Seattle Space Needle Reflection at Night

The Most Un-Surprising Report Ever Issued


In related news, a new shocking report has been released which finds that grass is green and, oh yes, apparently the sky is blue as well.

In explaining our rating, the report above makes a few observations, which you have to read between the lines to understand (it’s wrapped in advertiser-friendly explanations about weather and density).

What they actually say is that our poor drivers are the result of a high influx of transplants from fair-weather Podunkville , who are used to suburban/rural roads and clear, sunny weather.  It notes that these people are far out of their element, and dangerously so.  It also explains that they completely lack the self-awareness to compensate for being in over their heads, preferring instead to harm and kill people rather than put their “me-first” narcissism aside for even a short period of time.  Their mothers, after all, said they were special.

In short, some well-funded study released the exact same results I released 5 years ago.  Perhaps now you’ll believe it, though.

First yet again.

It bears repeating, if you want to know what the mainstream is going to tell you tomorrow, read Seattle Rex today.




8 comments to The Most Un-Surprising Report Ever Issued

  • Josh

    Thank you, thank you so hard for putting this out there. I ride a motorcycle as my sole form of transportation, day in and day out. Every day, I find new levels of low achieved by cagers.(a derogatory term for motorists.)

    I’ll regale today’s tale in tribute to the spirit of the article. I work on 1st avenue, and often take my lunch break at the excellent Sodo Deli, also on 1st avenue.

    To begin, this means I must turn left onto 1st avenue to proceed north. It’s important to note that all traffic heading south tends to become possessed with the idea of drag racing out from under the Spokane bridge, thus conveying a sense of urgency upon those turning left. Channeling Mr Knievel himself, I gun my steed with all haste. Having cleared the first obstacle, my next task is to merge right into the northbound lane, at approximately 50 miles per hour so as not to become people pancake batter under a barreling semi.

    It’s important to note that the speed limit on this particular stretch is actually 35. Daily there are policeman here throwing a veritable ticker tape ticket parade. Never mind that that public safety would be much better served with more visible signage. We’ll just continue with dinty little residential speed limit signs to alert all 4 lanes of traffic, most of whom will never see the sign through the tractor trailers and concrete trucks blocking all practical visibility on this stretch. Because “public safety”.

    Having successfully rolled a 20 on traffic skills check, I am now proceeding North to the deli. Just before arriving at the deli, the right lane becomes a turn only lane. This is because the businesses (like the deli) have parking out front for their customers. I don’t actually park in front of the deli, as the drivers cannot be inconvenienced to follow directions. Instead they either run into a legally parked car, or cut off traffic to merge left at the last possible second.

    Had I parked my bike legally out front, it would have lasted about 3 minutes, 17 seconds. And then someone would have inevitably ran it over and continued about their business. Such circumstance would probably have made me the sole tennant of the nicest rubber room suite in king county jail. So I parked next to the deli instead, in the adjoining alley.

    My lunchtime entertainment today consisted of watching all sunshine harley badass dentists making their way through sodo, some with ape hangers clear up past their head, proudly displaying their armpits to the world.

    After lunch (sourdough turkey blt), I proceeded back to my bike and commenced my ritual. Mounting the bike, I indicated my intention to merge with the halted line of traffic sitting in the alley. It’s important to note –> I have decently loud exhaust pipes, and a fair amount of chrome. It’s impossible to miss this bike when revved up 4 feet away from you. I fired it up right next to an SUV bearing a lumpy welfare princess in her court-ordered SUV, and very visibily indicated the open space in front of her so I could merge into the very halted, red light traffic. No response. Upon taking the position, she looked up from her cell phone, and threw a minor hissy fit. She had no IDEA I was there. Totally oblivious to all but the latest score her girlfriend posted on candy crush saga. And then she had the nerve to be outraged at me. Apparently, that 6 feet of space was HER space. You see, it had been reserved for her since time immemorial, by the eldritch gods of entitlement, for just this moment when she could sneer through her lipstick of righteousness and crawl that overburdened SUV right up to kis the car in front of her, possibly encouraging it in turn to crawl up on the crosswalk. And I ruined that ever so special moment, her moment. It puts a smile on my face.

    Also, best sandwich ever.

  • Toadsworth

    That’s actually very surprising. Where the hell did they come up with sixteen cities that have worse drivers than Seattle?

