In case you haven’t heard, speculation has begun to run rampant here in Emerald City about the possibility of the Sonics returning to Seattle, by way of the Sacramento Kings.
Rumor has it that they would play in Key Arena for two seasons before moving into a new arena in SODO.
While this is technically still a rumor, started by a single tweet, it’s all that our local “news” (and I use that term lightly) has been reporting for the last 24 hours, so perhaps it’s more than just a rumor. Who knows.
What I don’t understand, however, is why anyone, and I mean ANYONE in Seattle would support David Stern and his corporate sports empire. I mean, Jesus, folks, have some self-respect, will you.
5 years ago, David dropped his shorts, squatted over the city, relaxed his aged, wrinkled sphincter, and emptied the contents of his bowels.
Why?
Because we weren’t making enough money for him. Why else?
Since that time, since he kicked us to the curb, we’ve been scrambling to woo him back.
“Oh, David, we’re so sorry! Please take us back! Please! We’ll make more money for you! We promise!”
We’re the battered spouses of sports fans. Worse. We’ve reduced ourselves to the entertainment equivalent of crack whores, begging our pimp to once again take us back, so that he can slap us around some more.
And for what?
So we can watch ten 30 year-old men in shorts put a ball through a hoop.
Fuck me, we cannot possibly be this stupid. You know, the movie Idiocracy was supposed to be a comedy, folks, not a goddamn documentary.
Look, I get it on some level. I played basketball in High School and College, and up until 12 or so years ago, I attended a great many NBA games. Capital Center, MCI Center, Madison Square Garden, Key Arena, Staples Center … Ewing, Jordan, Mourning, Kemp, I came, I saw, I enjoyed it all.
That was back before things like the 2001 Western Conference Finals. Before David Stern did to my fair city, what he did 5 years ago. Now, I wouldn’t pay a nickel to see Kobe Bryant blow LeBron James while the cheerleading squad danced around them naked.
Okay, maybe a nickel, but not much more.
Why?
Because I may be many things, many bad things, many unpleasant things … but the one thing I’m not, is a whore.
Yeah, yeah, we’re all whores in one way or another or we couldn’t make a living, but I’m sure as hell not going to pay someone else for the pleasure of being their whore.
Seriously, how low does our collective self-esteem have to be to welcome a rat-bastard motherfucker like David Stern back into town, so that we can resume giving him our money?
And don’t give me that propaganda about it being an economic boom for Seattle, because the issue has been studied, and the financial benefits to the town are grossly overstated, if not non-existent in some cases.
Dallas 5 and the other local news stations have advertising dollars in their eyes, so don’t expect a reality check from those guys. Sports teams are not the windfall for the municipality.
The “civic pride” thing is a joke, too. NBA teams are a revolving cast of characters who have little if any ties to the cities in which they play, and are made up of people who would just as soon go somewhere else if it paid fifty dollars more.
Sure, basketball leagues can be entertaining, but in the end, that’s all they are. Entertainment.
If you’re willing to whore yourself out for 48 minutes of hoops, and run back to the man who just screwed you over … fistful of dollars in hand … then folks, basketball is the very least of your problems.
If you don’t respect yourself, then why should anyone else?
If David Stern fucks you once, it’s your fault.
If he fucks you twice, well, you apparently just enjoy being fucked.
If you go running back to Stern, pants around ankles, bent over and begging …so you will be.
Now lube up, Seattle, cause this is going to hurt a little.
My only hope is that this will entice the NHL to bring us a team.