway, cannot ride on bike paths, cannot trip stop lights (I have no choice but to run reds frequently), cannot safely display parking receipts, and which pays a 600% premium for parking. A scooter which has a negligible impact on infrastructure, thins traffic, and helps the environment and fuel
Continue reading Land of the Fee
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I dialed 911 from my cellphone.
I was riding through SoDo, behind a red Jeep, when I noticed a stop light ahead. I applied my brakes, but the Jeep did not. As I rolled to a stop, the Jeep smashed into a white van in front of us, totalling the Jeep and sending shards of debris flying.
I ran up to both drivers, made sure they were both conscious and moving (they were), and then called 911.
Fortunately, the vehicle occupants were fine, but unfortunately, they will live to crash another day. Had the
Continue reading Dispelling Another Pro-Tunnel Myth
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