Back in the day, I played basketball, and in those days, I said this line at least 1,000 times … especially when an insult was cast in my direction.
Today, I stumbled upon what I consider to be my favorite commercial of all time. No, really, Taylor, imma let you finish, but this is the greatest commercial of all time! Of all time!
It’s a commercial which could be applied to so many facets of American life … but let’s face it, the industry will never touch 90% of them.
Anyway, without further ado …
Westlake Center is to Seattle what Rockefeller Center is to New York City, and as you might imagine, the Westlake Tree is our version of the Rock Center Tree.
Of course, ours is far nicer, given that it’s located in Seattle. Say what you will, but I can’t imagine a few extra feet of tree compensating for the fact that you’re not in the nation’s greatest city. In fact, the only thing I would say that NYC has over Seattle, is that it has fewer New Yorkers. Ever since Hipster Number One discovered Brooklyn, natives have been leaving
Continue reading The 2014 Westlake Center Christmas Tree
Child Bullying, minority displacing, priapism curing, emotionally-stunted, psychopathic, pathetic cowards on the lookout for grown-ups or anyone who might be able to fight back.
You know, I’ve taken on the local protest groups quite a bit in the pages of my blog, but I’ve always done so as a protestor myself, and there’s always been at least some element of tongue-in-cheek expression in my opposition. Despite my criticism of their sincerity, I’ve always maintained some level of hope that I was wrong about them, and I’ve always felt a tiny bit of, even if it is not always palpable,
Continue reading A Cowardly Christmas Spawns a Wake-up Call
Oh, and they also simplify business banking.
I ran across this poster on 5th Avenue last week, and it really piqued my curiosity.
See, I don’t know why one would want to run through Gas Works Park, kicking the shit out of Canadian Geese.
Hold on …
Wait a minute …
Wait just a minute …
Yes I do …
Yes I do know why one would would want to do such a thing …
Remember this from a couple of years back?
It’s settled, then.
I’m opening an account at Sound Community
Continue reading Sound Community Bank Helps You Kick the Shit Out of Geese
I thought this video was appropriate for the occasion.
God Bless Us Everyone.
Portland. A place so pretentious, that people come to Seattle for authenticity.
Portland used to be cool. Then, as the wage gap widened over the past decade, the offspring of the wealthy moved in, kicked the cool out, and before you knew it, the town was flooded with vinegar and water.
Now, you can’t walk down a Portland street without being beaten over the head by manufactured quirkiness.
“Look everyone, that guy is riding a unicycle, isn’t he quirky?”
“Look everyone, that girl has a donut-sized ear piercing, isn’t she quirky?”
Call me crazy, but Portland was way more quirky
Continue reading That Quirky Portland
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck did I just see?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that supposed to be?
What the fuck was that?
It was like, a 3-headed gila monster or something.
It was like some three-headed creature from the depths of hell. It had three heads, and they were all weird. Like, bad-acid-at-work weird. Like getting a random erection while watching Pokemon weird. Like, stoned and suddenly having to poop, but
Continue reading Dear Sweet Leaping Mother of Jesus the Jew
(oh, uh, that was me dropping my keyboard intentionally after winning the Internet)
While sorting through my photos this evening, I was reminded of a couple of guys who stole the show last weekend at the Bite of Seattle.
During one band’s set, two guys from the audience had proceeded to, uh, dance.
While they were obviously being goofy, they actually had talent. For instance, the guy in the white did a dive, transitioned into a breakdance two-step, then did a few baby swipes before getting back up and spazzing out. The guy in blue, well, the guy in blue reminded me of who Flava Flav would be were he white.
Continue reading Dancin’ Fools
World’s Worst Photo of Anything Ever
Buzz Osborne. King Buzzo. Guy with the greatest hair in … well, the greatest hair anywhere.
As a prototypical member of what became known as “Generation X”, I hold a certain reverence for Buzz. When the music of my generation was being molded, Buzz was there, spinning the pottery wheel, yelling “Loosen the top string! Yeah, the fat one on top! Alright, now slow it down a little!”
Oh sure, it had been done before, but when Buzz began experimenting with drop-D noise, it just sounded better. It made me want to try
Continue reading Buzz Osborne … Unplugged?
I still remember the first day of my first photojournalist gig. It was almost my last. I showed up with a gigantic flash mounted atop a cheap Pentax K-1000 camera, and once the other photographers began snickering at me, I wanted more than anything to just subtly sneak out, never to show my face or my crappy gear ever again. It was in my top 10 most embarrassing moments. It was then that I realized that photography was not an acceptable hobby for poor white trash. Ditto for journalism of any kind.
