Seattle Space Needle Reflection at Night

Specific Dolphin

General Porpoise Donuts

General Porpoise Donuts

Extended adolescence. It’s all the rage these days. And instead of shaking my fist at the infantile suburban tourists who pass through Seattle on their post-collegiate staycations, I’ve finally accepted the fact that, short of hiring a few black guys to move to the neighborhood (Sticky Fingaz from Onyx “black”, not suburban-friendly Obama “black”) I can’t do anything to make them leave. That’s right, 2016 will be the year when I finally try to live in harmony with the attention-starved kidults. After all, it’s not their fault that they’re 35 year-old soul-less blank slates, void of any and all identity, looking for bandwagon-after-bandwagon to jump on, pausing just long enough to shame a scientist on social media for suggesting that gender is determined via X and Y chromosomes, before shaming some climate change denier for not believing what scientists say. It’s their narcissist parent’s fault.

Now, when overgrown toddlers take over a neighborhood, two things tend to proliferate. Doggie Daycares/Pet Stores (since dogs are confined/leashed and unable to run screaming from the tourist, every tourist wants one), and bakeries specializing in foods that children like, primarily cupcakes and donuts.

Yes, Cupcake/Donut Bakeries and Doggie Stores are the sure signs that you’re in an ex-suburban ghetto, and Seattle has more of each category than most towns. That’s what we get for being the whitest large city in the country. Affluent white parents fear sending their kids to Seattle the least, and we’re thus overrun. Oh sure, this generation loves black folks, in theory, and yeah, they think their lives matter, kinda, but I’m afraid black lives are going to need to matter down in Burien cause this gentrification train ain’t stopping for nobody, can you feel me, chooo choooooooooo!!!

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes, pet stuff and baked goods.

We heard about this new donut place called “General Porpoise”, and once we stopped making fun of the name, not to mention the person who thought the name was oh-so-cool (I’d say we had a solid 2 weeks of non-stop ridicule in the chamber), we decided to check it out with the understanding that the first person to laugh, roll their eyes, or make a sarcastic comment, was to pay.

Basically, it was my treat.

Alas, we were all losers, for when we got to the store at around 2pm, we found that the store was fresh out of donuts. No, really, the donut store was out of donuts. That’s like, a thing now. I’m completely serious.

There’s a very popular trend in Seattle right now where rich kids (who don’t need the money) open businesses, close at a hilariously early hour (they like a good “work-life” balance, you know), and run out of product before anyone can actually buy anything. I’m 100% serious. For whatever reason, they just think it’s cooler than a witch’s snatch to open stores that don’t sell anything for half the day. Even more awesome is the fact that they run actual businesses out of the city to do this little-girl-with-a-lemonade-stand routine. Talk about white privilege. I mean, have you ever seen a working-class business run out of product in the early afternoon? When it wasn’t in the middle of the Great Depression, that is?

Not more than once you haven’t. After all, what would be the point of being in business? Most people would be thrilled to have so much business that they run out of product, and most people, at least I imagine most people, would, you know, order more product to get through the day, and profit, profit, profit.

Nobody ever tells Generation Y that they’re wrong, though, and lacking this critical feedback, few of them legitimately know what the fuck it is that they’re doing. Life’s just one big, long, extended playdate, and oh look, I’m going to use my monthly check from home to start a donut shop, more as a hobby than a job. Jobs are for immigrants and racists, not for Caleb J. Twittershamer.  Hold on a sec … Hey, you over there, I heard what you said about Chinese people playing a joke by going pee-pee in your coke. Enjoy the unemployment line, I’m calling your boss, you ignorant anti-ist-phobe! I hope you get gangrene of the anus and die a slow and painful death, you un-empathetic, intolerant, Trump-loving, climate-denying, human-children-having, self-supporting jerk! This is why you don’t get a check from home every month!

Fortunately for us, there was another donut shop a mere block away. I told you the place has gone tourist, and I wasn’t kidding. This time, however, the shop was a little more familiar … none other than Mighty O Donuts has opened up a store in Pike-Pine.

Now, Gen Yers, I know what you’re thinking. “Mighty O? Good GOD what is wrong with these people? “Mighty” is an aggressive word, and it implies that one is somehow superior to others. It’s a trigger word that reminds me of the time I played this game where someone actually kept score. One person won, everyone else lost, and we stood there in stunned disbelief when only one trophy was handed out, to the winner, no less! I’ll never forget that day. I refer to it as “The Holocaust”, but I don’t really think the word conveys the gravity of what I felt. I can’t believe they named themselves ‘Mighty O’. They should have named themselves Laughing Leopard, or Cuddly Kangaroo Donuts or something non-threatening and gender-neutral that doesn’t basically say “hey faggots, I hate you, so don’t eat my donuts!”

What can I tell you, though? The owners of Mighty O are just a bunch hateful bigots who host nightly Klan meetings in the back of their kitchen. They make really good donuts, though, so you know, it kind of makes up for the whole hatemonger thing.

If anyone remembers, I’ve written about Mighty O before, in particular, after visiting their Walrusford location: Mighty O actually won, well, sort of won my highly-scienfitic donut taste test. Better still, the donuts are every bit as good as I remembered them to be.

And so, all’s well that ends well. Despite General Porpoise’s attempts to beat us senseless with their hipster stick, we left the area with donuts, and good ones at that.

I guess if we want to actually try General Porpoise, we’ll need to arrive earlier, seeing that flour is in such short supply in Seattle and all. Hey General Porpoise, you Steve Jobs of Donuts wannabes … your donuts better be worth all of this hassle, or so help me, I will have another online hissy fit at your expense.

Come to think of it, I’ll probably do that anyway, so … yeah … just forget this whole thing ever happened.


Mighty O Donuts in Pike-Pine

Mighty O Donuts, next to the Rex Doggie Store

Mighty O Donuts, next to the Rex Doggie Store

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