  • Grady

    Well, he’s a Bernie Sanders supporting, rich don’t pay their fair share of taxes, climate change will doom us all, 2 home and multiple car owning person. He’s THAT guy. Very liberal.

    I’ve never had a problem with him but when I found out he was using a bogus residency claim to lower his property taxes I got pissed. It’s his fucking vacation retreat and we still have kids going to classes in modified trailers in this State.

    • Oh, well, in that case, you’d be helping the guy out. I mean, you have to take him at his word that these things are important to him, and by turning him in, you’d be helping the very programs that he finds worthy of funding. He’s no-doubt thank you for living his values.

      I can’t tell you how many times people drive up to me, roll down their windows, and say “I see you’re walking to work instead of driving. Thank you! I’m an environmentalist, and I don’t have enough integrity to live my values, but I appreciate very much that you do. Thank you so much, you are my hero.”

      I’m sure your acquaintance would do the same. I find people to be genuine by and large. The more affluent, and the more progressive, the more genuine.

  • Grady

    Would you turn someone in, someone you knew, claiming false resident status as a means of evading additional property taxes?

    • Well that all depends. Did they do anything shitty to me? Are they wealthy hypocrites advocating for higher taxes for everyone else, while trying to cut their own? You know, like everyone in Hollywood. If so, well, it would still depend. I’d be reporting damn near everyone if hypocrisy was the standard. I leave people alone and mind my business unless I’m given a pretty good reason to do otherwise. Sometimes things seem obvious, but you never know what is going on in someone else’s life. It’s best just to handle your business and let other people handle theirs.

  • Grady

    New York comes in at 151? I rarely, if ever saw fender benders in the City. Traffic, unlike most other places is caused by volume and not wrecks.

    NYC has older more narrow roads and turnpikes but more skilled drivers. And of course pedestrians trump drivers. Which is why red light runners are the exception.

    A ranking that low makes no sense.

    • My guess is that most of them occur outside of Manhattan … Queens is a automotive borough as is Staten Island, and there is a huge influx of commuters daily.

      If density is Seattle’s excuse, though, and that’s an excuse the report gives it, it’s not a good one.

      NYC: 28,000/mi2
      Seattle: 8,000/mi2

      And where does it not rain besides the Desert Southwest?

      NYC gets 50 inches of rain over 122 days, Seattle gets 38 inches over 152 days. Buffalo gets 40″ over 166 days (Density 6,500/mi2). Pittsburg has basically the same precipitation profile as Seattle, 38 inches of rain over 151 days, Density 5,500/mi2).

      No, it’s neither the weather nor the density. It’s our cultural phenomenon of extreme self-centricity and special snowflak-ism. I mean, do you remember the pictures I posted of the people walking their dogs in front of the “No dogs allowed” signs?

      A huge number of our transplanted people truly, honestly, and very sincerely, believe that everyone knows that they are the unspoken exception to the laws. We have a sign on my building that says, clearly, “This is a secure building, please do not let anyone in on your card-swipe.” Yet every week, someone tries to follow me in and oh my GOD are they are shocked, awed, and bamboozled when I ask them not to. When I point to the sign, they are aghast, AGHAST I tell you. Their eyes get as wide as saucers and I get that look of incredulity … “Wait, you think that sign applies to moi? Me? Are you insane? Do I look black? Do I look poor? Society has spent my whole life telling me that I have made no mistakes, and that any shortcomings are the fault of others. You must be one of the evil ones.”

      When we raise people to be entirely self-focused and self-centered, it should come as little surprise that they are unable to engage in highly-cooperative, often self-deferential tasks such as driving.

      If I had a nickel for each time I saw someone get in the wrong lane, but instead of going around, stop in the street and attempt to take a right turn from the left lane, essentially holding dozens of cars up because of the driver’s mistake. No concern. Just 5 minutes ago, out my office window, an ambulance had to bark over the loud speaker “MOVE TO THE RIGHT!” It was completely boxed in, and it’s lights and siren was on! That someone else, somewhere, anywhere, might have a need, does not even register. It never even enters the thought process queue of the average tourist.

      We can think up all of the other reasons why they are the way they are, but in each case, it’s the same someplace else without the results we get here.

      We’re the whitest, most affluent, child-free (“I’m too selfish to have children” is a frequently-heard refrain) Lexus liberal large city in the USA, and that demographic has some very consistent traits that translate perfectly into the behavior we see on the streets every day.

      Things like weather and density are a bit of a stretch.

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