As bad as it was, however, this day
Continue reading Fly With Me, Lesbian Seagull
Once, during a basketball game, I got out in front on a fast break, went up for an uncontested dunk, threw it down unnecessarily hard because I wanted to be a gangsta, shattered the backboard, and brought the rim down on the back of my head, requiring many stitches and a monthlong bandage around my cranium.
Once, like a dumbass, I went surfing in a hurricane, got slammed into a rock jetty, and presented to the emergency room with over 100 lacerations.
Once, while trying to make a rush delivery as a bicycle messenger, I blew through a red light
Continue reading Today’s Guilty Pleasure
Seahawks Parade – Fans in Westlake Park
When it’s an unprecedented event, and only a few blocks from your home … you kind of have to go.
After waiting roughly an hour, however, I forwent waving to the players as they passed by on 4th Avenue. Instead, I contented myself to celebrate my unbridled joy with what has been reported to be between 200,000-500,000 people.
I suppose it was entertaining on some level, although I’m still not sure I’ll ever fully agree with these kinds of priorities.
As it turns out, all absences from Seattle Public Schools will be
Continue reading The Seattle Seahawks Superbowl Celebration
When I lived in Olympia, one of my neighbors got a Seahawks sweatshirt from the Olympia Free Store. After wearing it only a few times, however, he promptly threw it away.
“If you don’t want it, why don’t you donate it back to the free store?”, I asked him.
“Because I wouldn’t want someone else to go through what I went through”, he replied.
I was perplexed by this response.
He went on to explain that he had only bought the shirt because it was nice and warm, but whenever he wore it, he found himself on the receiving
Continue reading The Seahawks Won! The 12th Man Didn’t.
This is what the Space Needle looked like last night at 11:34pm:
This is what it looked like at 11:48pm:
And here, 3 minutes before the fireworks show began, is what the Space Needle looked like:
And that, my friends, is how Seattle rings in the New Year.
For even more hilarity, I present to you the fireworks “show”:
Although it wasn’t terribly visible, I rather enjoyed the fireworks this year, if only to hear the tourists bitching and moaning on the way home.
“We spent four thousand dollars for
Continue reading A Very Seattle New Year
A few months ago, I wrote a rant after a particularly trying day, and the replies I got to it were rather rude, if not predictable, and all of them anonymized.
They fell along the following lines of:
“Oh, that never happens”, “Why I haven’t I see it?”, “I ride the ferry all the time and I’ve never seen what you are describing once, not even once!”
That’s the thing about anonymous internet commenters. They’re all full of shit.
Skepticism in general is a good thing, though. Frankly, there should be more of it. Much more of it. I
Continue reading Tantrum on the High Seas
Hilloween 2013 was held this weekend, and as usual, we could not resist attending.
I like Hilloween for a number of reasons, but perhaps my favorite event pastime is watching wayward hipsters show up.
Every year, a handful of ex-suburban dillknockers show up at Cal Anderson Park dressed up in their “sexy” costumes, and every year, I watch as a look of confusion, and then rage comes over their faces.
See, when they read the flyers proclaiming Hilloween to be child-friendly, they naturally assumed that by “child”, the organizers mean people from 21-50 years old. This is
Continue reading Capitol Hilloween 2013
35 year-olds in animal costumes, a premise that is childish, sarcastic, and absurd; plus a catchy hook?
Has Generation Amazing died and gone to heaven? This has got to be from Seattle, right?
No, but two hundred response videos, twelve flash mobs, and three naked bicycle rides in its honor will be.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Oh, American white girls.
Marilyn Monroe, Jaclyn Smith, Farrah Fawcet, Phoebe Cates, the world did spank its monkey to thee.
Eh, probably not as much.
Once American men learned that this was what “real women looked like”, we castrated ourselves, began speaking in kazoo-pitched voices, and adopted “amazing” as our sole adjective. Soon, the great USA was over-run with males who desperately wanted to be gay, and by all outward signs were … but who just couldn’t bring themselves to take it up the pooper. Eventually, this demographic became known as “Apple Customers”, and we’ve been figuratively
Continue reading White Girls
Above from: http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Seattle-team-falls-short-in-world-record-water-balloon-fight–220116031.html
Well, it serves them right … who in the hell has a water balloon fight without inviting kids?
You remember kids, don’t you Seattle? They’re the people who invented the fucking water balloon fight. The people who gave our culture all kinds of cool things, because their parents cut the umbilical cord when they were born, instead of 37 years after the fact.
A couple years ago, after covering the zombie world record attempt in Fremont, someone wrote in and asked me why so many of these childlike events happened in Seattle.
I wasn’t sure back
Continue reading I Guess They Should Have Invited Kids
Mike McCready once ruined a friendship of mine.
