Most days, I go through the day feeling like a floppy asshole that’s been fucked one too many times by the corporate cock. Every once in awhile, though, every now and then, I tense the sphincter of my meager existence and I snap the phallus right in half.
Today was one of those days.
It all started last Thursday when I woke up and turned on the dipshit box.
“Where’s that raving bitch M.J. McDermott?!”, I screamed, “How the fuck am I supposed to know if it’s going to be a ‘dry paws’ day or a ‘damp paws’ day goddammit??!!”
Watching TV angers me. It truly does. But I do it anyway because it makes me feel morally superior to everyone else on the planet, and I have a real hard time getting out of bed without a morning dose of self-righteousness. On this morning, however, it was not to be.
I flipped channels, and flipped, and flipped, and flipped some more.
There was nothing to be found. Well, almost nothing. The lone channel remaining on my TV was the Comcast “help” channel. This channel was very, very creepy. The programming consisted of some smiling white guy who repeatedly explained that Comcast had scrambled all of the basic cable channels, and that if I wanted to watch these channels, I would need to buy some kind of box from Comcast. While looking at the camera, he continued to inform me that this had all been done for my own good. To “make my life more convenient” or something to that effect.
It was corporate Big Brother, telling me that I’d been punished, and that it was done for my own good. I’m not joking when I tell you that a chill ran up my spine.
The entire time he was talking, he had a weird smile that was just kind of off. It looked like the smile of a serial killer who had just raped you in a prison shower, and was calmly explaining to you that so long as you let him do this whenever he wanted, he’d kill and eat the spleen of any inmate that bothered you.
Suffice to say, I did not buy the box from Comcast.
Instead, I spent the 3-day Veteran’s Day weekend sans TV. It wasn’t so bad, really. Before buying a TV in 2011, I had not owned one perviously since the 1990′s. The only time I missed it, was late at night. Unfortunately, I got used to falling asleep with it on, and when it went away, I resorted to reading late at night. Not all reading material is crap, however, and because it was indeed, interesting, I found myself going to sleep later and later.
In order to put an end to the insomnia, and bring back the inane blather of late night television, this evening, I walked down to the “City Target” at 2nd & Pike where I snagged a pair of rabbit ears.
When I got home, I hooked the hilariously-70′s-looking device to my TV, then hit ‘scan’. When it was done, what to my wondrous eyes did appear, but three times as many channels as I got with basic cable! I’m completely serious! As if that weren’t awesome enough, the channels I got are in HD, and the pictures are of way better quality!
Oh, and did I mention that the channels are FREE! Yes, free, as in … cost nothing except for the brainwashing and dumbing down effect from watching the channels.
And to think. Had Comcast not gotten greedy and tried to pork me in the pooter with their putrid pecker once again, I never would have known!
Comcast, you dumb bastards! I spent three years paying you so that I could watch local channels in shit quality, when all that time, I could have paid nothing for more channels and better quality?! And you could have gotten away with it in perpetuity! But, you didn’t. You cut off my shit quality channels, and replaced them with a smiling serial killer, convincing me to dump my TV package.
You dumb shits! You puckered anal glands of a retarded rhinoceros! You smegma gargling gonad goblins! You feces flinging vulvas of a syphilis infected sasquatch! You, you, individuals of less than pleasant attributes!
You couldn’t leave well enough alone. You couldn’t take your money and be happy. You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You were bursting, just frothing at the mouth for a few more dollars.
Well, guess what? Now, now, I don’t pay you for any TV channels, you digesters of dangling diseased dicks! You unchaste daughters of a sexually promiscuous possum! You anal fissures of an angry iguana! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH, suck on muh bizzy bizzy ball sizzzzack, natch!
Hey Comcast, you see this? You see this? Yeah, this right here? Wanna know what this is? This is me grabbing you by the hair and sticking your nose straight up my rancid brown butthole and letting loose with the most pungent, Taco Bell-fueled, ozone destroying, noxious flatulence the atmosphere has ever had the displeasure of trying to dissipate. That’s right, and you’re taking every last disgusting molecule straight into your maxillary sinus, through your optic chasm, and into the amoeba sized pile of cow shit you call a brain!
Oh, and hey Comcast, you dropped something you steaming pile of colon gravy!
Oh yeah, that’s yours, I snapped that bitch right in two.