As it turns out, not all beings in Seattle are ©”Too Selfish to Have Kids”.
Perhaps the majority of humans are, but as this seagull couple show, some of us are still okay with putting the mackdown smackdown on a fly hoo-haa and watching as the expulsion of our gonadonal love lava furthers the survival of our species.
That being said, while I used to somewhat worry about the large decrease in offspring by the supposed intellectually elite, no longer is this the case.
Last month, we threw a birthday part for my daughter, and roughly 30 kids attended, all from the Capitol Hill area. Of those 30 kids, I think there were maybe 2 who didn’t have some kind of behavioral issue, or weren’t deathly allergic to some common everyday food ingredient.
It was on this day that I realized, at least to some extent, that the majority of parents in my area are … how should I put this … I think the phrase is “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”.
Out of these 30 kids, Darwin groaned as nearly 20 of them were allergic to nearly every ingredient in the food, while probably 10 of them had been diagnosed with “autism”, although the symptoms of this “autism” were quite unusual.
For instance, one “autistic” child outwardly seemed completely normal, however, she could not tolerate loud noises for more than a few minutes. When things got a little too noisy, she would get upset and have to leave the room. The weird thing is, my kid had gone to her birthday party the previous year, and she was perfectly fine with tons of loud noise, so long as she was the focal point of it.
Another child reacted extremely violently anytime his parent tried to, for instance, take something from his possession, or made him do something he didn’t want to do. Still another “didn’t like to be touched”.
As the party progressed, I began to realize that at least some of these “disorders”, were not what they appeared to be. In particular, I realized that I was witnessing tantrums being mis-labelled as disorders.
You see, I’ve recently learned that parents simply cannot accept that they are shitty parents, so when their kids act like magnanimous fuckholes, as most kids do from time-to-time, they take them to the doctor to get a diagnosis designed solely to excuse their shitty parenting.
Not one day goes by where I don’t get some kid screaming to the top of his/her lungs on my commute. Not one day goes by where I, once again, fail to hear the word “no” directed at these kids.
Anyway, at the party, one of these “autistic” kids kept spazzing out. This included putting things in the microwave oven and turning it on. I asked him to stop doing this many times, but he simply ignored me as he had grown accustomed to doing with adults.
Now, I have never in my life told another human being how to parent their child, nor have I ever yelled at someone else’s kid. At the point at which it becomes a safety issue, however, you have to do what you have to do. When this kid placed a wad of tinfoil, plus several metal utensils in the microwave oven, and reached for the ‘on’ button, I slapped his hand away from the button and yelled, “NO!!! STAY AWAY FROM THE MICROWAVE!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!”
The kid stood and stared at me, eyes as wide as saucers. The other kids froze in place and looked over, mouth agape. It was fairly obvious that not one of them had ever seen an adult be firm before, much less angry.
For the rest of the party, this kid did not spazz out again, nor did he so much as look at the microwave oven. Instead, he participated in the party like a fairly normal child. I, of course, felt badly, but at the same time, I knew that I had no other choice. Had I not been firm with the kid, the next time I turned my back, something else would have been microwaved.
It’s a shame that this boy will likely go through life with the “autism” label, and probably be medicated for ADHD or something similar, simply because his parents cannot bring themselves to say “no” every once in a while, and mean it, but that is exactly what will happen. Ditto for most of the other supposedly-disordered kids. In fact, within 10-20 years, we are going to have an epidemic of kids with fake behavioral disorders simply because no one in the family wants to be the Alpha anymore.
And so, in the past year, my position has morphed. Now, if affluent, intelligent, well-educated people are too selfish to have kids … I tip my hat to them for recognizing it. We’re all the better off for it.
Oh, and who knew that seagulls built floating nests in the middle of the Puget Sound?
That was kind of the original, you know, point of this post.