This was a shame, because the friend in question was an interesting guy. He wrote a book about his experiences teaching in inner-city LA high schools, worked as a writer/producer on several television shows, and he even won the game show Jeopardy several times in a row. On most Sundays, he and I would grab breakfast at a random eatery while arguing about the news of the day.
Convinced that he was a hardcore cynic, he enjoyed dining with me because as he put it, “you’re the only person I
Continue reading McCready & Friends
Mudhoney at Neumos
Last night, hipsters stood stoically, pointing gently above the stage, careful not to spill their PBR’s, while across town, their fathers were stage-diving and crowd-surfing like twenty-somethings. Such is the state of affairs in 2013 Seattle.
What, exactly, got the Gen Xers so riled up last night?
I’m glad you asked.
You see, Seattle’s favorite sons, Mudhoney, once again took the stage … this time at Neumos … and they spent nearly two hours screaming through one of their best sets I’ve personally witnessed in damn near a decade. It was as if Mark finally
Continue reading Mark Arm Loves People
Soundgarden at The Paramount
“You know that thing about punk rock being freedom?”, I asked rhetorically.
“Yeah”, said the guy who fronted a band that many would call punk.
“Well, it’s a load of shit. Punk rock isn’t freedom. Punk rock is privileged white kids rebelling against daddy’s money.”
He stared into the distance for what seemed like an eternity, finally said, simply, “yeah”, then flicked his cigarette into the distance.
Growing up in Dischord-era D.C. meant adhering to a lot of rules. Rules about dancing, drugs, politics, and especially … especially … about what music you could and
Continue reading Soundgarden at The Paramount
This was the marquee at the Show Box last night:
Here are my tickets, so far, for February’s shows.
What year is it again????
A few months ago, Love Battery’s Ron Nine was interviewed by The Stranger, and in the article, he was asked for his thoughts on the “g” word.
“Speaking for myself, I always kind of rebelled against the word ‘grunge.’ Now I embrace it. It comes to mean that scene at that particular time, and I’m proud to have been a part of it.”, said Ron.
You know, perhaps Ron has a point. Perhaps it’s
Continue reading Grunge Lives
I was up watching SNL this weekend so I could catch The206 afterward.
The206, was good, but 15 minutes of commercials for a 30 minute show, and watching Keister pimping local businesses made me realize just how much the country has changed since Almost Live’s heydey. The in-your-face emphasis on the show making money wasn’t lost on anyone, but you can’t blame the actors. Dallas 5 shareholders are only concerned about the bottom line.
Anyway, the musical guests on SNL this weekend was some hipster band that I almost muted the moment they started playing.
“Oh, look, some
Continue reading fun.
The Space Needle on NYE
You know, sometimes I envy suburban tourists. I truly do.
After all, they don’t have to wait 10 minutes each way for an elevator when they leave their homes; don’t have to smell what 15 people are cooking for dinner … at the same time; don’t have to listen to their neighbor argue with her partner at 2am every morning.
After coming home from work last Friday, I felt like making some noise; so I plugged in my guitar, played the first three bars of ‘Spoonman’, and almost as if on queue … a
Continue reading New Year’s Eve 2013
The Seattle Great Wheel
The Seattle Great Wheel
After an aborted attempt to ride the new Seattle Ferris Wheel (or The Seattle Great Wheel as it’s officially called), in late October, we finally headed down to Pier 57 for another attempt. A slightly more successful attempt.
As the sun was hanging low over Elliott Bay, about 45 minutes before it officially set, we walked up to the ticket booth and considered our options … $13 each to ride in a regular gondola, $50 each to ride in a VIP gondola.
You know, I may be anti-consumerist, but I’m
Continue reading A Ride on The Seattle Great Wheel
When a colleague came into my office yesterday and told me to read the news, that was my reaction, along with disgust, disbelief, anger, sadness, and sympathy.
The intellectual side of my brain realized that I was being a hypocrite. After all, I’d read about the deaths of innocent civilians, including children, at the hands of our troops, on many occasions. Where was my outrage then?
The emotional side didn’t care, however. I was still stunned.
When I got home, I checked in with the news again, and predictably, instead of grief, I saw news reporters being assholes
Continue reading Homeland Insecurity
Westlake Park Area Holiday Lights
Macy’s Star and Westlake Center Christmas Tree
Downtown Seattle is a much more pleasant place in the fall than it is in the summer. Less traffic, less heat, more lights, fewer bopo boys with skateboards and pit bills, fewer homeless people, fewer tourists, fewer homeless tourists … from the perspective of a resident, it’s just better in every way.
Last night, it was even better than usual.
On Friday, roughly between the hours of 5pm and 8:30pm, Pine Street was closed from 4th Street to 7th Street for the 26th Annual “Figgy
Continue reading Figgy Pudding