The Parade of Nations: Seattle’s Crankiest Celebration

Today, I checked out the Lions Clubs Parade of Nations.

This event was billed as the “Largest Parade in Seattle”, so of course, I had to go and see it.

Now, I wish I could say that I had a good time, but unfortunately I did not. Instead, I argued with old people for about half an hour before giving up and leaving.

The conflict started as soon as I arrived.

We (my family and I) approached the main route from the west side of 5th, and we waited for a gap in the parade to cross. Finally, we spotted a large break and we attempted to run to the other side of the street. All of a sudden, a rotund man stepped in front of us and said “You can’t cross yet!”.

“What are you talking about?”, I asked, “there is nobody in front of us!”.

“Not yet! Wait here!”, he yelled.

And so we waited. And waited.

Finally, a contingent of marchers walked in front of us, at which point Jabba The Hut said, “Ok, now cross, hurry!”.

“Are you kidding me?”, I replied, “you held us when there was a break only to have us cross in the middle of marchers? What was the purpose of that? Are you completely serious?”

Jabba didn’t answer.

Instead, he walked away from us and we weaved through marchers as I loudly gave the man my unsolicited opinion about how well I thought he would perform on an IQ test. When I got to the other side, I learned that I was not alone in my assessment of this man’s skills.

“That guy is on a power trip”, another spectator told me, “he’s been yelling at all of us for the past hour and we haven’t done anything wrong. I think he’s on drugs or something.”

Watch Jabba in action, although I got him on film during less bossy moments:

Strike one.

I wasn’t going to let one guy spoil my day, though. Instead, I stood beside the parade route and waved and smiled and took pictures and tried to be in a good mood.

When the Swiss contingent passed by, I yelled “I want your health care!”. A couple of the marchers laughed, but when I looked around, I was on the receiving end of a hundred icy stares from old farts who ALREADY HAVE SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE.

Oh, how dare I want the same. When they get it, it’s deserved, when I want it, I’m an evil socialist bastard. What I said wasn’t even offensive in the slightest, but fuck me with a side of bacon for practicing free speech in America where at least I know I’m free.

Strike two.

The third strike came from an old bat who was yelling at EVERYONE who passed in front of her.

“Get out of my way! I’m an old lady and I can’t see! Don’t take pictures in front of me! Don’t walk in front of me! You’re blocking my view!” … Jesus Christ this misanthropic battleaxe was just yelling at everyone and wouldn’t shut up.

After 20 minutes, I’d had enough. I turned around and said “Look lady, stop being mean to people. I’m never going to see a social security check and neither will my kids. Enjoy yours. You’re welcome!”

She stared at me in disbelief, but to my own credit, she did shut up for what was probably the first time since 1905.

Shortly thereafter, we left the parade. What started out as a pleasant day was ruined by the largest contingent of cranky old people Seattle has ever seen.

Next year, instead of attending this parade, I’m going to stay home and masturbate. Had I done this today, I would be in a far better mood than I am now. Old people suck.

The End.