Why is this:
Better than this?:
I don’t know. I only know that it is. Lisa Van Cise, M.J. McDermott, Paul Deano, and every other Seattle meteorologist told us so, and they would never lie to us.
As a matter of fact, I was watching the weather forecast this past weekend, and Lisa Van Cise told us that it would be dry, except for a few pockets of “pesky rain”.
Yeah, “pesky rain”.
You know, the stuff that gives the Pacific Northwest its clean air, lush greenness, and ample drinking water?
Yeah, that stuff.
According to Lisa, it’s “pesky”.
Anyway, I was driving down 2nd Avenue yesterday, squinting into the sun, trying beyond all hope to see the road in front of me. I put on my sunglasses and pulled down the sun visor, but it brought little relief. The fall/winter sun hangs very low on the Seattle horizon, and the net result of this is intolerably painful glare … I mean happy, fun, beautiful glare. Right weather guys?
While I was ambling along, I suddenly caught the faint glimpse of an outline right in front of me.
Oh no … screeeeeeeech!
That was close.
I literally came within an inch of hitting a homeless man who was shuffling along, mid-block. If you drive in Downtown Seattle with any frequency, you know the people I am talking about. Crosswalks and crossing lights have no meaning for these folks.
While my heart was pounding, the man that I almost hit did not flinch. He just kept shuffling to the other side of the road, completely unfazed by the fact that I had almost killed him.
I, on the other hand, was shaken up. So shaken up that I drove directly home and waited for some clouds to move in before heading back out. The oppressive glare made it just too dangerous to operate a motor vehicle.
When I got home, I gave some more thought to a situation that has confounded me for a long time.
You see, I value the clouds of Seattle. Especially in the winter, when they provide much-needed protection from glare and keep our overnight temperatures 10-15 degrees warmer.
Every local news station and every single local meteorologist, however, insists that they are evil. They insist that they, I, and you want sun, sun, sun, and more sun. Even when it’s 45 degrees outside.
Why do they say this?
I don’t know.
I’ve asked each and every one of them multiple times, but they ain’t saying. I’ve made the beneficial case for clouds on repeated occasions, but they absolutely, positively refuse to give me one reason … just ONE semi-objective reason that I am supposed to detest the clouds as much as they do.
After another day of thought, however, I think I’ve finally figured it out.
You know that homeless guy I almost hit yesterday?
Well, maybe, just maybe, Lisa Van Cise wanted that guy gone. Maybe, like most wannabe Californians, she hates bicyclists, pedestrians, and everyone else whose lives are endangered by the winter glare. Maybe she just hates riff-raff. People who lack the disposable income to spend at the Aston Martin dealership in Redmond.
Maybe M.J. McDermott, Paul, Sam, and everyone else in the Seattle meteorological community hates us all too.
At this point, it’s the only explanation that makes sense. It also explains why they don’t want to tell us why we should love the winter sun. The truth is far too cruel. Too un-PC.
So there you have it. After months of investigation, a conclusion has finally been reached, and that answer is:
Lisa Van Cise hates homeless people, and she wants them to die.