Ever since I first spotted it five months ago, I have hated the GEICO plane. Because of the massive shit the plane takes on my beloved skyline each and every weekend, I have endeavored to never again do business with the company.
This is the USA, however, and if there is one thing you learn as an American citizen, it is that all large companies in this nation more or less suck equally. If one company has a terrible, customer-unfriendly idea, it’s just a matter of time before every other company gives that same idea a try. There is no longer a moral high ground, and in 2011, the populace has been duly brainwashed into believing that ethics are the worst vice a person could have.
As ‘The Apprentice’ teaches us, the only good capitalist is the capitalist that fucks everyone in his path as he shits down the throat of the weak. Scams are good, and the best scammers are divine.
Look at your local classified ads, and see what U.S. companies are looking for.
Investigative Journalists? Uh uh.
Scientists? Not really.
What companies want most these days are “Rockstar marketers with a background in social media and sales geniuses who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer”.
This is what we do know. It’s our domestic product. Not one MacBook or iPod is made in the USA, but thousands of Americans are hired to sell them. Our pharmaceutical industry hasn’t found a cure for anything in ages, but they make billions each year repackaging old, often harmful drugs, jacking up the price, then dispatching a small army of salesmen to bribe corrupt American doctors into prescribing them.
This is 21st century America, and this is what we do. We lie, trick, and cajole people into spending as much money as possible on things with the lowest possible value. It’s this never-ending race to the bottom, that has turned a once great nation into the most rapidly declining super-power history has ever seen. It’s a decline reflected in the skies above Seattle.
This afternoon, while hanging out in South Lake Union Park and weeping like a TV Indian every time the GEICO banner flew overhead, I was mortified to find that another insurance company had decided to get in on the act of defacing our city as well.
A few moments after the GEICO plane went by, a red biplane traced its same path, this time pulling a different banner altogether. It read:
Oh, did I mention another thing that is completely dead in the U.S.A. … originality.
It appears that, in a fit of corporate “Me too! Me too! Me too!” hysterics, State Farm has decided to hire its own airplane to fly in circles around the Space Needle, greeting tourists with gross, tacky advertisements reminiscent of the Jersey Shore.
Then again, what else could they do?
Make a better insurance product, improve service, and exceed the expectations of customers?
Perish the thought.
That’s the kind of thinking that leads to a robust economy, a stellar reputation, and worldwide respect.
You have to give the people what they want these days, and if American Idol and Twitter have taught us anything, it’s that product placement works. The dumbing down is complete, we have been assimilated. Snooki for President in ’12.
So, go ahead GEICO and State Farm … deface the world’s most beautiful skyline. No one can blame you. This is who we are now, and this is what we do. Pay no attention to the guy shaking his fist 800′ below. He’s got zero influence on Facebook.
He does, however, invite you both to go fuck yourselves.