Just thought you should know.
I’m a 20-something douchebag, I drive a Saab 9000, and I have Oregon Plate CL-75384.
So, what makes me an asshole, you ask?
Good question! I’ll tell you …
You see, today, in order to impress cumdumpster (my pet name for the girl riding shotgun), I made an illegal left turn from southbound 1st Avenue onto Pike Street.
“Bad boys turn me on!”, Cummy D had screamed just seconds before, so to make sure the turn was extra-illegal, I made the illegal left turn against an illegal red light. Not only was the light red, but it had been red for a solid 4-5 seconds.
Pretty badass, huh?
Wait, though, there’s more …
When I ran the red light, I didn’t slow down, not even slightly, for the pedestrians who were already in the crosswalk. No, instead, I nearly hit a middle-aged woman, and I came within about 6 inches of hitting this big, ugly, six three motherfucker named Rex. Good thing he wasn’t aroused or he’d be missing half his dick right about now.
Anyway, after a day of driving selfishly and showing a complete disregard for the safety of the effeminate weirdos of Seattle, I threw CD onto the bed, yelled “Who’s your daddy?”, then came *this close* to penetrating her before spilling my pearl jam. Three or four more seconds, and I would have been all up in that biyatch!
Because I’m a stone cold motherfucking pimp, that’s why!
Act like you know, fool!
Oh, and if you see me driving around this weekend, watch out.
Dumpster says if I run another light, she might give me another crack at that fly hoo-haa. Ya heard?
Consider yourself warned, Seattle, because like I said, above all else …
I’m an asshole.