Red Mill Burgers

For some bizarre reason, Western Washington has the greatest hamburgers in the USA.

The best hamburger I have ever eaten in my life was in Thurston County (which reminds me, I need to write a post about that place), and when it comes to decent burgers, this area of the country is about as good as it gets.

Why this is, I do not know. You would think that a green, vegetarian place like the PNW would frown on the eating of dead cows, but hey, this is the same place that has some of the worst traffic in the country while screaming the loudest about global warming.

Humans are one of the few animals that openly celebrate hypocrisy, which make me wonder if perhaps it would be more fair for cows to eat dead us.

Anyway …

I found myself in beautiful, scenic Ballard several times this week, and while there, I availed myself of a NW Seattle treasure … Red Mill Burgers.

I ordered the Bacon Blue Cheese Burger with a side of onion rings.

There was an annoying wait, which given my lunchtime visit was somewhat understandable. That being said, if you only have 45 minutes for lunch, and it takes you 35 minutes to get your burger, you may not be able to savor the taste for as long as you might like.

Now, I’m not a big hamburger eater, which is why when I do indulge in cow carcass, I insist on decent quality. I do not eat at McDonald’s, Burger King, or even Dick’s. I do not like fat, grisle, or “special sauce” that looks and tastes like bull semen. I only go for the best.

Fortunately, Red Mill Burgers meets my high standards. It’s not the best burger I’ve ever had in my life (I shall expound upon that later), but it’s in the wheelhouse of edibility for yours truly. The burger was thick, low-fat, and it was topped with thick cut bacon and blue cheese.

The onion rings were even better than I expected. Thick slices of onion bursting out of its coating of batter. These alone are worth the trip.

I approve of this place, with a couple of caveats.

First, the wait is rough.

Second, they have “no cellphone” signs that are just more hipster bullshit. It must be nice to be so choosy over your customers in the midst of the worst recession in 50 years. When the inheritance dries up, you’ll take whatever goddamn customers walk through the door like 99% of the rest of the country, so long as they can pay. If they are talking with tin cans tied to a string, so be it, you’ll be happy to have them.

The signs are especially annoying considering the wait. What, is the beauty of the dining room decor supposed to keep us so occupied for 35 minutes that we wouldn’t dare try to knock a task or two off of our to do list? Was the conversation taking place by the people beside me about their experience at the Ford dealership supposed to hold my interest?

We can’t all bring our painfully boring family members along to make the general public privy to both sides of our inane conversations. If I can’t use my cellphone, I have to listen to all of their fucking drivel, and I’d really rather just hear half of their stupid conversations. Welcome to 2011 Fred Fucking Flintstone.

Get over yourselves, assholes.

I digress.

Overall, I give Red Mill a solid 8 out of 10 off-peak, and 5 out of 10 between noon and 2pm.

If you are going to give it a try, make sure to take an early or late lunch. It’s not fun to cram a $10 meal down your throat in ten minutes.

Oh, and give me a call when you get there.