Will it ever end?
Seattle is currently in the grips of its worst drought ever. We’re closing in on 70 days without any real, sustained rain. We haven’t broken one tenth of an inch since July.
Thanks Lisa Van Cise.
Now, people always say to me “Rex, why do you always blame that pale white girl for the weather? She doesn’t control the weather. You know that, right?”
Oh, you silly, naive people. You’re wrong. Oh so wrong.
You see, as everyone knows, or at least as 93% of Americans know, the weather is controlled by God. The white-bearded man up in the sky. Or the ex-carpenter guy with the long brown beard. I never really understood which one of those two dudes is actually and officially “God”. They seem to get accolades almost equally, but one is supposedly the other guy’s dad, and … well … it’s all so confusing.
Anyway, as we all know, God sits on his throne all day listening to prayers. Lots of prayers. Millions of prayers.
On one side, God hears prayers from starving Ethiopian children, and as usual, he declines their requests.
Why?
Because God is a racist. The only time he helps black people is when they need a touchdown, a last-second three pointer, or a record deal for their rap group.
The only reason he helps them in these situations is because these scenarios please white people. When Lavonte catches a last-second pass in the end zone, we jump up, high five each other, shout “We won!”, and walk around town with an inflated sense of self-esteem for the next 5 days.
So while it may seem, to the untrained eye, that God answered the prayer of a black man, the truth is, it was just coincidence. He really answered the prayers of 10,000 white men. Mostly team owners and season ticket holders.
While God clearly prefers white folks, not all white folks are created equal in his eyes. No, you see, God has a particularly soft spot in his heart for white girls.
That’s right, white girls. God loves him some white beeyatches. When they’re sleeping, he’s all up in that punaynay … smackin’ that ass, screaming “Who’s your deity?!!!” Omnipotent invisibility has its benefits.
Because of his white girl fetish, God prioritizes their prayers. Face it, we all do. We don’t stop for the 50 year-old man with a flat tire, but when the 23 year-old white girl gets a flat, we not only fix her tire, we also give her our car, buy her a house, and give her 80% of our income until, after years and years of service, we blow our brains out in an Aurora Avenue motel room. It’s the American circle of life.
Therefore, when I get on my knees and pray for rain, and Lisa gets on her knees and prays for thun, who do you think is going to win THAT contest for God’s favors?
You guessed it.
“Are you there God? It’s me, Lisa. God, I hate Seattle and its dreadful weather … yet, I don’t want to move and lose out on all of this sweet King 5 cash. Can’t I have it all? I’d be oh so happy if you would just make our weather like California’s. Oh, and one other thing, can you please give that Seattle Rex guy a small pecker? Please? Pretty Please?”
Boy, did he answer her prayers.
And so, the wildfires rage on. Trees die, babies cough, snowpacks melt, and pedestrians get run over in the oppressive glare.
God doesn’t care about any of that, though. Somewhere in King County, an upper-middle-class white girl prayed for sun. And more sun. And more sun.
So, the next time you go outside, take a deep-breath, and immediately choke as your lungs fill up with ash and smoke … remember to send a little cosmic “thanks” to Lisa Van Cise.
She asked for it, and as usual, she got it. We all got it.
Only when she starts praying for rain, will this record-breaking drought come to an end.
Let’s hope that time comes soon.
“Who’s your deity?!!!”
I fucking love it!!