This morning, after scoring a cup of liquid dope from my local caffeine dealer, I grabbed a copy of the Capitol Hill Times and retired upstairs to the porcelain reading room.
I unfolded the paper, and immediately a quarter-inch thick layer of legal notices fell onto the floor.
Seriously guys, what the hell is up with the legal notices? Nobody reads these goddamn things. They outweigh the rest of the paper, and they’re a major nuisance. For a rag that serves one of the most liberal enclaves of the USA, you guys kill an awful lot of trees to satisfy the deceptive needs of lawyers looking to meet inexpensive and obscure publishing requirements (while depriving defendants of legitimate notice). The fact that any court in the universe accepts these things as process of service is another reason I lack faith in the American judicial system.
Amongst the billion pages of legal notices, the Capitol Hill Times also publishes, get this, articles. Included in this week’s issue was the following piece about The Hill’s new parking rates:
The article was interesting, and I found myself nodding in complete agreement when I read the following paragraph:
David Schomer, of Vivace Espresso, is in favor of increasing Broadway parking fees.
“I am a bit radical here,” Schomer said. “Anything that gets the cars out brings the people in, in a densely populated district like Broadway. Cars are lethal and toxic, and I favor banning them on Broadway and making a pedestrian mall.”
Bravo, dope dealer, bravo.
If this guy is radical, then so am I, because I feel he’s one of the few people surrounding this issue that truly “gets it”.
The Pacific Northwest is 99.9% rural or suburban. There is absolutely no lack of auto-centric shopping areas here. To the contrary, finding a place to walk in this part of the country is a chore. It’s a region of high hypocrisy. It’s a part of the nation where people scream about carbon footprints while sitting in their gridlocked cars on I-5, and a region where the Capitol Hill Times distributes 25 pages of legal notices that nobody reads.
I re-digress. There will be more on this later. I was recently admonished for “not recycling” at the Waterfront by four tourists who later hopped in a Jeep.
Experiences like the one I had yesterday underscore the often hostile relationship between drivers and pedestrians. It’s the very reason I didn’t move to Bellevue. It’s the reason I don’t live in Federal Way. It’s the reason I hardly ever go to Mount (Me) Vernon.
Auto-centricity is not for me, and it’s the reason I choose this .1% of the entire PNW in which to live. I know I’m in the minority. Most of us around here are in the minority. That’s why our sliver of turf is so microscopic.
Yes, a great many of us are anti-car snobs who self-righteously consider all car owners to be unsophisticated, Walmart-shopping, suburban ex-patriots, but we don’t bring our snobbery to you. We don’t walk down to Renton, block traffic, and preach about the evils of automobiles. You drivers come to us. You drive up to the minuscule point one percent and react with confusion and disorientation when people have the nerve to *gasp* expect you to actually yield to pedestrians and keep the nose of your car out of the crosswalk.
Worse still, and what I really do not understand, is why someone would choose to open a business in the .1%, and then bellyache that his customers don’t have enough parking options. If your business depends on automobile traffic, then why oh why oh why oh why is your business here?
Why is it not in the 99.9% … which not only has ample free parking, but is also cheaper by the square foot?
It makes no sense.
It would be like me opening a business in Kirkland, and getting pissed off when Metro declined my request to open a Link Station next door.
If I opened a business in Kirkland that depended on mass transit customers, I would be up shit’s creek without a paddle. I know this. You know this.
The reverse is true for Capitol Hill.
Of all of the places within a 1,000 mile radius to open an auto-centric business, Broadway would have to be the absolute worst choice. Doing so would show a complete lack of understanding of neighborhood demographics, and frankly, it’s a little insulting to the people who go through the trouble of relocating to the .1%
Apparently, one guy does get it, though. I’ve never been inside Vivace Espresso before, but you can bet I will be a customer now. People like Schomer are what helps make the .1% … the .1%. Anyone that favors banning cars from Broadway altogether is someone that you have to support.
Unless, of course, you are an unsophisticated, Walmart-shopping, suburban ex-patriot.
Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and finish reading the Capitol Hill Times.
I don’t think I’ve been sued this week, but unless I devote 18 hours to carefully reading their legal notices, how would I know?