April 2014
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Eh, Fuck You Comcast

Most days, I go through the day feeling like a floppy asshole that’s been fucked one too many times by the corporate cock. Every once in awhile, though, every now and then, I tense the sphincter of my meager existence and I snap the phallus right in half.

Today was one of those days.

It all started last Thursday when I woke up and turned on the dipshit box.

“Where’s that raving bitch M.J. McDermott?!”, I screamed, “How the fuck am I supposed to know if it’s going to be a ‘dry paws’ day or a ‘damp paws’ day goddammit??!!”

Watching TV angers me. It truly does. But I do it anyway because it makes me feel morally superior to everyone else on the planet, and I have a real hard time getting out of bed without a morning dose of self-righteousness. On this morning, however, it was not to be.

I flipped channels, and flipped, and flipped, and flipped some more.

There was nothing to be found. Well, almost nothing. The lone channel remaining on my TV was the Comcast “help” channel. This channel was very, very creepy. The programming consisted of some smiling white guy who repeatedly explained that Comcast had scrambled all of the basic cable channels, and that if I wanted to watch these channels, I would need to buy some kind of box from Comcast. While looking at the camera, he continued to inform me that this had all been done for my own good. To “make my life more convenient” or something to that effect.

It was corporate Big Brother, telling me that I’d been punished, and that it was done for my own good. I’m not joking when I tell you that a chill ran up my spine.

The entire time he was talking, he had a weird smile that was just kind of off. It looked like the smile of a serial killer who had just raped you in a prison shower, and was calmly explaining to you that so long as you let him do this whenever he wanted, he’d kill and eat the spleen of any inmate that bothered you.

Suffice to say, I did not buy the box from Comcast.

Instead, I spent the 3-day Veteran’s Day weekend sans TV. It wasn’t so bad, really. Before buying a TV in 2011, I had not owned one perviously since the 1990′s. The only time I missed it, was late at night. Unfortunately, I got used to falling asleep with it on, and when it went away, I resorted to reading late at night. Not all reading material is crap, however, and because it was indeed, interesting, I found myself going to sleep later and later.

In order to put an end to the insomnia, and bring back the inane blather of late night television, this evening, I walked down to the “City Target” at 2nd & Pike where I snagged a pair of rabbit ears.

TV Antenna

When I got home, I hooked the hilariously-70′s-looking device to my TV, then hit ‘scan’. When it was done, what to my wondrous eyes did appear, but three times as many channels as I got with basic cable! I’m completely serious! As if that weren’t awesome enough, the channels I got are in HD, and the pictures are of way better quality!

Oh, and did I mention that the channels are FREE! Yes, free, as in … cost nothing except for the brainwashing and dumbing down effect from watching the channels.


And to think. Had Comcast not gotten greedy and tried to pork me in the pooter with their putrid pecker once again, I never would have known!

Comcast, you dumb bastards! I spent three years paying you so that I could watch local channels in shit quality, when all that time, I could have paid nothing for more channels and better quality?! And you could have gotten away with it in perpetuity! But, you didn’t. You cut off my shit quality channels, and replaced them with a smiling serial killer, convincing me to dump my TV package.

You dumb shits! You puckered anal glands of a retarded rhinoceros! You smegma gargling gonad goblins! You feces flinging vulvas of a syphilis infected sasquatch! You, you, individuals of less than pleasant attributes!

You couldn’t leave well enough alone. You couldn’t take your money and be happy. You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You were bursting, just frothing at the mouth for a few more dollars.

Well, guess what? Now, now, I don’t pay you for any TV channels, you digesters of dangling diseased dicks! You unchaste daughters of a sexually promiscuous possum! You anal fissures of an angry iguana! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH, suck on muh bizzy bizzy ball sizzzzack, natch!

Hey Comcast, you see this? You see this? Yeah, this right here? Wanna know what this is? This is me grabbing you by the hair and sticking your nose straight up my rancid brown butthole and letting loose with the most pungent, Taco Bell-fueled, ozone destroying, noxious flatulence the atmosphere has ever had the displeasure of trying to dissipate. That’s right, and you’re taking every last disgusting molecule straight into your maxillary sinus, through your optic chasm, and into the amoeba sized pile of cow shit you call a brain!

Oh, and hey Comcast, you dropped something you steaming pile of colon gravy!

Oh yeah, that’s yours, I snapped that bitch right in two.

Fuck you.

5 comments to Eh, Fuck You Comcast

  • matguy


    Why don’t you tell us how you really feel.

    Seriously, though, I agree.

    See, I moved recently. Idiot me, I moved out of the new Gigabit Seattle coverage area. Tried to cope with DSL for a while, but the 800k upload just does not work for trying to remote back in to home to do stuff. C-link couldn’t be bothered to have anything better available in my area.

    So, I look at Comcast. I hadn’t had cable since the move and had mostly gotten used to not having TV, but having some local channels seemed like a neat idea and the package that was offered effectively gave me some TV for free (for a year.) I go to order it and run in to a problem. See, I have a TiVo, it’s one of the HD ones, takes a CableCard. There isn’t a way to order a cable card on their site.

    So I call. I tell her which package I was looking at and that I couldn’t order it online because there wasn’t a CableCard option. She says “CableCard? Oh, we don’t do that.” Great, so I explain the FCC regulations and she puts me on hold. 5 minutes later: “Oh, yes, we do provide CableCards.”

    “Ok, I already have a cable modem, I do not need to rent one.” “Oh, it’s probably not compatible with your new service…” “It’s a Docsis 3 cable modem that was being used with Comcast 6 months ago” give her brand and model, she puts me on hold again. 5 minutes later: “Yeah, that’ll work.”

    “We’ll set you up to have a technician come out…” “Can I do a self-install kit?” “Please hold.” 10 minutes later: “Since your home hasn’t had service for the last year we’re required to send a technician to ensure that you’ll get the best experience possible.” “I’ve done this before, I can’t just hook it up and then schedule a tech if it doesn’t work?” “Nooope.” (with attitude)

    Few days later, but well before the technician is scheduled, I hook up the cable modem, works great. I hook up the TiVo, I get static on all channels except 5, which has a handy-dandy Comcast message, similar to the one you saw. Which means I’m getting signal, but I need the cable card.

    I call in again, they won’t cancel the technician nor will they let me pick up the cable card myself.

    Technician shows up (right on time, I’ll give them that), puts the card in, calls in the registration numbers, it works. Doesn’t even touch the cable modem after hearing that it works fine. 10 minutes and he’s out the door saying it’s his easiest appointment he’s had for a long time and they had scheduled 2 hours for it.

    I really think the original lady was pissed that I called her out on the FCC requirements and felt like she needed to show me who’s boss.

    • Chuckreis

      The problem is that there is no longer a requirement by the FCC to carry unscrambled channels and that cable card you are using will only be free for the next 2 years, after that you will be charged. The cable cards and boxes are also not required to offer HD channels.

      This will all get interesting if/when the Media Companies get their wish to turn off transmitters and rely on IP and Cable based transmissions only.

      Boxee and a few others will be able to decrypt the signals but you can bet that will not always be the case.

  • Jason A

    Cut the cable cord 15 years ago. I have 37 HD English channels for free (about a dozen more in Spanish, Polish and Korean), and while there are only a few hours of decent shows per week, it’s about the same quantity offered by our local cable monopoly (also Comcast in my area).

    Cable’s in for a rough go over the next 10-20 years as people continue to shift to watching shows, films and sports online (free, netflix), cutting the cord and saying good-bye to creepy Comcast serial killer guy.

  • Fuck Comcast

    If it’s cool I’d like to re-post your story on

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